Now, Zen....

[Auricauricle]

Thought I would share a post a friend sent me the other day. It's good food for thought (it's luchtime, bear with me!) and contributions and other pearls of wisdom are always welcome....

The Zen of Sarcasm

01. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

03. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted, but at least you've got a job.

05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the windshield; most days you're the bug.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up??

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[ForeverAutumn]

11 made me laugh out loud.

[Auricauricle]

Yeah. Reminded me how many "wise investments" I have made....

...and how broke I am...!

[bobsticks]

11 made me laugh out loud.

I've modified this axiom to work in checkout lines in grocery stores. Everytime I get behind some gassbag arguing over an expired coupon I like to lob some change at 'em. If I'm feeling particularly saucy I'll carefuly fold a dollar into a paper airplane and lob it at their dome.

"eeeewww,eeeeeww...whadya meeeen it's expahryed?!"

"Shutcha pie hole. Here's a dollah. Now beat it before I give a hoodrat fitty ta tapdance onya face..."

[3-LockBox]

"eeeewww,eeeeeww...whadya meeeen it's expahryed?!"


"Shutcha pie hole. Here's a dollah. Now beat it before I give a hoodrat fitty ta tapdance onya face..."

Did the guy in front of you sound like the dude who played the cowardly lion from Wizard Of Oz? And do you sound like Mo Howard?

jes wondern

[Auricauricle]

Been lookin' fer a second-hand hoodrat....Any in the shops yer way?

[bobsticks]

Did the guy in front of you sound like the dude who played the cowardly lion from Wizard Of Oz? And do you sound like Mo Howard?

Most frequently they're women who sound like Edie McClurg...y'know Herb Tarlek's wife...hence the hoodrat. I absolutely won'e ever, under any circumstances, hit a woman...but I'll sho 'nuff pay one to hit another one.

Sad thing is, I had to Google "Mo(e) Howard", so there's a pop culture reference ya slipped by me. And, no, I sound more like Tony Montana on Equipoise.


Aa...they're all secondhand. It's not a term of endearment.

[Auricauricle]

Gotcha....Edie McClurg: Genius. Perfect as Herb Tarlek's ol' lady. No wonder the poor schmo wore plaid! Favorite scene was in "Planes, Trains and Automobiles"

So that's yer voice, eh? As long as we're bragging, I used to do voiceover for Sean Connery (he really sounds like a cross between Gilbert Godfried and Fred Gwynne).