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By the way GMichael, your lizard story was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh, I needed one.
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Hey Sugar, was wondering if you were gonna stick around.
Yeah, don't be posting any uniquely identifiable public info here or on any other web forums. I'm pretty careful about privacy stuff, I've had my identity stolen on 3 occasions, different ways, never online, but it's scary stuff. Lucky for me I was only inconvenienced and frightened by these events, and didn't lose any money or anything in the end.
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I plan on it,
I've been goin' through my own little "rough patch" as of late. I haven't really felt like talking to anyone, (for awhile) but today for whatever reason I decided to log on & read some posts. Once I read what was going on with L.J. I knew I had to at least offer some help or advice (I hope it's decent) being that I am pretty much going through the same kind of stuff. I know it's no fun. I tend to be a pretty open person and haven't had much experience on sites like this, so I need to remember to be careful. Thanks for the warning.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L.J.
I'm not trying to paint this evil picture of her. She is still a very nice person and she still loves me. As long as we don't talk about the immediate future than the house still functions somewhat normally. I want to hold onto our friendship but I don't know how long that's gonna last for.
LJ, I'm sorry to hear about all that's going on. This is absolutely none of my business and I don't know either of you. But as Sir TT can attest to, if you're going to air your laundry here at AR, I'm going to stick my nose in it. I'm going to play devil's advocate based on the limited information that you've provided. Feel free to tell me to mind my own business if you don't like what I have to say.
It sounds to me like you're still in shock. What you need to do is get over the shock and get good and angry. You say that she still loves you, but it doesn't sound like she's acting as though she loves you. Her behaviour is selfish and shows a lack of respect for you, your feelings, and your marriage.
Get mad. Get really pissed off. More importantly, don't let her steamroll you by telling you that she loves you but just can't make it work, blah, blah, blah, without even trying. If, after all these years of marriage, she won't be honest with you about whatever it is that she's going through then **** her. You deserve better. And fight like hell for your kids. If custody of your kids isn't an option then fight for the right to see them when you want and as often as you want. They're as much yours as hers and you should have every single right in the world to spend time with them.
Perhaps your wife's actions are the result of her reevaluating her life as the result of her father's death. Maybe it's part of the mourning process. Maybe she needs councilling. I understand that you want to be supportive of her during this time. But do what's best for you. Maybe she'll come to her senses and it will all work out. But make decisions based on the best decisions for you and for your kids.
Good luck.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ForeverAutumn
LJ, I'm sorry to hear about all that's going on. This is absolutely none of my business and I don't know either of you. But as Sir TT can attest to, if you're going to air your laundry here at AR, I'm going to stick my nose in it. I'm going to play devil's advocate based on the limited information that you've provided. Feel free to tell me to mind my own business if you don't like what I have to say.
It sounds to me like you're still in shock. What you need to do is get over the shock and get good and angry. You say that she still loves you, but it doesn't sound like she's acting as though she loves you. Her behaviour is selfish and shows a lack of respect for you, your feelings, and your marriage.
Get mad. Get really pissed off. More importantly, don't let her steamroll you by telling you that she loves you but just can't make it work, blah, blah, blah, without even trying. If, after all these years of marriage, she won't be honest with you about whatever it is that she's going through then **** her. You deserve better. And fight like hell for your kids. If custody of your kids isn't an option then fight for the right to see them when you want and as often as you want. They're as much yours as hers and you should have every single right in the world to spend time with them.
Perhaps your wife's actions are the result of her reevaluating her life as the result of her father's death. Maybe it's part of the mourning process. Maybe she needs councilling. I understand that you want to be supportive of her during this time. But do what's best for you. Maybe she'll come to her senses and it will all work out. But make decisions based on the best decisions for you and for your kids.
Good luck.
A lot of truth here LJ. Sometimes it's tough to be tough, but you have to think about what is right for you and your kids. It doesn't sound like she is.
Sugar,
Glad to see you'll be sticking around. Poor FA takes the brunt of all us guy's sarcasm.
