New jokes, old jokes, all jokes

[GMichael]

Subject: newest scam

A 'heads up' for you and any of your friends who may be regular Home
Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam
while out shopping. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19 year-old
girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into
the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back
seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of
them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while
the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Feb 4th, 9th, 15th, 20th, 24th, and 28th, and
very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more
wallets.
Be Careful!!!

[GMichael]

Subject: Dr visit


A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging
along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need
a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he
say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

[RoyY51]

Michelangelo has just finished painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. It's taken him 17 years, and as he stands there looking at it all he can think is "thank God this is over!" Just then, the Pope walks in, stands beside Michelangelo, and both men gaze at the completed work, neither one saying a word.

Finally, the Pope speaks: "Ah, Michelangelo...what you have accomplished here will live through the ages! This is truly a miracle! Mere words cannot describe the degree of appreciation that I feel for your dedication and inspiration. It is just wonderful."

Michelangelo says "Thank you, your Holiness."

The Pope continues: "You know, I couldn't help but notice that you've got some paint left over. Would you mind giving the outside of the building a quick coat before you leave?"

Michelangelo says "What?"

The Pope says "This is the 15th century, you know, and that paint's just not going to keep very long in those sheep's bladders. How 'bout you just mix them all together, give me a quick coat, and we'll call it even."

Through gritted teeth, Michelangelo says "Of course, Your Eminence...of course."

So Michelangelo starts painting the outside of the chapel. It soon becomes apparent that he is not going to have enough paint, so he starts adding water. He keeps painting, keeps adding water, until finally he finishes the job just as the paint runs out. Then, just as he is finishing packing up, it starts to rain. And, of course, the rain sluices all the watered-down paint off the sides of the building.

As he stands there thinking: "What else could go wrong?" suddenly the clouds part, and there is the visage and the voice of God Almighty himself!

God says "MICHELANGELO!"

Michelangelo says: "yes, Lord?"

And the Lord said: "REPAINT... REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!"




I know this is a bit of a groaner, but it's the only paint/religious joke that I've ever heard...and I do so love bad puns!

[GMichael]

DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

[GMichael]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."


They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again, you're in my closet now.

[budgetaudio76]

dont you just hate itwhen after speaking with some one,
after mulling it over they say that your full of crap. And
knowing otherwise you get angered but you dont say anything.
then you go to the bathroom, and by golly they were right you were really full of crap.

[GMichael]

But...
But...

How did they know?

[budgetaudio76]

i tested this one out with a woman at work i asked her if she wanted to hear a crude bathroom joke after telling her it, she agreed it was a crude, bathroom joke. got a laugh out of her. i like it when women laugh a giddy laugh. well other then that im sticking with my day job like my boss always likes to tell me.

[Rich-n-Texas]

Way ta beef up that post count there movetom.

[budgetaudio76]

Subject: newest scam

A 'heads up' for you and any of your friends who may be regular Home
Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam
while out shopping. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19 year-old
girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into
the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back
seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of
them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while
the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Feb 4th, 9th, 15th, 20th, 24th, and 28th, and
very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more
wallets.
Be Careful!!!

i must find the place.

ok heres another one.
insert favorite redneck bluegrass tune. accompaniment(clap clap slap your right knee, tap left foot twice. repea )
(high tone)i was walkin down the railroad wantin to see mah hunny.
(low tone)git 'er bob.
(high tone)oh i was walkin down the railroad expectin to see mah hunny for the sweet, sweet bear that she is.
(L.T.) git 'er bob
(H.T) i was walkin down the railroad goin to see mah hunny when i came across a bunch of bees. oh! lord!
(L.T.)run bob!
(H.T.)for i was walkin down the rail road wantin my hunny, came across dem bees. oh lord!start runnin thru the woods. came across a pond. yee haw!
L.T)jump in bob!
(H.T.)i was walkin down the railroad wantin to see may hunny. came across them dang bees! started running! yep i sure ran. jumped in dat dere pond. and whats this here. A BROWN CUCUMBER?! OH LORD WHAT IS THAT TASTE!!! OOOH CRAP!!!
(L.T.)WellBob ...! Yah See That Pond? ITS WHATS KNOWN AS HONEY IN SOME PLACES! YAH FINALY CAUGHT UP WITH SOME HUNNY!

