New jokes, old jokes, all jokes

[GMichael]

A guy walks into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman wave at
him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he finally says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
teacher."

[GMichael]

Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy the time while they were incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The other pulled out a box of paints and said, "With these I can paint anything. I`ll be the Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he returned the question. "What did you bring?" he asked. The first pulled out a deck of cards, smiled and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, rummy, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled and said said, "I brought these." Puzzled, the other two asked, "What can you do with those?" He pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to what it says here, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

[GMichael]

Ring, ring...

HELLO AND THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE STATE MENTAL HOSPITAL.

PLEASE SELECT FROM THE FOLLOWING OPTIONS MENU:

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press-1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press-2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press-7 and your call will be forwarded to the
mother ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are Dyslexic, press-9696969696969696.

If you are Bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep or before the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have Short-Term memory loss, press-9. If you have Short-Term
memory loss, press-9. If you have Short-Term memory loss, press-9. If
you have Short-Term memory loss, press-9.

If you have Low Self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy
to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up
anyway.

[GMichael]

A man waved for a taxi. One stopped, he got in, gave his destination, and off they went. The man had a question, so he tapped the cabbie on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and slammed on the brakes just before crashing through a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Please don`t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger said, "Sorry, I didn`t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "That`s O.K. It`s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. "What did you do before?" the passenger asked. The cabbie replied, "For the last 20 years or so, I drove a hearse."

[GMichael]

A very loud, unattractive (UGLY) , mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell, no, they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't
believe you got laid TWICE!"

[GMichael]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said. "I am a Father, my child."
The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of many!" The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!

The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar

[Rich-n-Texas]

...jokes contributed by GM in this thread alone. Now I know what you meant when we were talking about your post count in that other thread!

I think you should be made the moderator of this section of AR.

BTW, I haven't heard any good jokes lately, so I guess that makes these remarks off-topic huh?

[GMichael]

...jokes contributed by GM in this thread alone. Now I know what you meant when we were talking about your post count in that other thread!

I think you should be made the moderator of this section of AR.

BTW, I haven't heard any good jokes lately, so I guess that makes these remarks off-topic huh?

This is about the only thread that I stay on topic with. I'm always just making stupid comments on the other threads to make people laugh. But I read ALL of the threads. I am learning. It just doesn't show much.
Oops, I'm off topic again?! OK OK, dig this one.

One day, a chicken and a horse are playing in a field. The hourse falls into a ditch and can't get out. So the chicken runs for help. It comes back with a rope and a BMW. It ties one end to the horse and the other end to the BMW. Jumps into the BMW and pulls the horse out.
The next day, they are playing again. This time the chicken falls into a mud pit. The chicken yells to the horse to get the BMW. The horse says, don't worry about that and stands over the mud pit with his legs to either side. Then he tells the chicken to grab his package and the horse pulls her out.
Moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to get chicks.

[Rich-n-Texas]

I think my next car purchase should be a BMW!

[GMichael]

I think my next car purchase should be a BMW!

That may be more information than we needed here. But I'm so sorry. They have meds now that claim to help with that. Not sure if they work though.

[GMichael]

A golfer on his way to play a round picks up a women hitchhiker along the way. She gets into his 1984 Cadillac El Dorado, she hears a clicking noise and asks "what was that", The Golfer replies "it`s my automatic locks so that you don`t fall out". "WOW" the women says. She turns to see the window going up on it`s own, "what is happening" she say`s, the Golfer reply`s "that`s my automatic window to keep your hair from blowing around", The Golfer then asks the women to open the glove box for him, when she does two Golf Tees fall to the floor," What are these" the women asks. The Golfer reply`s "those are to hold my ball`s while I am driving..............."WOW you Cadillac driving Golfers think of everything" replies the women

[RoyY51]

...drinking his grog. The bartender walks over to him and says: "Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice that you've got a...well, a steering wheel down your pants!" The pirate says:" Aaaargh! And it's drivin' me nuts!"

[GMichael]

> What dating was like in 1957
>
> It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up
> his date,
> Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own
> car and a duck
> tail hairdo.
>
> When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother
> answers and
> invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why
> don't you have
> a seat?"
>
> Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning
> to do.
> Harold replies politely that they will probably just
> go to the
> malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
>
> Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go
> out and
> screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
>
> Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold
> and he says,
> Whaaaat?"
>
> "Yes," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue
> really likes
> to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
>
> Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to
> ear.
> Immediately, he has revised the plans for the
> evening
>
> A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in
> her little
> poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces
> that she's
> ready to go.
>
> Almost with breathless anticipation, Harold escorts
> his date out
> the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good
> evening kids,"
> with a small wink for Harold.
>
> About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled
> Peggy Sue rushes
> back into the house, slams the door behind her and
> screams at her
> mother:
>
> "Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! It's called The
> Twist!"