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And you should be proud L.J.
Quote:
Originally Posted by L.J.
...I'm proud to say that in the end I lived up to my vowels. I never lied to her or cheated or did anything shady. I alway put my family before myself. I would have stayed until the very end.
That's a feather in your cap L.J. You've passed the Fatherhood test with flying colors. Some of us who've been around you for a while know that as well, just by reading your posts over the years. We've seen the way you compromised with the room treatments, the way you got the upper hand with the use of your Harmony remote ( :smilewinkgrin: ) and in general your treatment of the WAF.
No matter what L.J., always keep those qualities in mind and in the long run you'll be the one that comes out the winner.
Chin up son! :yesnod:
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Again thanks for the love everyone.
SB I sent you a PM.
FA, I feel what your saying and I agree with you. There has been no discussion of who gets the children or when or anything like that. They are my #1 concern of course and there should be no reason why I couldn't see them whenever I wanted. Since we are still in the same house, I'm trying to go about this as decent as possible. Last thing I want to do is have a bunch of screaming matches. I am frustrated but at the same time, I really don't know what to think. Perhaps "shocked" is a very good term to use.
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For all of you guys that have daughters,
I know L.J. you mentioned you have kids, I don't know if you have a daughter or not.
As a side note, just wanted to mention the importance of keeping an outstanding relationship with your kids, especially if you do have a daughter. The whole father/daughter relationship is so important.
I know we all know that, but it's so true.
I have found that at the heart of the matter with what I am going through- because I did not have that, it's contributed to alot of behaviors and thoughts that were damaging that I didn't even realize I had or did! I realize for your wife, now that her father has passed, all she can do is go back and analyze (if she needs to) the relationship for what it was, but for you, and your kids, you have to be there. And if you have a daughter, make sure that she knows, I mean KNOWS that you love her and respect her and make her feel safe. All we can do is accept and forgive the past and go forward presently and in the future, but if fathers can give their daughters that all important confidence and unconditional love that they need and yearn to have in life; so much better they will be in how they feel about themselves and the choices they will make in their lives. It's true that if a girl doesn't have what she needs emotionally from her dad, she will go elsewhere to find it. Sorry for all the mumbo jumbo, I just wanted to emphasize to L.J. if he does have a girl how important the relationship will be, no matter what happens with he and his wife.
Hope things are looking up, remember when you're down, it's the only way to go! :smile5:
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L.J. It's possible she is going thru depression (clinical depression...she lost her father). Just a thought to keep in the back of your mind. You might want to search depression and the symptoms, it can manifest itself differently from person to person. It is a possibility for you also in these difficult times. It is not imaginary but a condition brought on by a chemical imbalance in the brain. I went thru it myself when my father died. Many people experience it sometime in their life at varying levels of severity. It is a very real but temporary condition that can be managed with professional help. (Be sure she is not self medicating with alcohol or drugs .. sorry, but it frequently can be a contributing factor).
Take good care of yourself and keep us up to date on how your coping.
RR6
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I don't want to come accross with some hokus-pokus-allakazam BS here, LJ, but without knowing much about your situation, I can imagine how upsetting and crazy it must be for you to see your one-and-only fly apart the way she has lately. In times of acute stress, it isn't uncommon to see behaviors, thoughts and feelings uncorked. Having been bottled up for so long, the pressure keeping the stuff inside has been festering and boiling. Now that dad is gone, the permission to let the stuff go has been granted, and all the attendant messiness and ugliness that comes with it is splattering everyone in its path. Since you are more than likely her best friend, you are privy to everything, including the good, the bad and the ugly. Right now, you are in the awful quandry of pushing or pulling: If you push her, she'll push back with a vengeance; if you ignore her, she'll think you don't care. Don't look at these reactions as those of a rational, functional adult, but those of a frightened child or, more fundamentally, an unleashed creature.
