Joke of the Day

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  • 01-28-2013, 09:15 AM
    blackraven
    Joke of the Day
    Little Johnny went to the mall with his Grandpa. Johnny got separated from his Grandpa and started crying. A security guard found Johnny and asked him if he was lost. Johnny told him he was with his Grandpa. So the guard ask's him- "what is you Grandpa's name" and Johnny replies- "His name is Grandpa" and then he starts crying again. So the guard consoles Johnny and says- Don't worry we will
    find your Grandpa. what's your Grandpa like?" Johnny looks up at him and says-

    "Grandpa likes Jack Daniels and Women with big boobs!":lol:
  • 01-28-2013, 09:31 AM
    Hyfi
    Dentist with a good sense of humor


    A gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

    "No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

    The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

    "I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

    The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

    "No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

    The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

    The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

    "It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"
  • 01-28-2013, 11:09 AM
    markw
    Two hillbillies go to a big mall for the first time.
    The whole family is in awe ofall the stores and fine things available. As usual, the women split off on their own leaving the men to fend for themselves.

    They walj around and come to the center wherethere is this large cylandary with four stainless steel doors on each side. Over each dooe there is the top half of a clock with lights where one would expect numbers.

    They see the doors open, an extremely large, unarttractive woman walk in. The doors closed, and the lights go to the right. After a bit of time, they see the lights coming back to the left and, when they get to the left most side, the doors slide open a beautiful woman steps out.

    Poppa says to the son "Boy, go fetch your momma."
  • 01-28-2013, 06:11 PM
    StevenSurprenant
    This redneck walks into a bar and immediately notices a large jar full of $5 bills sitting on the counter. After perching on a stool he asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender replies, Well, we have a little contest going on, but it'll cost you $5 to find out what it is. If you win, you get the whole jar of money. After a moment of thought, the redneck says, I'll pass and asks for a beer. A couple of hours pass and a couple dozen bottles of beer finds it's way into his stomach. In a drunken stupor, he leans over the counter and says, Hey bartender, I've changed my mind. Here's my 5 bucks. Now what do I have to do to win this money? The bartender says, there are 3 things you have to do. First, you have to drink this bottle of tequila in under 60 seconds. The second thing you must do is go out back where you will find a pit bull with a bad tooth. You have to remove the tooth. The last thing you have to do is make love to the 90 year old virgin that lives above the bar.

    The redneck says okay and turns the bottle of tequila up on end and in just under 60 seconds, it's gone. He gets up from his bar stool and staggers out the back of the bar. Inside the bar they can hear the dog growing, snarling, barking and the screams of the redneck. Fifteen minutes pass and the redneck staggers back into the bar, his clothes ripped to shreds, blood dripping from being bitten and he says, Okay, where's the old lady with the bad tooth?
  • 01-28-2013, 10:09 PM
    blackraven
    So there is this Walrus driving down the road in his car when he see's steam coming from under the hood. So he drives to the nearest service station and the mechanic says we can take a look at the car and probably have if fixed in an hour or 2. He says to the Walrus, "why don't you go across the street and have lunch at the diner while we fix your car". The walrus says "thats a great idea" and he heads to the diner. After finishing his sandwich and ice cream he heads back to the service station and asks the manager "how's the car?" The service manager says "it looks like you blew a seal". The walrus then wipes something off his face and tastes it and says, "that is just the vanilla ice cream that I had for lunch!:eek6:
  • 03-16-2013, 12:28 PM
    blackraven
    Joke of the day-

    2 Cannibals were eating a Clown. One Cannibal looks at the other and says-

    "Does this taste funny to you?":biggrin5:
  • 03-16-2013, 01:30 PM
    markw
    A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
    it to the clerk to ask what it was.

    The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

    'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'

    So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

    Her boss saw it on her desk. What's that,' he asked?

    'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied..

    Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

    The blond replied....

    (wait for it...)

    'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

    Ba da Boom!
  • 03-22-2013, 08:36 AM
    blackraven
    Here's an Ole and Lena joke. You have to live in my part of the country (Minnesota, WI, the Dakota's) to appreciate this joke.

    Lena and her husband Ole go to a bar and meet Sven. After a few hours of drinking, Lena and Sven disappear. So Ole ask's the bar tender- "have you seen Lena?" The bar tender replies- "I saw her step outside with Sven a little while ago." So Ole steps outside and see's Lena and Sven having sex in the back seat of his car. Ole walks back into the bar and orders and beer. The bar tender asks- "Did you find her?" Ole replies- "She was in the back seat of my car making love to Sven." "Aren't you going to do something" the bar tender replies.

