To my folks at AR.....

Just wanted to tell you guys I'm not gonna be around for a bit. My life is going to hell and it's gonna be a while before I feel like posting. My marriage of 11 years is ending and I'm not feeling to good. I'll be back eventually I guess. I have a lot of things I need to sort out in my life. I want to thank everyone for helping me out through the years.

I still log into the PSN for gaming. It takes my mind off what's going on. So I'm down for a game, I guess. Take it easy everyone.

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Originally Posted by L.J.

Just wanted to tell you guys I'm not gonna be around for a bit. My life is going to hell and it's gonna be a while before I feel like posting. My marriage of 11 years is ending and I'm not feeling to good. I'll be back eventually I guess. I have a lot of things I need to sort out in my life. I want to thank everyone for helping me out through the years.

I still log into the PSN for gaming. It takes my mind off what's going on. So I'm down for a game, I guess. Take it easy everyone.

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OMG! That sucks!!

I have to run now but will respond more after I get back.

Sorry to hear it bro. Hang in there, I've a spare pullout in the living room and you're welcome to it (all joking aside). Sides, I'd rather have you there than most of my deadbeat relatives.

Da Worfster

L.J. I'm sorry to hear about your tough times. I hope that you fare it well and quickly and find yourself in a better frame of mind soon.

In the meantime, know that we're always here when you feel the need for comic relief.

Take care of yourself.

Sorry to here that man. Once you get everything sorted out and feel a bit better, come on back and we will be happy to make fun of Rich to make you feel better. Sorry Rich, time to take one for the team. :p

LJ,
Hell I never know what to type when I read crap like this, except I'm thinking of you buddy...wish there was something I could do to help. Chin up and don't get down on yourself...dominate this challenge life's thrown at you.

Look after yourself, bro...we'll be here when you get back.

I am very sorry to read about your tough times LJ. It's never a happy time when a relationship ends. But try not to let it weigh you down too much. There is whole lot of good out there waiting for you to find it. Don't forget to keep an eye open for it.
Your insight and jokes will be greatly missed here until your return.
See you in the PSN. Maybe a few games of bowling? Or maybe we can take turns blowing up Tex.

sucks to hear that LJ.....


I hope all ends well...

My parents divorced a couple of months ago too, it was hard, but try to look at different things. constantly thinking about it just makes things worse - believe me.

as Kex said, we'll be here when you get back...

Keep them spinning,
Bert.

L.J. I know the last thing you probably feel like doing is hanging around and talking AV nonsense on this site, but that might be just the kind of distraction that you need...

I really hope it all works out in the end... Try to remember that you're always welcome around here...

Hang in there, LJ. It took me six years to get over my first marriage. When I finally resolved to be single for the rest of my life and began actually enjoying being single, I met my present wife. Funny how things work out - just have to be strong enough long enough for a new life to take shape.

It's tough being practical in times like these, but the lawyer in me has a list of dos and don'ts if you're interested.

Very sad to hear this L.J. I can only repeat what everyone else has already said (except the part where they blow me up :yikes: ) but hang in there and things will work out for the best eventually.

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Originally Posted by Rich-n-Texas

(except the part where they blow me up :yikes: ) .

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Everyone's a critic:rolleyes5:

L. J. I am sorry to hear about the events unfolding in your life. I hope whatever happens is resolved quickly and you can look for happiness again. Stop in any time you need to vent.

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Originally Posted by kexodusc

LJ,
Hell I never know what to type when I read crap like this, except I'm thinking of you buddy...wish there was something I could do to help. Chin up and don't get down on yourself...dominate this challenge life's thrown at you.

Look after yourself, bro...we'll be here when you get back.

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ditto

This is such a rough time of year, easpecially this year, that so often built resentments surface and things snowball. I know so many folks that are experiencing challenges, be it in relationships or health or finances...

Thoughts and prayers, my friend, thoughts and prayers...yer in 'em.