[bobsticks]

----- There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.



The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[bfalls]

A bartender, whose wife was going into labor, worked at a deaf/mute bar, . He called a friend to take over while he went to the hospital. His friend was very apprehensive, he'd never tended bar for deaf/mutes before, so wasn't sure what to do.
The Bartender explained, "All you have to do is stand behind the bar. If a patron comes up and gives the "thumb's up" sign, he wants a beer, "thumb's down" sign he wants whiskey." That sounded easy enough, so he agreed and told the Bartender to go and he'd take over.
Everything went fine for long while. When patrons came to the bar, gave the "thumb's up", he gave beer, "thumb's down" whiskey. After many hours and drinks, he notice a man in the corner, who had been very quiet all evening, stand up and start waving his arms and moving his hands like little hand puppets. This seemed very strange. A few minutes later he got onto the table making even wilder and more exaggerated movements. This was very very strange and made the man nervous. He had no idea what this guy's deal is.
All of the sudden several other patron started doing the same thing. Then several more, until everyone in the place was on their feet waving their arms and moving their hands. Some joining into groups.
This really freaked the man out, so he called the Bartender. "You need to get down here quick! There's something going and it's freaking me out. I don't know what to do". The Bartender asked what was happening, but the man just said he couldn't explain, just to get there as soon as he could.
The baby had been delivered and wifey was all secured for the night, so the bartender rushed to the bar. When the bartender walked in he could hardly contain himself and doubled-over laughing. The man, puzzled and very concerned, asked the bartender excitedly "What's going on? What's happening? What are they doing?
The Bartender, when he could catch his breathe, told the man. "You've gotten them so drunk they're singing"!

[GMichael]

A bartender, whose wife was going into labor, worked at a deaf/mute bar, . He called a friend to take over while he went to the hospital. His friend was very apprehensive, he'd never tended bar for deaf/mutes before, so wasn't sure what to do.
The Bartender explained, "All you have to do is stand behind the bar. If a patron comes up and gives the "thumb's up" sign, he wants a beer, "thumb's down" sign he wants whiskey." That sounded easy enough, so he agreed and told the Bartender to go and he'd take over.
Everything went fine for long while. When patrons came to the bar, gave the "thumb's up", he gave beer, "thumb's down" whiskey. After many hours and drinks, he notice a man in the corner, who had been very quiet all evening, stand up and start waving his arms and moving his hands like little hand puppets. This seemed very strange. A few minutes later he got onto the table making even wilder and more exaggerated movements. This was very very strange and made the man nervous. He had no idea what this guy's deal is.
All of the sudden several other patron started doing the same thing. Then several more, until everyone in the place was on their feet waving their arms and moving their hands. Some joining into groups.
This really freaked the man out, so he called the Bartender. "You need to get down here quick! There's something going and it's freaking me out. I don't know what to do". The Bartender asked what was happening, but the man just said he couldn't explain, just to get there as soon as he could.
The baby had been delivered and wifey was all secured for the night, so the bartender rushed to the bar. When the bartender walked in he could hardly contain himself and doubled-over laughing. The man, puzzled and very concerned, asked the bartender excitedly "What's going on? What's happening? What are they doing?
The Bartender, when he could catch his breathe, told the man. "You've gotten them so drunk they're singing"!

Try not to laugh at this one. It's a true story. Kinda feel bad posting it.

A few years back I was at a place called Action Park in NJ. One the the now removed rides was a giant round cage attached to two bungee cords. Two people would climb into the cage and then they would stretch the cords with hydraulics up high. When they were locked in at the top, a latch would release and the cage would shoot you and a friend up like you were in a rocket. Then you'd bounce around for a minute before they brought you down. Everyone without exception would scream their heads off. Then a group of deaf/mutes got in line. The first couple were shot up. No chit! They were waving their arms and hands like crazy. Their version of screaming I guess. The rest did the same thing when it was their turn.

[Auricauricle]

Must be a sight: Folks screaming thier arms (and hands) off.

What's worse than a dozen roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

[GMichael]

Must be a sight: Folks screaming thier arms (and hands) off.

What's worse than a dozen roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

Worse, better, it all depends on your point of view.

[Auricauricle]

Reckon so....Mebbe, like Thakethpeare, I was thinkin' about a woman's thorn!