    So Ole says-"No, that Sven, he just thinks he's me!"
  • 04-13-2013, 06:53 AM
    kushy
    Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
  • 04-15-2013, 07:27 AM
    kushy
    Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him. The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it." "That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."
  • 04-16-2013, 06:38 AM
    kushy
    2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
    Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
    sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more.
  • 04-16-2013, 06:58 AM
    Hyfi
    This joke is usually accompanied by a physical and visual so try to imagine after the punch line......

    Why do Jehovah Witnesses all have inverted nipples?

    Visualize here....

    Because of the continued poking in the chest while the homeowner is shouting "Get Off My Porch!"
  • 04-16-2013, 08:57 AM
    blackraven
    A man carrying a pig walks into his bedroom where his wife is resting and says "Here's the fat pig that I have been sleeping with". His wife then looks up at him and says "you've been sleeping with that pig?" The man replies "shut up, I wasn't talking to you".


    Bada Bing!
  • 04-17-2013, 05:06 AM
    kushy
    A junior in an office dialed his boss's number by mistake & said :
    Hey, send a coffee in my cabin in two minutes !......
    Boss shouted : do you know whom you're talking to?!!!!!!
    ... Junior: no!
    Boss: i'm the boss of this office.
    Junior(in the same tone): & do u know whom you're talking to?
    Boss: no!
    Junior: thank God.(and disconnected the phone).. ;) :P
  • 04-25-2013, 06:57 AM
    kushy
    A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
  • 04-30-2013, 05:18 AM
    kushy
    Interviewer: imagine that u r in room with all doors & windows closed & it caught fire, now how can u escape?
    Sardar ji: very simple, I'll stop imagining...
  • 05-16-2013, 08:47 AM
    kushy
    Husband & wife - Love your enemy

    From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die,
    I want you to marry Samy."
    "Samy! But he is your enemy!"
    "Yes, I know that. I've suffered all these years; so let him suffer now."
  • 05-17-2013, 05:24 AM
    kushy
    Why ants dance on Jam bottle.

    A: As they are trying to twist the lid to open.
  • 05-17-2013, 05:40 AM
    markw
    A small, rural West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle.

    Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators remembered Cletus, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

    Cletus wasn't too bright but it was rumored he possessed ample inventory and the ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

    Cletus was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to, errr ...service, the gorilla for $500? Cletus showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

    The following day, Cletus announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

    "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, nobody better ever hear about this."

    The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

    "Well," said Cletus, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
  • 05-25-2013, 08:40 AM
    blackraven
    A 40 year old woman who recently had a face lift goes to the supermarket and asks the guy at the check out counter how old do you think I am? He responds- You don't look a day over 35. She says thank you, I am 40. She then goes and buys some shoe's and asks the salesman how old do you think I am? He responds- Why you don't look a day over 30. She says thank you, I am 40 years old. She then decides to stop by McDonalds to eat some lunch. She pays for the food and decides to ask the cashier how old do you think I am? He responds, why you don't look a day over 29. She giggles with happiness and says- Thank you very much, I am 40 years old.

    She then takes her lunch and sits down on a park bench to eat. About this time a bum sits down beside her. She thinks to herself, what the hell and asks the bum how old do you think I am? He replies, I can tell you how old you are but I must feel your breasts. Being curious, she thinks about it and says ok. After a couple of minutes of feeling her breasts he says- You are 40 years old. Astounded she says, that's amazing, you were able to tell how old I was by feeling my breasts. The bum replies, nope, I was standing behind you in line at the McDonalds!

    Bada Bing, Bada Boom!
  • 05-30-2013, 09:05 AM
    kushy
    There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
    His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him
    say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well,
    the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?
    His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
  • 06-06-2013, 09:25 AM
    kushy
    A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

    Suddenly, Lorraine died.

    At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
  • 06-06-2013, 05:50 PM
    regular donut
    Hahah nice one, kushy.

    -------

    A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

    The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 40 feet above the ground. You are between 38 and 39 degrees north latitude and between 56 and 57 degrees west longitude.”

    You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

    “I am,” replied the man, “How did you know?”

    “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost.”

    The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”

    “I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

    “Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going and you made a promise which you have no idea how to keep. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”
  • 06-08-2013, 11:39 PM
    kushy
    3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

    So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

    Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

    Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

    Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"
  • 06-10-2013, 10:22 AM
    kushy
    My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."
    "How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."