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Thread: Joke of Day

  1. #1
    Suspended Smokey's Avatar
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    Talking Joke of Day

    The Husband Store

    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 4 - Th ese men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Hou sework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:
    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

  2. #2
    Forum Regular luvtolisten's Avatar
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    Good one!
    Do you have the address to that second store?

  3. #3
    Suspended Smokey's Avatar
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    I do. And if you visit make sure to check out third floor also. I think that floor has wives that love sex, have money, like beer AND play golf

  4. #4
    Retro Modernist 02audionoob's Avatar
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    On the 4th floor are the women who love sex, have money, like beer, play golf and make a mean lasagna.

  5. #5
    Suspended Smokey's Avatar
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    That must be the floor where guys with big bellys hang out

  6. #6
    music whore Happy Camper's Avatar
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    That's well designed tool sheds.

    A magician was performing on a cruise ship for dinner entertainment. The captain has a parrot at his table. The bird was catching on to his tricks and would holler "It's behind his back", "It's up his sleeve". Well the magician was getting annoyed because the crowd was laughing at the bird.

    The ship hits an iceberg and sinks.

    The magician wakes up on a piece of floating debris to see the parrot on the other end locked in a stare on him. Well the magician was not going to back away and stares back.

    This goes on for three days until finally the parrot ask's, "OK I give, where's the ship?"
    d HC b

  7. #7
    Forum Regular luvtolisten's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 02audionoob
    On the 4th floor are the women who love sex, have money, like beer, play golf and make a mean lasagna.
    Ah, to dream the impossible dream!

  8. #8
    Sgt. At Arms Worf101's Avatar
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    Sorry, I had to contribute...

    A Male Patient Is Lying In Bed In The Hospital, Wearing An Oxygen Mask Over His Mouth And Nose, Still Heavily Sedated From A Difficult Four Hour Surgical Procedure


    A Young Student Nurse Appears To Give Him A Partial Sponge Bath.

    'nurse' He Mumbles, From Behind The Mask
    'are My Test1cles Black?'
    Embarrassed, The Young Nurse Replies

    'i Don't Know,sir.'
    I'm Only Here To Wash Your Upper Body.'

    He Struggles To Ask Again,

    'nurse, Are My Test1cles Black?'

    Concerned That He May Elevate His Vitals From Worry About His Test1cles, She Overcomes Her Embarrassment And Sheepishly Pulls Back The Covers.

    She Raises His Gown, Holds Them And Inspects Them
    Lifting And Moving Them Around And Around Gently.

    Then, She Takes A Close Look And Says,
    'no Sir, They Aren't And I Assure You, There's Nothing Wrong With Them, Sir !!'

    The Man Pulls Off His Oxygen Mask, Smiles At Her And Says Very Slowly,

    'thank You Very Much. That Was Wonderful, But Listen

    Very, Very Closely..... .

    ' A R E - M Y - T E S T - R E S U L T S -b A C K ?'

  9. #9
    Class of the clown GMichael's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 02audionoob
    On the 4th floor are the women who love sex, have money, like beer, play golf and make a mean lasagna.
    And the 5th floor has women who love sex, have money, like beer, play golf, make a mean lasagna and won't sleep with your best friend.
    WARNING! - The Surgeon General has determined that, time spent listening to music is not deducted from one's lifespan.

  10. #10
    Super Moderator Site Moderator JohnMichael's Avatar
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    5,000 men were surveyed.

    They were asked what was their favorite aspect of oral sex.

    4 percent enjoyed the warmth.
    5 percent enjoyed the sensation.

    91 percent enjoyed the silence.
    JohnMichael
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  11. #11
    Class of the clown GMichael's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnMichael
    5,000 men were surveyed.

    They were asked what was their favorite aspect of oral sex.

    4 percent enjoyed the warmth.
    5 percent enjoyed the sensation.

    91 percent enjoyed the silence.
    Duck!....
    WARNING! - The Surgeon General has determined that, time spent listening to music is not deducted from one's lifespan.

  12. #12
    Sure, sure... Auricauricle's Avatar
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    I'm lockin' up the peanut butter jar....!

  13. #13
    _ Luvin Da Blues's Avatar
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    A little Xmas joke

    A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

    "Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

    "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

    The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a

    safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

    The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

    "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

    The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
    di*k goes underneath the horse, not on top.
    Back in my day, we had nine planets.

  14. #14
    3LB
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    Tiger Woods to change first name...

    .
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    to Cheetah
    Repost this on your wall if you love Jesus.

  15. #15
    One of Jerry's Kids Jim Eck's Avatar
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    Atlanta Airport


    Overheard at Hartsfield International

    Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511. You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R.

    Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah be Praised."

    Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711. You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

    Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah is Great."

    Pause

    Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

    Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

    Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

    Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now, and tell Allah "hey" for us!"
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  16. #16
    One of Jerry's Kids Jim Eck's Avatar
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    The front of the ship fell off!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ
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  17. #17
    One of Jerry's Kids Jim Eck's Avatar
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    Little child's prayer


    Dear God,

    Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer...... Amen.
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  18. #18
    One of Jerry's Kids Jim Eck's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kung
    Novice for the first time Replies
    Hi, welcome!

    Jim
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  19. #19
    Forum Regular blackraven's Avatar
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    A husband and wife were sitting and watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet that there's not one thing you can say to me that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

    She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis..."
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  20. #20
    Sure, sure... Auricauricle's Avatar
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    Rum...BUMP!

  21. #21
    Sure, sure... Auricauricle's Avatar
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    Freaking terrorists!

    This bulletin just in from She Who Must Be Obeyed....

    TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK -

    A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
    International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while
    in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a
    calculator.. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he
    believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not
    identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of
    math instruction.

    'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive
    solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
    of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer
    to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a
    common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

    As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had
    wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us
    more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not
    recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President;
    It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow----
    "The great tragedy of science--the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact."--T. Huxley

  22. #22
    Forum Regular pixelthis's Avatar
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    Cool

    Quote Originally Posted by Auricauricle
    Freaking terrorists!

    This bulletin just in from She Who Must Be Obeyed....

    TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK -

    A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
    International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while
    in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a
    calculator.. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he
    believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not
    identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of
    math instruction.

    'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive
    solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
    of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer
    to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a
    common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

    As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had
    wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us
    more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not
    recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President;
    It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow----

    Good one, but I Am more visualy oriented...
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Joke of Day-awkward-moment-wheat-field_photo_medium.jpg  
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  23. #23
    Musicaholic Forums Moderator ForeverAutumn's Avatar
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    A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

    The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch."

    The man perks up at this.

    "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

    The man agrees to talk with his wife.

    The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

    "I have," says the man.

    "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.









    "We're getting granite counter tops."

  24. #24
    Super Moderator Site Moderator JohnMichael's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ForeverAutumn

    "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.






    "We're getting granite counter tops."




    Good choice since granite countertops stay young looking and are hard forever.
    JohnMichael
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  25. #25
    Class of the clown GMichael's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnMichael
    Good choice since granite countertops stay young looking and are hard forever.
    Quartz is better. Non porous, less maintenance, heat resistant, hard as diamonds and costs less because it is man made.
    WARNING! - The Surgeon General has determined that, time spent listening to music is not deducted from one's lifespan.

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