Friday jokes

[trollgirl]

First off, Heaven and Hell (got this from Pravda):

Heaven:
Chinese food
English house
American salary
Russian wife

Hell:
English food
Chinese house
Russian salary
American wife

[JSE]

Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz To Men............?

> He thought they were a delivery service.


Oh, and......


A young women walks up to the chekcout counter at the grocery store. The checker rings up a bottle of soda, a Cosmo magazine, A pint of ice cream and a movie. The checker says to the young women.... Ahh, you're single? She says yes, how did you know. Was it beacuse of what I bought. The checker say......

NO, It's because you're F*#@*%G ugly!

[JSE]

Why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart.

> He heard little boy's pants were half off.



JSE

[piece-it pete]

Howard Dean Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About Presidential Candidate Howard Dean

Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

"Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes?" —David Letterman

"Howard Dean was endorsed by Al Gore. Now, if Dean could get Gray Davis to campaign for him, that would put him over the top." —Jay Leno

"Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush." —David Letterman

"Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean was all smiles, well smirks, after picking up the endorsement of former Vice President Al Gore at a rally in Harlem ... Gore went on to praise Dean for taking a tough anti-war stance before the invasion of Iraq and he praised Dean supporters in hopes that will ease his concerns over lack of foreign policy experience, and his lack of support among blacks and Latinos, and his hot temperament, and perceived arrogance, and policy flip-flops, and campaign glitches. Well, there's a lot going on here." —Jon Stewart

"General Wesley Clark commented on Gore endorsing Howard Dean. He said endorsements don't win elections. Hey, in this country, votes don't even win elections." —Jay Leno

"Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy — but now I know this guy is presidential material." —David Letterman

"The New York Times is reporting that back in the '60s, presidential candidate Howard Dean used a letter from a doctor about a back condition to keep himself out of the draft in Vietnam and then spent 10 months skiing. Well it sounds like he's done the impossible. He actually made Bill Clinton and George Bush look like war heroes." —Jay Leno

"Presidential Democratic front-runner Howard Dean admitted to Chris Matthews on the 'Hardball' show that he got out of the draft because of a bad back. He had a curvature of the spine. Apparently it curved too far to the left." —Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal." —David Letterman

"In his new book, 'Winning Back America,' Dean talks about his wealthy prep school and how he used to get drunk. Let me get this straight — he had rich parents, drank a lot, went to prep school and avoided Vietnam. He's the alternative to George Bush? I think he is George Bush." —Jay Leno

"Howard Dean is a politician, a medical doctor and a Democrat. So he has three reasons to tell women to take off their clothes now." —Jay Leno

"While opponents label (Howard) Dean a throwback liberal, The New York Times recently noted that as governor, Dean cut income taxes, reformed welfare and balanced Vermont's budget — all traditionally conservative policies. Dean also received an 'A' rating from the National Rifle Association, which I think you can't get unless you've killed a guy." —Jon Stewart

"It was reported today that former Governor Howard Dean raised $14 million dollars in campaign funds mostly over the Internet. Of course, Dean's success could be contributed to his Web site: www.wetboobies." —Conan O'Brien

"Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean's presidential campaign is handing out tongue depressors to volunteers with his name on them. Wasn't that Clinton's trick?" —Jay Leno



Top Ten Reasons Al Gore Endorsed Howard Dean

10. Thought Dean would give the most dynamic concession speech

9. Howard Dean reminds him of Jimmy Dean, who makes them breakfast sausages

8. Only way to counteract freight-train success of Kucinich campaign

7. His support could get Dean popular vote, for what that's worth

6. Judgement clouded by Melana not selecting Adam on "Average Joe"

5. Dean promised to totally be his best friend forever

4. Wants Howard Dean to do for America what he did for Vermont...whatever the hell that was

3. Maybe it was the eleven vodka gimlets

2. The dart hit Dean's name

1. As a doctor, Dean has a legitimate excuse for fondling interns!

[JSE]

Thought this was funny. A lawyer one.........

When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes: "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."

JSE