Peace,
M

Oh man, sorry to hear about that. Keep your spirits up in the meantime. We're all pulling for you, and look forward to seeing you back in the fold in short order. Take care ...

Hey LJ,

I'm really sorry to hear about that, brother. It's going to feel like the world is caving in on you, but we both know that it's not. My best advice would be to stay out of your head as much as possible. In other words, don't let your mind idle; keep feeding it good information (stay away from the news) and keep your motor running. Good books ("The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch is an easy read), sports, and yes, video games are all effective. Consider this as a "Reset" button. This is an opportunity to really move your life forward.

Stay positive, you'll get through this.

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Originally Posted by topspeed

Hey LJ,

My best advice would be to stay out of your head as much as possible. In other words, don't let your mind idle; keep feeding it good information (stay away from the news) and keep your motor running. Good books ("The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch is an easy read), sports, and yes, video games are all effective.

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That is good advice. I would also add a long trip to that list where one get away from everything for a while visiting long distance families or friends.

Be strong L.J. and as long as you got your health, you will get over it.

L.J. I'm sorry to hear this sad news.

Remember in the difficult times ahead that there is one person in the whole world who is more important than all the other human beings on this planet. That is L.J.! That is the person who you need to take care of most and embrace with a mother's love. As difficult as it might seem, take the best care of him you possibly can.

Even though the tendency might be to withdraw inward, let all of your family, friends and co-workers know about your situation. Reach out, you will need their love and support.

If you feel that you cannot cope with the sadness, give the old nurse a call. I did and the doc has some great new stuff that really helps after a few weeks. It is not a sign of weakness but a sign of a smart man. Sometimes a little help to keep the brain chemistry
going in the rights paths makes a healing difference.

Come back whenever you can and just say hello and let us know how you're doing. Friends are always here to lend an ear.

RR6 (a big mental hug)

I am so sorry to read this news, LJ. Along with everyone else, I wish you well and will think good things of you in the days to come.

I will only caution you to be especially careful as the holiday season cranks into high gear. This season is already extremely stressful, and the addition of the sort of hell you are and will be going through can be well nigh unbearable. Please be careful, and seek out friends and family members who love you and can give you the emotional support you need. It will be tempting to turn to other sources of support as well: alcohol, drug, etc. Although I have kidded around alot about these things, they can pave a bad road, and I don't wanna see you take it. If friends and family are in short supply, then come back here or contact us personally. My webaddress is accessible, and you may certainly "pop in" any time you like.....

Again, you will be in my thoughts, LJ,

-Aa

Hello everyone, thanks for your kind words and great advice. Everything is pretty much the same with me. I have offered every possible solution to keep my marriage together but she is pretty determined to go and have it completely over. I personally thought everything was fine but I guess not. Her father died not to long ago and everything pretty much went down hill after that. She went from being my best friend, someone I thought I knew, to someone who has to get piercings and all these tattoos all of a sudden. It's almost like her dad died and she feels she has to go out and do anything and everything before she dies too. Sounds weird but that's what I'm getting out of it. She doesn't want to talk about anything serious or relating to what she is doing. As long as I shut my mouth and don't bring anything up than everything is fine. I have no real answers and I'm assuming she has meet someone else. It's the only thing that makes sense to me. She doesn't want to talk about anything because obviously she doesn't want to keep lying to me about stuff. 2 months before all this started we were looking at tent trailers and talking about what we were gonna do for our 11 year anniversary. What the hell happened in 2 months??????

We have decided to live together til both our lives are sorted out. We work together(self employed) so I have to find a job and a room mate because I can't afford to live here on my own. I barely made it out of high school and I'm paying for it now. No education, no skills. My resume isn't looking too good. She has a decent job lined up already so as soon as I find work, she's gone.