At the same time, your world is likewise becoming unhinged. With this relationship fraying around the edges, your senses of identity, safety and self-respect are in precarious positions, testing your mettle and ability to stay safe and sane. You cannot allow yourself to fall into a trap of hopeless thinking or consideration that you are a failure. Drugs and booze will cloud your judgment and put you into a bad hole that will be hard or impossible to crawl out of. Surround yourself with good, healthy friends and people who know you and are encouraging. Don't listen to heavy music with the curtains drawn and the lights out. Exercise, eat well and keep a schedule. If you find things are just, plumb awful, see a professional. This means both of you. Even a couples' expert, who can help you uncover some of the crap that is poisoning your relationship. Don't be shy about a temporary med to ease your anxiety and help you sleep.
You are a strong man, LJ: You have achieved much in your time and there is much more for you to do before you kick it. Don't let your head trick you into thinking half truths and BS thoughts that you know are nothing more than BS....
Now, who wants some homemade tollhouse cookies and milk?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L.J.
Again thanks for the love everyone.
SB I sent you a PM.
FA, I feel what your saying and I agree with you. There has been no discussion of who gets the children or when or anything like that. They are my #1 concern of course and there should be no reason why I couldn't see them whenever I wanted. Since we are still in the same house, I'm trying to go about this as decent as possible. Last thing I want to do is have a bunch of screaming matches. I am frustrated but at the same time, I really don't know what to think. Perhaps "shocked" is a very good term to use.
I hear you. A peaceful environment is a good environment, expecially when there are children in the house. Just don't let yourself be taken advantage of. That's all I was really trying to say.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Woochifer
Oh man, sorry to hear about that. Keep your spirits up in the meantime. We're all pulling for you, and look forward to seeing you back in the fold in short order. Take care ...
+10. I am a little bummed myself, as my baby chickens are flying the coup next year. I am already missing them.
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I could use some cookies and milk!!!
I've lost 5 pounds in 2 weeks :nonod: I haven't been eating much but I'm starting to get my appetite back.
I'm not gonna let this get me down. I've read this thread over and over and you guys make a lot of sense. It's sad that a bad situation is splitting us apart rather than bringing us closer together. The fact that she is not willing to fight for our marriage after 11 years tells me a lot though. People just throw good things away too easy now a days. She has a lot of people supporting her decision. I would think that people would suggest working things out but I guess not.
She has been taking depression or anxiety meds since her dad died. Whatever she was taking before made her sleep all the time and the doc recently switched her meds. I suggested counseling to her months ago and although she said she would do it, she keeps putting it off.
Now she says she'll seek counseling after she leaves. I have suggested doing anything and everything to work through this but her response is she has made up her mind, nothing or no one can change that and she just wants to be alone.
I come from a stable household and although my parents divorced after many years of marriage, I was already out of the house. She unfortunately bounced around as a child. Her mom has been married 3 times but now she is alone. Her parents lived in different states so she would stay with her dad all year long and go to her moms during the summer and breaks. She tells me she went through a stretch of 5 years without seeing or speaking to her mother. Before moving to cali, her mom got into some bad relationships. She has witnessed some bad things as a child. I believe she even lived with her grandparents for a while. Maybe this is why she can throw everything away so easily.
Since she is unwilling to try, there is pretty much nothing to work with. She may come to her senses eventually or not. I need someone who's gonna have my back when times get tough though. Eventually I'll have it together and this will be a thing of the past. I will use my free time to focus on myself and my children.
BTW, thanks for PM's. I will get to them when I get a chance.
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I know that this may not help you right now, but I know people who have been in similar situations and, when all the dust settled, they believe that they ended up better off.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this, and I'm sorrier that your kids will have to go through this. But you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and a good attitude.
I know that you'll be there for your kids to make things as easy as possible for them. And they will continue to be the light that keeps you going. Focus on them, just having them in your life makes you a lucky man.
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It isn't unusual for a person who has been bounced around to have a sense of rootlessness and have difficulty making enduring, trust-based relationships. With dad gone, your lady may feel as though an anchor has been pulled up and she has no-one left to give her a sense of roots or permanence. You may likewise get the sense that you have done your best to help in this respect, building together a place of your own.
