New jokes, old jokes, all jokes

[markw]

...shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

“No, just Arthritis."

[GMichael]

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my
wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she
has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and
she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again
and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the
garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Bob

[markw]

An English explorer decided to explore the mountains of Africa. Before his team went into the jungle, the guide told them about the Yeti.

"You must never go near the Yeti," he told them. "It is a very mean creature, but there is one thing worse then meeting a Yeti, and that is to touch it. For if you touch a Yeti, it will chase you to the ends of the earth and it will not stop until it catches you."

With that warning, the guide led them into the jungle. When it was too dark to go any farther, they made their camp, had dinner, and went to sleep. In the middle of the night our English explorer (we'll call him Throckmorton) heard something outside his tent.

He peeked out of his sleeping bag and saw something horrible. It was the silhouette of the Yeti! And it was coming straight toward his tent! Throckmorton was frozen to the spot as the shape started to unzip the tent. He panicked and did something very stupid. He ran straight out the door of the tent, and in doing so CRASHED INTO THE YETI.

It screeched and followed Throckmorton as he ran down the mountain. Throckmorton jumped into a car and drove to the nearest airport, charged at the closest plane heading for England, and went home.

Two weeks after the adventure in Africa, Throckmorton was out for an early-morning walk when he saw the Yeti coming up the road! He took off in the other direction, grabbed a bicycle, and rode away as fast as he could go. He came to a car rental place and rented one, and took off again. After he had gone a hundred miles or so he stopped to look behind him. There was the Yeti, still following him!

Throckmorton drove as fast as he could until he came to an airport. He hopped on the first plane leaving. It happened to be going to Ireland. He got to Ireland, hopped on another bike, and rode until the handlebars fell off. He stopped to look behind him and saw… the Yeti. It was STILL following him!

Throckmorton broke out in a run. He ran until the sweat was pouring off him. He ran straight out onto the moor. He ran until he was so pooped he couldn't move. He looked to see if the Yeti was still following him. It was.

There was nowhere to go so Throckmorton just stood there. He made up his mind to give up. He turned and faced the Yeti bravely.

The Yeti stopped right in front of him and grinned. It reached out its hairy arm and poked Throckmorton in the chest.

"TAG! YOU'RE IT!" it shouted, and ran off in the other direction.

[GMichael]

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.

Dogs shed, cats shred.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

[GMichael]

A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter
asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I picked
out the largest and most heavily tattooed biker, punched him on the
nose, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, then told him, "Now, leave her alone or things are really going to get really ugly!"
St. Peter was impressed and asked "When did this happen?"
"About ten minutes ago."

[JohnMichael]

A very frustrated blond calls her boyfriend and tells him she bought a puzzle and does not know how to start it.

He asks what is it supposed to look like when it is finished?

She tells him a tiger.

He says he is on his way over to help.

When he arrives she takes him to the table where all the pieces are laid out.

He takes her by the hand and leads her to the couch. He makes her a cup of tea and then explains that no matter how hard they try they will not be able to make a tiger. Very patiently he tells her that after she finishes the tea they will put the Frosted Flakes back in the box.

[GMichael]

Many years ago, I had a job at a local bar making drinks. The days were usually very mellow. A few regulars were all I'd see for weeks.
One day, I got a treat. Five hot blondes walked in laughing and touching each other. They came up to the bar and asked for 5 bottles of Champaign and 10 glasses. Not wanting to put them off, I gave them what they asked for. They sat at the large table in the corner and started pouring Champaign into the ten glasses. All the while they kept laughing and saying, "42 days." A few minutes later, 4 more even hotter blondes came in and joined them. A burst of laughter came out and they started shouting, "42 days!" Over and over. 42 DAYS... 42 DAYS... 42 DAYS....
Then the door swung open again. There in the door was the hottest blonde ever. She was holding some kind of picture in her hands with a gold frame around it. The others screamed out, "42 DAYS!!!!!" and they all started laughing and dancing around. Clinking glasses and shouting out loud. The chanting continued, 42 DAYS!!!!!" 42 DAYS!!!!!" 42 DAYS!!!!!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I walked up to the last blonde. She sipped her glass and then looked me in the eyes and whispered, "42 days" to me. She giggled and took another sip. Before she could start up again, I asked her, "So what's up with this 42 days thing?" She almost spit up in her glass as she began to laugh. "Can you believe it" she said. 42 days! Then she settled down a bit and started telling me the story. They were all very tired of all the stupid blonde jokes. So they got together to come up with a way to prove that they were really much smarter than anyone gave them credit for. After a few days of thought, they came up with this. She shows me the picture. It was a 12" by 24" puzzle of the Cookie Monster. I said, "Huh?" She went on to say that the box this came in said 2-4 years and they were able to put it together in just 42 days. They all burst into laughter and the chanting started up again. I got myself a glass and joined them.