I'm being mature about this and have avoided any fights. I was feeling really bad last week but I'm a little better now I guess. My kids don't know yet and I don't know how I'm gonna cope with that. My eyes are watering just by thinking about what's gonna happen to them. I have a 10 year old and 3 year old. I just can't imagine going a day without seeing them. I know a lot of people who see their kids every other weekend but that's not me. I'm not that type of person.

I'm not trying to paint this evil picture of her. She is still a very nice person and she still loves me. As long as we don't talk about the immediate future than the house still functions somewhat normally. I want to hold onto our friendship but I don't know how long that's gonna last for.

I'm proud to say that in the end I lived up to my vowels. I never lied to her or cheated or did anything shady. I alway put my family before myself. I would have stayed until the very end.

LJ,

I'm so sorry to read your post. You deserve to be happy. It sounds like she is going through some kind of mid life crisis. She may come to her senses and realize that her long term happiness would be better served by staying with the man who has stuck by her all this time and is the father of her children. But people can be strange. Way too often, people do things that make no sense to me. I'll hope that she wakes up and sees the mistake she is making.

Hey LJ,

Your kids are really luck to have a Dad that loves them so much, and they'll be there for you for the rest of your life because of it. Sounds like your enduring this as well as any man ever could...I wish I had some advice or something smart to say but I don't. I just know you're gonna make it through to the other side and better days are ahead. Hang in there, bro.

kind of thing. Except I am the one in the midst of a crisis.

I have been going to both marriage counseling and a private counselor of my own. I have uncovered quite a lot, and while I wouldn't want to get to in depth re: it here on a public site, I think I may have some good insights for you. I have been married for 13 yrs and I have 4 kids. I'm 37 and thought maybe it was MLC, but it's not. But it's deep.
If you want to talk or share some thoughts, I'd be glad to lend an ear and give as much perspective as I can. Believe me, I know it's hard. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life. Alot of it stems from family issues and from my relationship to my dad, who is still alive, but incapable of giving or showing love of any kind.
I really wish they offered "counseling" services as a requirement for marriage. Or if I had been more aware, I could have gone a long time ago and saved myself alot of pain. I am at least in the stage where I am working through my issues and I guess sometimes that's just the best one can do.

My thoughts are with you at this time. Good Luck.

I have been doing alot of reading as of late.

I just finished a copy of "The Christmas Sweater" by Glenn Beck.
It's a fast read, you should easily have it done within a day or two. It's very relevant to what you are going through. If your wife would be willing to read it, I think it would have a lot of meaning to her as well, as Glenn also relates in the story and in his personal life to the loss of a parent.

It discusses being in the "eye" of your storm, whatever it may be. He really does share his own experiences very poignantly. He speaks of forgiveness, facing your greatest fears and your regrets. His website, I think it's called eyeofthestorm.com also shares other people's personal stories. I thought it was helpful for me to read those just to gain some much needed perspective. Even though this is the absolute toughest time of my life, it helped me to see that even as awful as I currently feel, other people have it worse than me. After reading other people's experiences, it made me feel as if I should look around and see who is hurting worse than I am and find out what I can do to help. Service. It's a great healer, perspective gainer and hey, it helps to kill the time and take your mind off your own problems. I know you may not feel like you are up to it. But just keep it in mind for when you feel like you might. Tis' the season, right?

Also if you do not have a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale, go get one - today!

I cannot say enough about this book. It's amazing. I feel like Norman Peale is straight up, a gift from God. His insights are truly amazing!
Right off the bat, he will help you feel better about whatever is going on in your life and he will tell you how to cope and what you need to do to buoy yourself up and stay afloat. Especially when you feel like you can't or don't even want to.

I highly, highly recommend this book. Sorry for the back to back posts. I logged out then thought about some of what I have been doing/read recently and am hoping this may help you.

Take Care, and remember you can email me anytime.

Sugar,

Thanks for stepping up to help out one of our favorite members here. Just one thought though. It may not be wise to list your email address on a public forum. You never know who is reading. You may want to delete the address from your post and sent it to LJ in a PM (private message), for your own security.

