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  1. #1
    Forum Regular blackraven's Avatar
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    Joke of the day!

    Here's one for all you Irishmen out there.

    The press was interviewing a retiring Irish soccer star one day and they were asking him about all the money he had made. He replied, "I've made a fortune during my career. I've spent 90% on women and drink. The other 10% I blew."
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  2. #2
    Super Moderator Site Moderator JohnMichael's Avatar
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    Show me four good Irishmen and I will show you a fifth.
    JohnMichael
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  3. #3
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    I'm Irish! I'll take that fifth!

  4. #4
    Audio/HT Nut version 1.3a
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    I like it, I like it! I'm Irish also. Good one BR!

  5. #5
    _ Luvin Da Blues's Avatar
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    I'm part Irish. I'll Just help you with that fifth, if that's alright?
    Back in my day, we had nine planets.

  6. #6
    I put the Gee in Gear.... thekid's Avatar
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    Everyone in a small Irish town gathers together at the local pub for a traditional Irish funeral/wake. As the mourners file by the coffin they put a few coins in so the dearly departed can buy a pint or two when he reaches the other side. O'Hara the town braggart stands up and announces "Whatever amount of money you put in the coffin I will double". Well some of the townspeople gather together and figure this is their chance to shut old O'Hara up once and for all so they all begin to empty their pockets and put the money in the coffin. The mayor counts it all up and announces "There is 500 pounds here Mr. O'Hara, let's see you double that!" O'Hara walks over to the coffin and asks what was the deceased's name? " Paddy O'Shea", replies the somewhat confused Mayor. O'Hara takes the money from the Mayor and puts it in his pocket. As the crowd begins to protest he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a small pad and begins to scribble on it . "Here you go Paddy, a check written on my account down at the Bank of Ireland for a 1,000 pounds! It's good anywhere you go!" and with a tip of his cap he leaves the stunned crowd to enjoy their wake.

  7. #7
    Forum Regular blackraven's Avatar
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    Good one!
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  8. #8
    Sure, sure... Auricauricle's Avatar
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    What did the sadist say to the masochist?

    "No."

  9. #9
    Super Moderator Site Moderator JohnMichael's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Auricauricle
    What did the sadist say to the masochist?

    "No."




    ......but was either of them Irish?
    JohnMichael
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  10. #10
    Forum Regular blackraven's Avatar
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    Here's one for Easter.

    What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water?

    Its going to take a long time to get me hard, I just got laid by a chick!

    Badda Bing!
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  11. #11
    I put the Gee in Gear.... thekid's Avatar
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    One from my son.....

    How do confuse an archeologist?

    Give them a used Tampax and ask to tell you what period its from.

    High school humor.....you gotta love it.....

  12. #12
    Man of the People Forums Moderator bobsticks's Avatar
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    A guy walks into a Dublin library and says to the prim librarian,

    "Excuse me Miss, day ye haav eni books on suicide?"

    To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

    "Bugger off, ye’ll no bring it back!"

  13. #13
    Super Moderator Site Moderator JohnMichael's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bobsticks
    A guy walks into a Dublin library and says to the prim librarian,

    "Excuse me Miss, day ye haav eni books on suicide?"

    To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

    "Bugger off, ye’ll no bring it back!"




    ROTFLMAO, I think we have a winner.
    JohnMichael
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  14. #14
    Sure, sure... Auricauricle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnMichael
    ......but was either of them Irish?
    Sorry, folks:

    What did the sadist Protestant say to the masochist Catholic?

    "Ar bith."

    Okay, okay...

    What did the constipated mathematician do?

    Worked it out with his pencil.
    "The great tragedy of science--the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact."--T. Huxley

  15. #15
    _ Luvin Da Blues's Avatar
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    Q: What are they doing about the mysterious hole discovered at the Carefree Nudist Camp?














    A: Nothing -- the police won't look into it.
    Back in my day, we had nine planets.

  16. #16
    _ Luvin Da Blues's Avatar
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    And if your like another bad and old joke



    Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

    As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts, "Save the women!"

    George W. Bush hysterically hollers, "Screw the women!"

    Bill Clinton's asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"
    Back in my day, we had nine planets.

  17. #17
    Class of the clown GMichael's Avatar
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    An elderly Irish couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn`t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: `Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.` The old man faxed back: `Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.`
    WARNING! - The Surgeon General has determined that, time spent listening to music is not deducted from one's lifespan.

