Joke of the day!

[blackraven]

Here's one for all you Irishmen out there.

The press was interviewing a retiring Irish soccer star one day and they were asking him about all the money he had made. He replied, "I've made a fortune during my career. I've spent 90% on women and drink. The other 10% I blew."

[JohnMichael]

Show me four good Irishmen and I will show you a fifth.

[Rich-n-Texas]

I'm Irish! I'll take that fifth!

[RoadRunner6]

I like it, I like it! I'm Irish also. Good one BR!

[Luvin Da Blues]

I'm part Irish. I'll Just help you with that fifth, if that's alright?

[thekid]

Everyone in a small Irish town gathers together at the local pub for a traditional Irish funeral/wake. As the mourners file by the coffin they put a few coins in so the dearly departed can buy a pint or two when he reaches the other side. O'Hara the town braggart stands up and announces "Whatever amount of money you put in the coffin I will double". Well some of the townspeople gather together and figure this is their chance to shut old O'Hara up once and for all so they all begin to empty their pockets and put the money in the coffin. The mayor counts it all up and announces "There is 500 pounds here Mr. O'Hara, let's see you double that!" O'Hara walks over to the coffin and asks what was the deceased's name? " Paddy O'Shea", replies the somewhat confused Mayor. O'Hara takes the money from the Mayor and puts it in his pocket. As the crowd begins to protest he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a small pad and begins to scribble on it . "Here you go Paddy, a check written on my account down at the Bank of Ireland for a 1,000 pounds! It's good anywhere you go!" and with a tip of his cap he leaves the stunned crowd to enjoy their wake.

[blackraven]

Good one!

[Auricauricle]

What did the sadist say to the masochist?

"No."

[JohnMichael]

What did the sadist say to the masochist?

"No."

......but was either of them Irish?

[Auricauricle]

......but was either of them Irish?

Sorry, folks:

What did the sadist Protestant say to the masochist Catholic?

"Ar bith."

Okay, okay...

What did the constipated mathematician do?

Worked it out with his pencil.

[Luvin Da Blues]

Q: What are they doing about the mysterious hole discovered at the Carefree Nudist Camp?














A: Nothing -- the police won't look into it.

[Luvin Da Blues]

And if your like another bad and old joke



Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hysterically hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton's asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

[blackraven]

Here's one for Easter.

What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water?

Its going to take a long time to get me hard, I just got laid by a chick!

Badda Bing!

[thekid]

One from my son.....

How do confuse an archeologist?

Give them a used Tampax and ask to tell you what period its from.

High school humor.....you gotta love it.....

[bobsticks]

A guy walks into a Dublin library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye haav eni books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"Bugger off, ye’ll no bring it back!"

[JohnMichael]

A guy walks into a Dublin library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye haav eni books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"Bugger off, ye’ll no bring it back!"

ROTFLMAO, I think we have a winner.

[GMichael]

An elderly Irish couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn`t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: `Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.` The old man faxed back: `Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.`

[bobsticks]

A Catholic Priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar...


...and that's just the first guy!!

[thekid]

An Italian women,Jewish women and a Black women are on a plane flying over the Pacific. The captain announces that due to an engine failure they are going to have to ditch the plane. The Italian women gets up reaches into her carry-on bag and just starts to cover herself with gold bracelets, necklaces etc. and then sits down. The other women ask "Why did you do that?" The Italian women replies "They searchers will see all the shiny gold and they will come and rescue me." The Jewish women gets up,reaches into her bag and starts covering herself from head to toe with dollar bills and then sits down. The other two ask "Why did cover yourself with money?". The Jewish women replies that they will see all the money and rescue me first." Finally the Black women stands up and takes off all of her clothes and then sits down. The other women ask "Why did you do that?" The Black women replies " Everyone knows that when a plane crashes they look for the Black box first".

[GMichael]

An 88 year old grandma writes a letter to her granddaughter:

Dear Susie,

The other day I went up to our local christian book store and saw a "honk if you love jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy am I glad I did! I've had uplifting experiences since I did.

I was stopped at a redlight at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about jesus and how wonderful he is I didn't notice the light turn green.

It's a good thing someone else loves jesus becuase if he didn't honk I never would have realized.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy and then leaned out the car window and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! GO! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST JUST GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida behind me cause he kept yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving to me in a funny way with just his middle finger in the air.

Your little brother was in the backseat so I asked him what it meant.

He said it was probably a hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from hawaii before. So I leaned out the window and gave him the hawaiian good luck sign right back.

He burst out laughing. I was overjoyed, even your brother was feeling the love of Jesus!

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask me what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light change.

So grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters and drove off through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we have shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time before I drove away.

Praise the lord for such wonderful folks!

Write back soon, Love Granny

[GMichael]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;=2 0pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S.. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

[GMichael]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez..
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

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A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one..' He's still in intensive care.

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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there."

[GMichael]

It was the last day of school and all the kids were bringing presents for their teacher. Since she knew their parents` professions, she had a pretty good idea of what her students had brought her. The daughter of a florist came up and gave the teacher a box. "I`ll bet it`s flowers," the teacher said. "How did you know?" the girl asked. "Just a lucky guess," the teacher replied as she opened the box and found a large bouquet inside. Next, the son of a candy shop owner gave the teacher a box. "I`ll bet it`s candy," the teacher said. "How did you know?" the boy asked. "Just a lucky guess," the teacher replied as she opened the box and found an assortment of chocolates and other confections inside. Next, the son of a liquor store owner gave the teacher a box, but one of the box`s corners was damp from a leak. "I`ll bet it`s wine," the teacher said. "Nope," replied the boy. The teacher touched her finger to the leak and tasted it. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "Nope," replied the boy, now a little giddy that he was the only one who appeared to be able to stump the teacher. The teacher lifted the box over her head and licked the leak. "Is it gin?" she asked. "Nope," replied the boy, smiling. "I give up," said the teacher. "What is it?" The boy happily exclaimed, "A puppy!"

[GMichael]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls , but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed , and to alleviate further confusion , the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys , being met by your wife with a broom , and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys , smelling of perfume and beer , lipstick on your collar , slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next , Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking , there is no difference in the outcome , since both ultimately result in death.

[Auricauricle]

Sheet, man, that's rich!!