Thanks, GMichael, done!

By the way GMichael, your lizard story was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh, I needed one.

Hey Sugar, was wondering if you were gonna stick around.

Yeah, don't be posting any uniquely identifiable public info here or on any other web forums. I'm pretty careful about privacy stuff, I've had my identity stolen on 3 occasions, different ways, never online, but it's scary stuff. Lucky for me I was only inconvenienced and frightened by these events, and didn't lose any money or anything in the end.

I've been goin' through my own little "rough patch" as of late. I haven't really felt like talking to anyone, (for awhile) but today for whatever reason I decided to log on & read some posts. Once I read what was going on with L.J. I knew I had to at least offer some help or advice (I hope it's decent) being that I am pretty much going through the same kind of stuff. I know it's no fun. I tend to be a pretty open person and haven't had much experience on sites like this, so I need to remember to be careful. Thanks for the warning.

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Originally Posted by L.J.

I'm not trying to paint this evil picture of her. She is still a very nice person and she still loves me. As long as we don't talk about the immediate future than the house still functions somewhat normally. I want to hold onto our friendship but I don't know how long that's gonna last for.

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LJ, I'm sorry to hear about all that's going on. This is absolutely none of my business and I don't know either of you. But as Sir TT can attest to, if you're going to air your laundry here at AR, I'm going to stick my nose in it. I'm going to play devil's advocate based on the limited information that you've provided. Feel free to tell me to mind my own business if you don't like what I have to say.

It sounds to me like you're still in shock. What you need to do is get over the shock and get good and angry. You say that she still loves you, but it doesn't sound like she's acting as though she loves you. Her behaviour is selfish and shows a lack of respect for you, your feelings, and your marriage.

Get mad. Get really pissed off. More importantly, don't let her steamroll you by telling you that she loves you but just can't make it work, blah, blah, blah, without even trying. If, after all these years of marriage, she won't be honest with you about whatever it is that she's going through then **** her. You deserve better. And fight like hell for your kids. If custody of your kids isn't an option then fight for the right to see them when you want and as often as you want. They're as much yours as hers and you should have every single right in the world to spend time with them.

Perhaps your wife's actions are the result of her reevaluating her life as the result of her father's death. Maybe it's part of the mourning process. Maybe she needs councilling. I understand that you want to be supportive of her during this time. But do what's best for you. Maybe she'll come to her senses and it will all work out. But make decisions based on the best decisions for you and for your kids.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by ForeverAutumn

LJ, I'm sorry to hear about all that's going on. This is absolutely none of my business and I don't know either of you. But as Sir TT can attest to, if you're going to air your laundry here at AR, I'm going to stick my nose in it. I'm going to play devil's advocate based on the limited information that you've provided. Feel free to tell me to mind my own business if you don't like what I have to say.

It sounds to me like you're still in shock. What you need to do is get over the shock and get good and angry. You say that she still loves you, but it doesn't sound like she's acting as though she loves you. Her behaviour is selfish and shows a lack of respect for you, your feelings, and your marriage.

Get mad. Get really pissed off. More importantly, don't let her steamroll you by telling you that she loves you but just can't make it work, blah, blah, blah, without even trying. If, after all these years of marriage, she won't be honest with you about whatever it is that she's going through then **** her. You deserve better. And fight like hell for your kids. If custody of your kids isn't an option then fight for the right to see them when you want and as often as you want. They're as much yours as hers and you should have every single right in the world to spend time with them.

Perhaps your wife's actions are the result of her reevaluating her life as the result of her father's death. Maybe it's part of the mourning process. Maybe she needs councilling. I understand that you want to be supportive of her during this time. But do what's best for you. Maybe she'll come to her senses and it will all work out. But make decisions based on the best decisions for you and for your kids.

Good luck.

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A lot of truth here LJ. Sometimes it's tough to be tough, but you have to think about what is right for you and your kids. It doesn't sound like she is.

