Joke of the day!

Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow. Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Marc and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" Marc thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

There was this middle aged women visiting her friend who is a doctor. She eventually said, "I'm having trouble with my husband. We still get along fine, but he never wants to do it anymore. Is there anything I can do?"
The doc says sure, we can fix that now. He writes her a prescription and tells her to just put one of these in his coffee in the morning. I think you'll be happy with the results. So, she runs out and has the prescription filled. The next morning, she does as told and drops one in his coffee. That night, when he came home, they made out like crazy, but still no happy ending. The next day, she dropped in two. That night it happened. But still, it was only like 5 minutes and she didn't get to finish. The next morning, she said screw it. Lets go for broke, and put the rest of the bottle in his coffee. That afternoon, her friend the doc called to see how they were doing. Their 12 year old son had answered the phone. The boy said to the doc, "How are we doing? I'LL TELL YA HOW WE'RE DOIN! My mom is dead. Sis left home. My butt hurts like hell, and dad is out front stark naked going, here kitty kitty......here kitty kitty....

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."

The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Awright, lessee here....

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining of difficulty getting aroused. The doctor winks nodding towards his examining table and motioning with his finger. "Come this way," he says.

She turns red and nearly yells, "If I could come that way I wouldn't be here, buster!"

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez..
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

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A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one..' He's still in intensive care.

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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there."

The insurance salesman parks his car in front of an old farmhouse. As he approaches the porch, he feels something brush his leg. Looking down, he's shocked to see a pig with a wooden leg ambling through. When the door opens and the farmer inquires about his intentions and the introductions have been made, the salesman inquires: "What happened to your pig?"

"We-ll," the farmer drawls, "that's one special pig. Last week the house caught fire, The pig saw what was happening, dragged us all outta bed and called 911. Just in time, as you can see." He motions to the still intact house.

"But..."

"About a year ago," he continues, "the combine flipped on my number one boy. Pig came over and pulled him outta under it and put a splint on his leg and treated him for shock."

"Amazing! But..."

"And my number two boy was out in the pond on his boat, fishin'. Well, the boat capsized, doncha know. Pig was by the bank, jumped in the warter and grabbed him up by the scruff of the neck and pulled him ashore and gave him mouth to mouth (more like mouth the snout) and CPR until he came to. Smart pig, he is!"

"But what about his leg?"

"You don't think we would eat 'im all at onced, do you?"

It was the last day of school and all the kids were bringing presents for their teacher. Since she knew their parents` professions, she had a pretty good idea of what her students had brought her. The daughter of a florist came up and gave the teacher a box. "I`ll bet it`s flowers," the teacher said. "How did you know?" the girl asked. "Just a lucky guess," the teacher replied as she opened the box and found a large bouquet inside. Next, the son of a candy shop owner gave the teacher a box. "I`ll bet it`s candy," the teacher said. "How did you know?" the boy asked. "Just a lucky guess," the teacher replied as she opened the box and found an assortment of chocolates and other confections inside. Next, the son of a liquor store owner gave the teacher a box, but one of the box`s corners was damp from a leak. "I`ll bet it`s wine," the teacher said. "Nope," replied the boy. The teacher touched her finger to the leak and tasted it. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "Nope," replied the boy, now a little giddy that he was the only one who appeared to be able to stump the teacher. The teacher lifted the box over her head and licked the leak. "Is it gin?" she asked. "Nope," replied the boy, smiling. "I give up," said the teacher. "What is it?" The boy happily exclaimed, "A puppy!"

We've all heard about people having guts or balls , but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed , and to alleviate further confusion , the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys , being met by your wife with a broom , and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys , smelling of perfume and beer , lipstick on your collar , slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next , Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking , there is no difference in the outcome , since both ultimately result in death.

Yall had me lol, especially your jokes gmicheal. I needed some laughs.

Grassyass.

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued," Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren`t for me. They`re for him. He`s my brother. He`s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can`t do either."

Awwww...

The horny, old bitty goes to the bar for a midnight rendezvous at local pub. She is dismayed by lack of entertainment, and settles at the bar for a nip. She takes a few sips and notices movement amid the bottles. She takes another drink and watches as a frog, who hops inside a bottle, leaps against the glass.

She motions to the bartender. "What is that?" she asks, pointing to the frog.

"Oh this?" says the man. He raises an eyebrow and places the bottle before the woman and she sees the initials written on its label.

"PEF?" she askes impressed and facinated.

"Well, yes," the bartender blushes. "Putty-tat Eating Frog."

"No!"

"Oh, yes. Just show him your...and he'll go right for it. He's a frog, y'know..."

"No...."

"Yes."

"Disgusting!"

