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  1. #1
    What, me worry? piece-it pete's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Cleveland Ohio

    The joke's on...

    The musicians

    Why are viola jokes so short?
    So violinists can understand them.

    Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
    You might bend the nail.

    "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

    "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

    "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"


    Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?


    There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.

    A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.

    Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."

    After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"

    Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
    Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

    The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.

    How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
    Shoot one.


    Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"

    The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    To get away from the bassoon recital.

    What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?

    What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
    I don't know either.

    How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
    His hat says "Domino's Pizza" .

    Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
    Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it

    What's a tuba for?
    1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."

    There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.


    Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

    *Violinist: 25 feet
    *Bad Violinist: 50 feet
    *Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
    *15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
    *Accordionist: 60 miles


    Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"

    Have a great weekend!

    I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
    Abraham Lincoln

  2. #2
    Can a crooner get a gig? dean_martin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Lower AL
    Hey Pete

    This is what my high school band director used to tell our tuba players:

    "Feed an elephant onions and peppers and he'll make that same sound."

  3. #3
    Forum Regular
    Join Date
    May 2003

    Some more...

    Definition of an optimist: a Basson player with a beeper

    What do you call a musician who just broke up with his girlfriend? homeless

    Definition of a drummer: someone who hangs out with musicians

    You're driving down a country road, and you see a dead skunk and a dead musician in the ditch. What do you know? You know that, however unlikely, there was a CHANCE that the skunk was on its way to a gig.


  4. #4
    Forum Regular
    Join Date
    May 2003


    What's Perfect Pitch?

    A: It is the ability to throw an accordion into a dumpster without hitting the sides.

    B: It is the ability to throw a cello into a dumpster without hitting any accordions.


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