New jokes, old jokes, all jokes

[GMichael]

Come on, who has the best jokes? I'll start:

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.
He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' . . . the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

[ericl]

HAHA, That's pretty good!

[trollgirl]

That was a good one!

I'm told this may be the world's oldest joke - it's supposed to be by Aristotle:

By all means, marry. If you marry well, you can be happy. If you marry badly, you can pursue Philosophy.

I don't think I'll retell my Jonestown joke here, the OP did specify the "best" jokes...

Laz

[jrhymeammo]

Not really a joke, but here is the one made up(I hope, well nothing is original anymore) last night, while talking s**t with a friend last night.

What do you call an Asian with a F'ed up fingers?

[kexodusc]

Mwa ha ha ha...good one GM.

I'm not so good with story jokes...my favorite (it's bad) has always been:

"What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?"

Answer: "Where's my tractor?"

Trust me, it gets pretty damn funny after a few beers.

[kexodusc]

Son of a - time-warped again!

[GMichael]

Not really a joke, but here is the one made up(I hope, well nothing is original anymore) last night, while talking s**t with a friend last night.

What do you call an Asian with a F'ed up fingers?

I call the one I know, Honey.

[GMichael]

Before anyone gets mad at me for this one. I am 1/2 Italian:

"ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION"

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?" "
Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say.
"Was it Teresa Volpe?" "I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."


Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads."

[basite]

rofl, good one GMichael!

Rock on,
Bert.

[GMichael]

Mwa ha ha ha...good one GM.

I'm not so good with story jokes...my favorite (it's bad) has always been:

"What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?"

Answer: "Where's my tractor?"

Trust me, it gets pretty damn funny after a few beers.

Was this farmer wearing red suspenders when his LOST tractor ran over the chicken crossing the road?
Hey Doc, It hurts when I do this.
Don't do that.

[jrhymeammo]

Answer:

Chopstican't....

thank you, thank you.

It's just a jump to the left
And then a step to the right
With your hands on your hips
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's do the...............?

[jrhymeammo]

Chopstickan't
......thank you, thank you.


It's just a jump to the left
And then a step to the right
With your hands on your hips
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's do the................

[GMichael]

Son of a - time-warped again!

You just have to get that time machine fixed Doc.

[GMichael]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I`d like to see something more special." At that statement, The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here`s a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady`s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.The old man seeing this said, "We`ll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I`ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I`ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There`s no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

[GMichael]

THE LOVE DRESS
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said, "What's for dinner?"

[GMichael]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because
It was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it
was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned
that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one
Thanksgiving she was in the kitchen making turkey for dinner and he was
upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep
and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into
his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!!!"

[GMichael]

Hillary Rescue


Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along
the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge
railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids
who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was
so grateful, she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

Hillary said, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special
Senator's airplane."

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans."

Hillary said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign
them."

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in
TV and stereo headset!"

Hillary was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look
like you're handicapped."

The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your a$$
from drowning."

[GMichael]

I think I got all the nasties out of this one. If anyone catches a mistake, please let me know ASAP and I will delete it.



Management 101 Refresher


Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a

towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800

to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands

her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was

that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position

to prevent avoidable exposure



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After

controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But,

changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized. "Sorry

sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the ch urch, the priest

rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes

out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a

speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach

with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the

manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on

the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey peck ed at a lump of dung,

and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the

second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who

shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull chit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!



Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying

there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The

dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat hear d the bird singing and

came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story: (1) Not everyone who chits on you is your enemy;

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of the chit is your friend;

(3) And when you're in deep chit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



This ends the 3-minute management course



Some Jokes to Keep A Smile On Your Face

1: Subject: Joe Was In Trouble


Joe was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Joe got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Joe has been missing since Friday. The police had been notified. A $25.00 reward has been offered for his safe return.



2: BAPTIST ANYONE??? LOL

Born a Baptist

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and
cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic - and
since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The
delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a
Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended
Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were
born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed
into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and
watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a
deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish!



3:

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown, to attend their 45th

reunion and have lunch together.



Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.


The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks

at the others with a superior demeanor.


The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with

considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't

have any material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect p*n*s."


After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was

just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera, we're going to my parent's house for

two weeks."


The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes,

he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."

[GMichael]

George Carlin (He is Absolutely Brilliant)


George Carlin's Views on Aging


Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.


"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.


You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.


"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BEC OME 21. YESSSS!!!


But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?


You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50

and your dreams are gone.


But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!


So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.


You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!


You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."


Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!


HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them "


2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.


3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.


4. Enjoy the simple things.


5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.


6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.


7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.


8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.


9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.


10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

&nbs p;
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

[markw]

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

The first one says "Windy, isn't it?"

Second guy says "No, it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

[GMichael]

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-

shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...

-----------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

-----------------------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[GMichael]

The Hair Dryer
> > >>
> > >> A distinguished young woman on a flight from
> > Ireland asked the Priest
> > beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course.
> > What may I do for you?"
> > >>
> > >> "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic
> > hair dryer for my mother's
> > birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
> > limits, and I'm afraid
> > they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could
> > carry it through Customs for
> > me? Under your robes perhaps?"
> > >
> > > "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
> > you: I will not lie."
> > >
> > > "With your honest face, Father, no one will
> > question you."
> > >
> > > When they got to Customs, she let the priest go
> > ahead of her.
> > >
> > > The official asked, "Father, do you have anything
> > to declare?" "From the
> > top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
> > declare." The official
> > thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do
> > you have to declare from your
> > waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument
> > designed to be used on a
> > woman, but which is, to date, unused."
> > >>
> > >> Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go
> > ahead, Father." Next!

[GMichael]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when
his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my p*n*s with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository... it's up to you!"

[GMichael]

This is creepy!
Think of a letter between
A and W.

Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.


Keep going . . .
Don't stop .. ..






Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.






Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.





Think of

either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name





Almost
there........






Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.




Take the
hand you
FIRST counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.




Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand
.



Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?!
.





Of course not.......



Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
games!

[GMichael]

A STORY ABOUT ITALIAN COOKIES...



An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the

agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite

Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his

remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he

slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort,

gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With

labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were

if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were

literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.



Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted

Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a

happy man?



Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,

landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted,

the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly

bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a

cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a

big wooden spoon by his wife.



"Get outta here! " she shouted , "They're for the funeral!"