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Thread: Hey, Swish.

  1. #1
    Stainmaster Finch Platte's Avatar
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    Hey, Swish.

    A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat, and a wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.

    Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"

    The woman turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

    The man swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

    "Lecturer," she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

    "Really," he says. "What myths are those?"

    "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it's men of Jewish decent."

    Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

    "Tonto" the man says as he extends his hand. "Tonto Goldstein."

  2. #2
    Stainmaster Finch Platte's Avatar
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    A guy stops to visit his friend, who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get my sneakers for me?"

    The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend?s two gorgeous daughters. He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you."

    The first daughter says, "That's not true."

    He says, "I'll prove it."

    He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

    His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

  3. #3
    Stainmaster Finch Platte's Avatar
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    A lady goes into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist to tattoo a picture of Robert Redford on her right upper thigh and a picture of Paul Newman on her left upper thigh.

    The artist does so, and when he finishes hands her a mirror so she can inspect the work.

    She looks at the left thigh and says, "Wow! Thatís definitely Paul Newman. Just look at those blue eyes." Then she looks at the right thigh and complains, "That doesn't look like Robert Redford."

    The artist disagrees and says they need to find an impartial judge.

    They go to the bar next door and ask the first guy they meet to identify the tattoos. She raises her skirt and drops her panties, and he gets his face up close and says, "Well, ma'am, the one on your left thigh is definitely Paul Newman. He even has the blue eyes. The one on your right I'm not sure aboutóbut the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson."

  4. #4
    Rocket Surgeon Swish's Avatar
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    Thanks for those Finch. I've already heard the 1st and 3rd..

    but I can use that second one for sure.

    How about this one; A guy sits next to a rather attractive woman on an airplane and notices that she sneezes fairly often, and after each sneeze her whole body shudders for a few seconds. He feels badly for her and asks if she's ok, and she tells him that she has this unusual condition that causes her to have a small orgasm after every sneeze. He asks her if she's taking anything for it, and she replies "Yes, pepper".

    You're welcome,
    Swish
    I call my bathroom Jim instead of John so I can tell people that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

    If you say the word 'gullible' very slowly it sounds just like oranges.

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