"But gratifying. Fifty bucks, you take him to the back room for a whirl."

She ponders and orders a double. Still, no sign of improvement among the clientele. "Aw right," she says rising. "I'll do it." She pays the bartender the money and goes to the back room.

In five minutes she returns flushed and exasperated. "This frog is useless!" she hisses.

"What happened?"

"He just looked at me! I showed him my kitty and he just hopped around the room! Useless! I demand a refund at once!"

The bartender holds a calming hand up. "I'm sure there is nothing wrong with the frog. Let's take a look."

They proceed together to the back room. After the lady demonstrates the failed frog, she looks to the bartender expectantly.

Without missing a beat, the bartender picks up the frog and stares at it intently. "Aw right, George! What is this? I am dissapointed boy! I'll show you how, one more time....!"

"God, why did you make women so beautiful?"
God says:"so you would love them"
Man says to God:" OK...but why did you make them so dumb?"
God says:"so they would love you!"

A hooker walks up to a preist on the street and says,
"Hey, Father, how 'bout some head for 50 bucks?"
the befuddled preist looks at her and walks on...
he gets back to his parrish and asks an approaching nun,
"Sister, excuse me, but what's 'head'?"
she says, "50 bucks, same as downtown".

An old man went into confession and told the priest, "Father, I'm
81 and married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I
had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice!"

"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in
confession?"

"Never, Father," replied the old man. "I'm Jewish."

"So why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody!!"

There was a Packers fan with a really lame seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

A man goes to the bar to have a drink after a bad day at work. He nurse his beer and spies a young Oriental man sitting next to him. He takes a swig from the beer and cries, "You Chinese are the lowest of the low!"

"Huh?"

"You heard me. Thanks to you, the world is a mess..."

"What?"

"Because of you, Pearl Harbor was destroyed! Be..."

"Whoa, partner! I am Chinese, true, but that was a Japanese attack; not Chinese."

"Hmph!"

"Learn your history."

"Yeah...Japanese, Chinese. What's the difference?"

They sit at the bar quietly. At last, the Chinese man explodes, "What is your background?"

"Huh?"

"You know...Are you Irish, German...?"

"I'm Jewish," the man replies.

"Well, you guys are just awful!"

"Really," the man says, puffing up indignantly.

"You sank the Titanic!"

"Is that so? How do you figure?"

"Guy named Goldberg did it! History Channel said so!"

The man takes a shot of beer. "Listen, Bub, I don't like your tone. Furthermore, it was not a man named Goldberg. It was an iceberg!"

"Hmph....Iceberg, Goldberg! What's the difference?"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Auricauricle

"Hmph....Iceberg, Goldberg! What's the difference?"

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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Not a Joke but good for a laugh anyway........

Woman Sues Quaker Oats Because She Thought A Captain Crunch Crunchberry Was A Real Berry And She Learned It Isn't
Ate them for 4 years for better health. In other news, eating Captain Crunch Crunchberries cereal does not improve mental health


Janine Sugawara of California was shocked to learn that the "crunchberries" in Captain Crunch Crunchberries cereal are not real berries. She had been eating them for better health for four years.


Whilst most people would be too embarrassed to tell anyone they had believed such a stupid thing, Sugawara went and filed a class action lawsuit against Quaker Oats, claiming that they purposely deceived "reasonable" people into believing that crunchberries were a real fruit. Can you have a "class" of one?

While we are all fed up by the number of stupid lawsuits which are allowed to progress, and which often end with ridiculous awards, our hero, US District Judge, Morrison C. England, Jr., immediately dismissed the suit writing,


"Under normal circumstances, when this Court grants a Motion to Dismiss, the Plaintiff is given a reasonable period of time, usually twenty (20) days, in which to file an amended complaint. In this case, however, it is simply impossible for Plaintiff to file an amended complaint stating a claim based upon these facts. The survival of the instant claim would require this Court to ignore all concepts of personal responsibility and common sense.The Court has no intention of allowing that to happen."


The specific reasons for the dismissal include:

"Defendant chose the moniker `Crunchberries' for its brightly colored cereal balls. As far as this Court has been made aware, there is no such fruit growing in the wild or occurring naturally in any part of the world.


Sugawara's attorney had previously failed in an attempt to sue Kellogg under a similar Fruit Loops action. This makes him a cereal frivolous lawsuit filer.

And we all wonder why there are ...so many...cereal killers.

Capt'n Crunch & Tony the Tiger beware.

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biochemistry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "Around 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, fast cars, baseball, super models, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Duuuh, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly.

"So...............you gonna follow the Leafs again this year?"

...start getting the sickness when we are quite young and impressionable...

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her :

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

Morale of this story: Grandma needs cable.