[GMichael]

> Words to live by

>
> An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots; each
> hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across
> her neck.
>
> One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other
> pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion
> of water.
>
> At the end of the long walks from the stream to the
> house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
>
> For a full two years this went on daily, with the
> woman bringing home only one and a half pots of
> water.
>
> Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its
> accomplishments.
>
> But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own
> imperfection, and miserable that it could only do
> half of what it had been made to do.
>
> After two years of what it perceived to be bitter
> failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the
> stream.
> "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my
> side causes water to leak out all the way back to
> your house."
>
> The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are
> flowers on your side of the path, but not on the
> other pot's side?"
>
> "That's because I have always known about your flaw,
> so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path,
> and every day while we walk back, you water them."
>
> "For two years I have been able to pick these
> beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
>
> Without you being just the way you are, there would
> not be this beauty to grace the house."
>
> Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the
> cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives
> together so very interesting and rewarding.
>
> You've just got to take each person for what they
> are and look for the good in them.
>
> SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day
> and remember to smell the flowers on your side of
> the path!

[markw]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The trooper said “What the heck are these bugs flying around my head?”

The farmer says “Well, we call ‘em circle flies.” The trooper says “Circle flies? I’ve never heard of circle flies. What are they?”

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops, looks at the farmer and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's rear end?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you such a name."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "'Course, it's hard to fool them cirdle flies, though."
__________________
You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you.

[GMichael]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That ' s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you ' re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[ChrisP9]

A Tale of Two Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."



..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..Wait for it!!!!

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

[GMichael]

>> New Rule 1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for >> classmates.com!
>> There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you
>> don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the
>> captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
>>
>> New Rule 2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
>> unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
>> finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than
>> a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
>>
>> New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
>> hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
>> description for these kids: lucky bastards.
>>
>> New Rule 4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
>> cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of
>> your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>>
>> New Rule 5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
>> care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>>
>> New Rule 6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
>> whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket... water, but without
>> that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
>> You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
>> That should be your flavored water.
>>
>> New Rule 7: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a
>> redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the
>> top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
>> open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you
>> just solved the Social Security crisis.
>>
>> New Rule 8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger
>> the a-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
>> half-soy,half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
>> cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
>> NutraSweet,"ooh, you're a huge a-hole.
>>
>> New Rule 9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
>> my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the
>> amount, deciding, "No, I don't want cash back", and pressing" Enter"
>> again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
>> eating my Almond Joy.
>>
>> New Rule 10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
>> doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
>> And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
>> anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
>> You're not spiritual. You're just high.
>>
>> New Rule 11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
>> seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of
>> Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker
>> table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive
>> farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The
>> Howard Stern Show."
>>
>> New Rule 12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
>> M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
>>
>> New Rule 13: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
>> crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
>> Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
>> Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the
>> first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>>
>> New Rule 14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
>> for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
>> rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
>> for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
>>
>> >> New Rule 15: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to
>> know in months. "27 Months?" "He's two," will do just fine. He's
>> not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. I was
>> attempting >> to be nice.

Saving the best one for last…

New Rule 16: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
>> attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
>> mint, as if I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell
>> if he's supposed
>> to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
>> your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

[GMichael]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - Alot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample
from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[Rich-n-Texas]

I'm going to read and comment on today's two gems later on after a few brews. Right now it's time to do my weekly report then take a nap before I leave work and start a five-day vacation.

Edit: Dammit! I just spent the last hour rating the 15 joke post using a rating system, but when I tried to submit it I was told I was limited to ten smilies. All that work for nothing.

[Rich-n-Texas]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - Alot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample
from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[GMichael]

I'm going to read and comment on today's two gems later on after a few brews. Right now it's time to do my weekly report then take a nap before I leave work and start a five-day vacation.

Edit: Dammit! I just spent the last hour rating the 15 joke post using a rating system, but when I tried to submit it I was told I was limited to ten smilies. All that work for nothing.

I'm sure you could come up with another system. I have confidence.

[GMichael]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world.
Mexifornia, formerly known as California; White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed; they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help
the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton
has banned all smoking.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter, and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must
be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[RoyY51]

What are the three most terrifying words to hear while you're having sex?

"Honey...I'm home!"

[JohnMichael]

[QUOTE=GMichael
Saving the best one for last…

New Rule 16: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
>> attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
>> mint, as if I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell
>> if he's supposed
>> to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
>> your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.[/QUOTE]



That is so funny coming from another George Michael. Hugs brother.