Unfortunately, she has learned to be wary and vigilant, characteristics that we who have lived in more stable households have not had to acquire. I am not surprised to read of bad experiences that she has probably only told you about in small doses.
As I said, you are in the middle of a tug-of-war, here. Part of her trusts you and loves you and made a life with you: that is her rational, functional adult side. On the other side is a irrational and scared little girl whose priority is finding safety. Both pulls are equally strong and effective, and only time will tell which side wins out.
Give her some slack now, but let her know that you will be there when she needs you. Try not to come accross as parental, but as a peer. Imagine what it must be like to be 8 years old and hiding behind a rock with her. Be strong, but not overbearing.
Keep me up to date by PM or here if you like.
*Counseling is a good idea, but you can't force her hand. Please let me know more about the med change etc. via PM. This might be relevant....
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Thanks for your thoughts and PM's everyone. I promise that I will get back to you asap. I'm taking a break from thinking about this stuff so I'm going back to being good ol' LJ for a bit.
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Okay good. Because....
Quote:
Originally Posted by L.J.
Thanks for your thoughts and PM's everyone. I promise that I will get back to you asap. I'm taking a break from thinking about this stuff so I'm going back to being good ol' LJ for a bit.
I's gonna smoke yo azz next time I see you in an online game.
:out: <== I know, you don't have to tell me.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rich-n-Texas
I's gonna smoke yo azz next time I see you in an online game.
:out: <== I know, you don't have to tell me.
Too early for you to be sippin' Rich :nono:
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Even tho I had some ragin' hot wings @ lunchtime? :sad:
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Wassup folks! Just wanna let you guys & gals know that my wife and I have been doing better and she is pretty much gonna stay. We still have soooo much we need to correct and work out but at least there is something to work with. I have lost a lot of confidence in my marriage and I think it's gonna take a while to get that back.
I want to thank all of you for your support when I was down. It meant a great deal to me to know that people out there that has never met me, cares about me. I really do love this place and I hope the people here never go away.
Thanks to the folks that gave me advice and sent me PM's. I'm sorry i never responded but it was soooo hard for me to reply without breaking down. I truly thank you for everything and just for caring.
I haven't been around lately but I'll try to stop in more to say hi and maybe even answer a couple of BR questions:p
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LJ, I was glad to read the better news. You know we are all out here cheering you on for whatever makes you happy. I am glad you both are giving your marriage a second chance.
I hope one day to have the same right.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L.J.
Wassup folks! Just wanna let you guys & gals know that my wife and I have been doing better and she is pretty much gonna stay. We still have soooo much we need to correct and work out but at least there is something to work with. I have lost a lot of confidence in my marriage and I think it's gonna take a while to get that back.
I want to thank all of you for your support when I was down. It meant a great deal to me to know that people out there that has never met me, cares about me. I really do love this place and I hope the people here never go away.
Thanks to the folks that gave me advice and sent me PM's. I'm sorry i never responded but it was soooo hard for me to reply without breaking down. I truly thank you for everything and just for caring.
I haven't been around lately but I'll try to stop in more to say hi and maybe even answer a couple of BR questions:p
Hey LJ...
Thanks for dropping by. Glad to hear the positive news. Good on you for hangin' in there. Hope to see ya 'round these parts a bit more, hasn't been the same without you around as much.
You must be the Resistance champ by now!
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Hey, MAN! Here....have a beer, buckaroo!
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Happy New Year to you too L.J.! :cool:
Glad to hear that things have simmered down on the homefront. It doesn't sound like things will be easy, but at least both of you are on the same page with wanting to work things out. That's always a good start, and it's better for everyone esp. the little ones. No matter what happens, we're always pulling for YOU (since your wife doesn't post squat about Blu-ray, PS3 gaming, and anime, she's nolo contendere around here!). Best to you in '09
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