  18. #18
    Man of the People Forums Moderator bobsticks's Avatar
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    A Catholic Priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar...


    ...and that's just the first guy!!
    So, I broke into the palace
    With a sponge and a rusty spanner
    She said : "Eh, I know you, and you cannot sing"
    I said : "That's nothing - you should hear me play piano"

  19. #19
    I put the Gee in Gear.... thekid's Avatar
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    An Italian women,Jewish women and a Black women are on a plane flying over the Pacific. The captain announces that due to an engine failure they are going to have to ditch the plane. The Italian women gets up reaches into her carry-on bag and just starts to cover herself with gold bracelets, necklaces etc. and then sits down. The other women ask "Why did you do that?" The Italian women replies "They searchers will see all the shiny gold and they will come and rescue me." The Jewish women gets up,reaches into her bag and starts covering herself from head to toe with dollar bills and then sits down. The other two ask "Why did cover yourself with money?". The Jewish women replies that they will see all the money and rescue me first." Finally the Black women stands up and takes off all of her clothes and then sits down. The other women ask "Why did you do that?" The Black women replies " Everyone knows that when a plane crashes they look for the Black box first".

  20. #20
    Class of the clown GMichael's Avatar
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    An 88 year old grandma writes a letter to her granddaughter:

    Dear Susie,

    The other day I went up to our local christian book store and saw a "honk if you love jesus" bumper sticker.

    I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

    So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

    Boy am I glad I did! I've had uplifting experiences since I did.

    I was stopped at a redlight at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about jesus and how wonderful he is I didn't notice the light turn green.

    It's a good thing someone else loves jesus becuase if he didn't honk I never would have realized.

    I found that lots of people love Jesus!

    While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy and then leaned out the car window and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! GO! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST JUST GO!"

    What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

    I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

    I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

    There must have been a man from Florida behind me cause he kept yelling something about a sunny beach.

    I saw another guy waving to me in a funny way with just his middle finger in the air.

    Your little brother was in the backseat so I asked him what it meant.

    He said it was probably a hawaiian good luck sign or something.

    Well, I have never met anyone from hawaii before. So I leaned out the window and gave him the hawaiian good luck sign right back.

    He burst out laughing. I was overjoyed, even your brother was feeling the love of Jesus!

    A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

    I bet they wanted to pray or ask me what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light change.

    So grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters and drove off through the intersection.

    I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we have shared.

    So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time before I drove away.

    Praise the lord for such wonderful folks!

    Write back soon, Love Granny
    WARNING! - The Surgeon General has determined that, time spent listening to music is not deducted from one's lifespan.

  21. #21
    Class of the clown GMichael's Avatar
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    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

    What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

    Nothing! I was disappointed.

    I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

    But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;=2 0pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

    I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

    SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

    I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

    P. S.. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    WARNING! - The Surgeon General has determined that, time spent listening to music is not deducted from one's lifespan.

  22. #22
    Sure, sure... Auricauricle's Avatar
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    Sheet, man, that's rich!!

  23. #23
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    If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
    for you. I was crying by the end (not really). This is an actual account
    as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.


    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
    first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
    those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
    actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
    takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

    Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
    from Springfield, IL.

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
    directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
    assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
    be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
    during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."


    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.

    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
    I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    when they saw the look on my face.


    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
    me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
    backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from
    all of the beer.


    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
    to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
    maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
    starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
    chili an aphrodisiac?


    CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
    can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
    pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
    lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
    screaming. Screw them.


    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
    Superb.

    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
    will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
    except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
    with a snow cone.


    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
    uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
    slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
    shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
    any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
    4-inch hole in my stomach.


    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
    passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
    Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
    reacted to really hot chili?

    Judge # 3 - No Report

  24. #24
    Man of the People Forums Moderator bobsticks's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kevincop130
    That's so funny. i couldn,t stop to laughing.

    Oncoming SPAM alert....the potential be huge...
    So, I broke into the palace
    With a sponge and a rusty spanner
    She said : "Eh, I know you, and you cannot sing"
    I said : "That's nothing - you should hear me play piano"

  25. #25
    Musicaholic Forums Moderator ForeverAutumn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RoyY51
    I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
    That's the one that got me started. By the time I finished Lisa's Legal Lip Remover, I had a steady stream of tears flowing down my face from laughing.

    If this thread were a contest, that one just put Roy in the lead!

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