Sugar,

Glad to see you'll be sticking around. Poor FA takes the brunt of all us guy's sarcasm.

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Originally Posted by L.J.

...I'm proud to say that in the end I lived up to my vowels. I never lied to her or cheated or did anything shady. I alway put my family before myself. I would have stayed until the very end.

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That's a feather in your cap L.J. You've passed the Fatherhood test with flying colors. Some of us who've been around you for a while know that as well, just by reading your posts over the years. We've seen the way you compromised with the room treatments, the way you got the upper hand with the use of your Harmony remote ( :smilewinkgrin: ) and in general your treatment of the WAF.

No matter what L.J., always keep those qualities in mind and in the long run you'll be the one that comes out the winner.

Chin up son! :yesnod:

Again thanks for the love everyone.

SB I sent you a PM.

FA, I feel what your saying and I agree with you. There has been no discussion of who gets the children or when or anything like that. They are my #1 concern of course and there should be no reason why I couldn't see them whenever I wanted. Since we are still in the same house, I'm trying to go about this as decent as possible. Last thing I want to do is have a bunch of screaming matches. I am frustrated but at the same time, I really don't know what to think. Perhaps "shocked" is a very good term to use.

I know L.J. you mentioned you have kids, I don't know if you have a daughter or not.

As a side note, just wanted to mention the importance of keeping an outstanding relationship with your kids, especially if you do have a daughter. The whole father/daughter relationship is so important.
I know we all know that, but it's so true.

I have found that at the heart of the matter with what I am going through- because I did not have that, it's contributed to alot of behaviors and thoughts that were damaging that I didn't even realize I had or did! I realize for your wife, now that her father has passed, all she can do is go back and analyze (if she needs to) the relationship for what it was, but for you, and your kids, you have to be there. And if you have a daughter, make sure that she knows, I mean KNOWS that you love her and respect her and make her feel safe. All we can do is accept and forgive the past and go forward presently and in the future, but if fathers can give their daughters that all important confidence and unconditional love that they need and yearn to have in life; so much better they will be in how they feel about themselves and the choices they will make in their lives. It's true that if a girl doesn't have what she needs emotionally from her dad, she will go elsewhere to find it. Sorry for all the mumbo jumbo, I just wanted to emphasize to L.J. if he does have a girl how important the relationship will be, no matter what happens with he and his wife.

Hope things are looking up, remember when you're down, it's the only way to go! :smile5:

L.J. It's possible she is going thru depression (clinical depression...she lost her father). Just a thought to keep in the back of your mind. You might want to search depression and the symptoms, it can manifest itself differently from person to person. It is a possibility for you also in these difficult times. It is not imaginary but a condition brought on by a chemical imbalance in the brain. I went thru it myself when my father died. Many people experience it sometime in their life at varying levels of severity. It is a very real but temporary condition that can be managed with professional help. (Be sure she is not self medicating with alcohol or drugs .. sorry, but it frequently can be a contributing factor).

Take good care of yourself and keep us up to date on how your coping.

RR6

I don't want to come accross with some hokus-pokus-allakazam BS here, LJ, but without knowing much about your situation, I can imagine how upsetting and crazy it must be for you to see your one-and-only fly apart the way she has lately. In times of acute stress, it isn't uncommon to see behaviors, thoughts and feelings uncorked. Having been bottled up for so long, the pressure keeping the stuff inside has been festering and boiling. Now that dad is gone, the permission to let the stuff go has been granted, and all the attendant messiness and ugliness that comes with it is splattering everyone in its path. Since you are more than likely her best friend, you are privy to everything, including the good, the bad and the ugly. Right now, you are in the awful quandry of pushing or pulling: If you push her, she'll push back with a vengeance; if you ignore her, she'll think you don't care. Don't look at these reactions as those of a rational, functional adult, but those of a frightened child or, more fundamentally, an unleashed creature.

