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Thread: Friday funnies?

  1. #1
    What, me worry? piece-it pete's Avatar
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    May 2002
    Cleveland Ohio

    Friday funnies?

    This week, Kerry.

    1st, a couple "Kerryisms" (more to come!):

    Question: Sen. Kerry, your campaign and you were demanding to know whether President Bush had read this National Intelligence Estimate before committing to go to war with Iraq, and it turns out that your staff admitted that you didn't read it either.

    Kerry, verbatim: I've seen several National Intelligence Estimates. I don't know what they're referring to. I'm not sure what they're referring to. I've seen, over the course of my Senate career, a number of National Intelligence Estimates.


    Kerry, verbatim: The strong spending caps in my plan will ensure that spending doesn't grow faster than inflation. And if Congress fails to keep spending in line, the budget caps will mean across-the-board cuts in every area except security and education and mandatory programs like health care, Social Security, and Medicare. So when I say "a cap on spending," I mean it.


    The late show!

    "The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry said that a lot of world leaders want him to be the president and the Bush administration said, 'Yeah, well, like who?' and John Kerry said, 'Well, I can't say really.' So, now they're really hammering John Kerry and listen to this, the only name he could come up with? Queen Latifah." —David Letterman

    "There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn

    "John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno

    "Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman

    "Insiders have begun voicing serious concerns about how he's conducting his campaign. One aide told the New York Times that while Bush's message of 'steady leadership' has remained consistent, Kerry has gone through six different messages in the 18 months he's been running, including, at one particularly desperate juncture, 'Kerry: Health care jobs for the troops' environment.'" —Jon Stewart

    "John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." —David Letterman

    "Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn

    "President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" —Jay Leno

    "Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."' —Jay Leno

    "Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn

    "John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man." —Jay Leno

    "I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal." —David Letterman

    "John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." —Craig Kilborn

    "An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

    "Over the weekend, John Kerry — the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on — he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again." —David Letterman

    "The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." —Jay Leno

    "John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" —Jay Leno

    "It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to the exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's going to start f---ing everything that moves." —Bill Maher

    "John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?'" —Craig Kilborn

    "A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away." —Dennis Miller

    "These campaigns are getting so nasty. They are going through people's old taxes, coming up with these old quotes. Today, somebody released footage of John Kerry throwing apples at Dorothy. To me he just looks like the tree from 'The Wizard of Oz.'" —Bill Maher

    "The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'" —Conan O'Brien

    Have a great weekend!!

    I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
    Abraham Lincoln

  2. #2
    Suspended markw's Avatar
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    Dec 2001
    Noo Joisey. Youse got a problem wit dat?

    Birds abd Bees, 21st Century style

    Son says to his father, “Daddy, how was I born?”

    The father replies “Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cybercafé. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for a download, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared.

    And that's the story.

  3. #3
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    How many blonds does it take to wash a car? Three, one on either side of the car holding a sponge and the other driving the car back and forth.

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