Joke of the Day

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  • 06-10-2013, 02:39 PM
    dingus
    if i were to come up with a pet name for my crank, i'd choose Einstein.

    that way i'd always be within reach of another stroke of genius.
  • 06-12-2013, 09:50 AM
    kushy
    A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned
    the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a
    fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden explained, "What's going to happen is that I go up
    the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls." The woman nodded and was surprised
    when he handed her the gun. "You know how to use this?" he asked. "I do," she said, "but what's it for?" The warden replied,
    "Well ..... sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that happens, I want you to do
    one thing." "Shoot the gorilla?" "No," he answered, "the dog."
  • 06-18-2013, 09:23 AM
    regular donut
    Haha I gotta say. kushy, you're killing me with these jokes. :thumbsup:



    One night a guy is driving past a mental hospital and blows a tire. He pulls over to inspect the damage and start changing the tire and sees that one of the patients is watching him through the fence.

    The driver puts the nuts into the hubcap and soon enough, accidentally steps on the hubcap, sending the nuts flying.

    The guy looks around but he is unable to locate the nuts in the dark.

    The patient is still quietly watching him through the fence.

    The driver is trying to think of what to do when the the patient says "Take one nut off each of the other tires, secure the fourth tire with three nuts and just drive slowly and carefully until you get to the next town where you can buy four more nuts and properly secure all your tires."

    "That's brilliant," says the driver. "Say, what's someone like you doing in an asylum?"

    To which the patient replies "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not stupid."
  • 06-18-2013, 10:43 AM
    kushy
    Nice joke.
  • 06-19-2013, 01:12 AM
    kushy
    President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
    "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
    "Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
    "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
    "Gosh, and the good news?"
    "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."
  • 06-24-2013, 04:16 AM
    Hyfi
    Stole this from another forum because it's pretty funny


    Lawyers should never ask a West Virginia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

    He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

    She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

    She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

    The defense attorney nearly died.

    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
  • 06-24-2013, 08:35 AM
    Hyfi
    Another good one


    I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

    We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

    I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

    The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,


    orange, and blue.

    My dad kept staring at her.

    The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

    When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:


    "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

    Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not

    choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

    In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid .....

    "Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if

    you might be my kid."
  • 07-01-2013, 03:56 PM
    JohnMichael
    Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
  • 07-20-2013, 01:47 PM
    StevenSurprenant
    I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
    The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

    My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
    The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
    At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

    Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
    Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
    Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
    Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
    On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
    I rest my case.

    Time for another beer.
  • 07-20-2013, 02:13 PM
    JohnMichael
    Steven that is deep.

    I worked in a hospital for a number of years and we enjoyed agravating one another. They were talking about giving birth when I asked "Why do they call it labor when you are on your back?" Damn they run fast.
  • 07-22-2013, 05:30 AM
    markw
    Chelsea Clinton recently said that it's about time they had a woman in the white house. I guess she would know since her father had quite a few of them himself.
  • 07-22-2013, 06:12 AM
    Hyfi
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by StevenSurprenant View Post
    I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
    The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

    My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
    The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
    At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

    Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
    Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
    Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
    Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
    On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
    I rest my case.

    Time for another beer.

    I dented the gas tank on a 1966 BSA motorcycle with my nuts in an accident. I had problems for 5 or 6 years after that so I will have to agree.
  • 07-22-2013, 07:46 AM
    blackraven
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Hyfi View Post
    I dented the gas tank on a 1966 BSA motorcycle with my nuts in an accident. I had problems for 5 or 6 years after that so I will have to agree.

    Ouch!
  • 07-22-2013, 07:53 AM
    Hyfi
    no, it's more like in a Michael Jackson tone....EEEEeeeh..HEEeeee
  • 07-22-2013, 09:48 AM
    frenchmon
    Well you know you left you self open for all kinds of scorn and poking fun at don't you, Hyfi? I think I will take the high road on this one.
  • 07-22-2013, 09:59 AM
    Hyfi
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by frenchmon View Post
    Well you know you left you self open for all kinds of scorn and poking fun at don't you, Hyfi? I think I will take the high road on this one.

    No, which response?
  • 08-16-2013, 11:33 AM
    markw
    1 Attachment(s)
    ...and you wonder why parents go grey earlier than singles?
  • 08-20-2013, 06:39 PM
    blackraven
    So this guy is in bed with his wife and she says to him "Have you slept with any other women while we have been married". He replies No, all the others kept me up all night".:smilewinkgrin:
  • 08-23-2013, 09:23 AM
    markw
    A Radio Station was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali for a week.

    The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:

    DJ: 96FM, this is Neil,.What's your name?

    Caller: Hi Neil, my name's Dave.

    DJ: Dave, what is your word?

    Caller: Goan, spelled G-O-A-N, pronounced "go-an"

    DJ: We are just checking that (…pause) and you are correct, Dave,"goan" is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

    Caller: Sure Neil. Goan f**k yourself!

    At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

    DJ: 96FM, This is Neil. What's your name?

    Caller: Hi, my name's Jeff.

    DJ: Jeff, what is your word?

    Caller: Smee, spelt S M E E, pronounced "smee".

    DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, "smee" is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

    Caller: Sure, Neil. Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!
  • 08-26-2013, 10:14 AM
    Hyfi
    It all makes sense now.

    Gay Marriage and Marijuana legalized on the same day.

    Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lay with another man, he should be stoned"

    We have just been interpreting it wrong all these years.
  • 08-26-2013, 11:13 AM
    blackraven
    Bad Joke of the day-

    What is a Pirate's favorite element-








    Arrrrgon!





    What is a Pirate's favorite vegetable-









    Arrrrrugala!
  • 08-26-2013, 11:26 AM
    JohnMichael
    A doctor calls his patient

    Doctor says "This is not the kind of news I like to give over the phone. Sadly I have bad news and worse news".

    The patient says "Well give me the bad news first"

    The doctor tells the patient "You only have 24 hours to live".

    The stunned patient asks "What could be worse"?

    The doctor answers "I was unable to reach you yesterday".
  • 08-27-2013, 07:40 AM
    markw
    Kids grow up too fast today.
    My 12 year-old grand-daughter and I were discussing Disney princesses, one of her favorite subjects and she hits me with this question?

    Do you know why Ariel (from "The Little Mermaid") wears sea shells"?

    I say, "No, honey, tell me why"?

    She says "My friend Rhonda says it's because B shells are too small and D shells are too big. What does she mean"?

    So, when I got up off the floor, I called my daughter-in-law to take over from here.
  • 08-27-2013, 05:37 PM
    blackraven
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by markw View Post
    My 12 year-old grand-daughter and I were discussing Disney princesses, one of her favorite subjects and she hits me with this question?

    Do you know why Ariel (from "The Little Mermaid") wears sea shells"?

    I say, "No, honey, tell me why"?

    She says "My friend Rhonda says it's because B shells are too small and D shells are too big. What does she mean"?

    So, when I got up off the floor, I called my daughter-in-law to take over from here.


    That is too funny!
  • 08-30-2013, 05:23 AM
    markw
    1 Attachment(s)
    Any cat lovers out there?
    I like dogs too, but I just can't eat a whole one anymore.