At the same time, your world is likewise becoming unhinged. With this relationship fraying around the edges, your senses of identity, safety and self-respect are in precarious positions, testing your mettle and ability to stay safe and sane. You cannot allow yourself to fall into a trap of hopeless thinking or consideration that you are a failure. Drugs and booze will cloud your judgment and put you into a bad hole that will be hard or impossible to crawl out of. Surround yourself with good, healthy friends and people who know you and are encouraging. Don't listen to heavy music with the curtains drawn and the lights out. Exercise, eat well and keep a schedule. If you find things are just, plumb awful, see a professional. This means both of you. Even a couples' expert, who can help you uncover some of the crap that is poisoning your relationship. Don't be shy about a temporary med to ease your anxiety and help you sleep.

You are a strong man, LJ: You have achieved much in your time and there is much more for you to do before you kick it. Don't let your head trick you into thinking half truths and BS thoughts that you know are nothing more than BS....

Now, who wants some homemade tollhouse cookies and milk?

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Originally Posted by L.J.

Again thanks for the love everyone.

SB I sent you a PM.

FA, I feel what your saying and I agree with you. There has been no discussion of who gets the children or when or anything like that. They are my #1 concern of course and there should be no reason why I couldn't see them whenever I wanted. Since we are still in the same house, I'm trying to go about this as decent as possible. Last thing I want to do is have a bunch of screaming matches. I am frustrated but at the same time, I really don't know what to think. Perhaps "shocked" is a very good term to use.

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I hear you. A peaceful environment is a good environment, expecially when there are children in the house. Just don't let yourself be taken advantage of. That's all I was really trying to say.

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Originally Posted by Woochifer

Oh man, sorry to hear about that. Keep your spirits up in the meantime. We're all pulling for you, and look forward to seeing you back in the fold in short order. Take care ...

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+10. I am a little bummed myself, as my baby chickens are flying the coup next year. I am already missing them.

I could use some cookies and milk!!!

I've lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks :nonod: I haven't been eating much but I'm starting to get my appetite back.

I'm not gonna let this get me down. I've read this thread over and over and you guys make a lot of sense. It's sad that a bad situation is splitting us apart rather than bringing us closer together. The fact that she is not willing to fight for our marriage after 11 years tells me a lot though. People just throw good things away too easy now a days. She has a lot of people supporting her decision. I would think that people would suggest working things out but I guess not.

She has been taking depression or anxiety meds since her dad died. Whatever she was taking before made her sleep all the time and the doc recently switched her meds. I suggested counseling to her months ago and although she said she would do it, she keeps putting it off.

Now she says she'll seek counseling after she leaves. I have suggested doing anything and everything to work through this but her response is she has made up her mind, nothing or no one can change that and she just wants to be alone.

I come from a stable household and although my parents divorced after many years of marriage, I was already out of the house. She unfortunately bounced around as a child. Her mom has been married 3 times but now she is alone. Her parents lived in different states so she would stay with her dad all year long and go to her moms during the summer and breaks. She tells me she went through a stretch of 5 years without seeing or speaking to her mother. Before moving to cali, her mom got into some bad relationships. She has witnessed some bad things as a child. I believe she even lived with her grandparents for a while. Maybe this is why she can throw everything away so easily.

Since she is unwilling to try, there is pretty much nothing to work with. She may come to her senses eventually or not. I need someone who's gonna have my back when times get tough though. Eventually I'll have it together and this will be a thing of the past. I will use my free time to focus on myself and my children.

BTW, thanks for PM's. I will get to them when I get a chance.

I know that this may not help you right now, but I know people who have been in similar situations and, when all the dust settled, they believe that they ended up better off.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this, and I'm sorrier that your kids will have to go through this. But you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and a good attitude.

I know that you'll be there for your kids to make things as easy as possible for them. And they will continue to be the light that keeps you going. Focus on them, just having them in your life makes you a lucky man.