Funniest movie lines.

[Smokey]

Although the described movie scenes are funny, but the quoted lines in those scenes are even more memorable.

Here are few....

Smokey and Bandit:

While Sally Filed was changing her dress in the car with Burt Reynold driving, she asked Burt how does her leg look. Burt said:”Last time I saw legs like that, it had a tag tied to it”.

Odd Couple:

Walt Matheau wanted to invite couple of girls (sisters) over for diner. And since Jack Lemmon just got separated and had emotion ties to his wife, he said he is not ready. So Jack told Walter he will take couple of sleeping pills while his date is here. Walter said: :”why take a pill when you can take a girl”.

City Slickers:

While Billy Crystal was dragged on the ground by the cow he couldn’t rope, he kept saying :”I am on vacation!”

Jurassic Park:

Jeff Goldblum’s wisecrack after being chased in a jeep by a rampaging T-Rex: "Do you think they'll have that on the tour?"

National Lampoon's Vacation:

After confronting the owner of Wally World about why it is closed after driving cross the country, Chevy Chase told him: “How would like to drive all way to Florida for vacationing, and after getting there, find out it is closed”

Silver Streak:

As Richard Pryor was escorting Gene Wilder with the blackface disguise in the train station, and Gene was dancing to the beat of radio in his ear.....

Gene:”I don't think we'll make it past the cops.”
Richard:”We'll make it past the cops. I just hope we don't run into any Muslims brothers.”

[markw]

Uncle Benny in the dentist's chair when the boys are having fun with his accent, saying he sells "flied lice" in his restaurant: "IT'S FRIED RICE, YOU PLICK!"

[ForeverAutumn]

In Pink Cadillac, Bernadette Peters is flashed by a man in a trenchcoat who says something to her along the lines of "what do you think of this?". She responds, "it looks just like a penis, only smaller".

[PeruvianSkies]

HIGH FIDELITY...

Rob: linking both Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel is like supporting both the Israelis and the Palestinians.

Laura: No, it's really not, Rob. You know why? Because Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel make pop records.

Rob: Made. Made. Marvin Gaye is dead. His father shot him.

SCHOOL FOR SCOUNDRELS...

Dr. P: How many of you have self-help books? Okay that's your first problem. You can't help yourself, because your self sucks!

CHRISTMAS VACATION...

Clark: If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey **** he is. Hallelujah. Holy ****. Where's the Tylenol?

ANIMAL HOUSE

Bluto: See if you can guess what I am now.
[puts mashed potatoes in his mouth, chews it, hits his cheeks with his fists and spits it out]
Bluto: I'm a zit. Get

ANALYSE THIS

Dr. Ben Sobel: Let me get this straight: you flew all the way down to Miami and kidnapped me from my hotel room in the middle of the night just because you couldn't get an erection?
Boss Paul Vitti: Don't that prove I'm motivated?
Dr. Ben Sobel: You know, you can take a pill for that.
Boss Paul Vitti: Nah, you start with the pills, the next thing you know you're putting in hydraulics. A hard-on should be achieved legitimately or it shouldn't be achieved at all.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Hmm, I think Mark Twain said that, didn't he?

ACE VENTURA

Melissa: Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.
Ace Ventura: Pleasure to meet you.
Melissa: Did you have any trouble getting in?
Ace Ventura: No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle

THE BIG LEBOWSKI

Malibu Police Chief: Mr. Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town. You don't draw sh*t, Lebowski. Now we got a nice, quiet little beach community here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something plain. I don't like you sucking around, bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?
The Dude: [after a pause] I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

[Smokey]

Funny quotes guys. They seem to even get funnier when delieverd on screen in the comedy situations.

Like the line in Rush Hour by Chris Tucker:

Don't never touch a black man radio. You can do that in China, but you get killed out here.

And when in China in RH2, Jackie ran the same line in opposite

[PeruvianSkies]

Funny quotes guys. They seem to even get funnier when delieverd on screen in the comedy situations.

Like the line in Rush Hour by Chris Tucker:

Don't never touch a black man radio. You can do that in China, but you get killed out here.

And when in China in RH2, Jackie ran the same line in opposite

I tend to find myself laughing at the more subtle jokes in movies that go-over alot of peoples heads. I suppose I read-into more stuff, but that's ok. Movies like SUNSET BLVD are humorous to me for some of the in-jokes about the movie industry, same with BOWFINGER, so here's a line from that film:

Robert K. Bowfinger: Do you have any experience in motion pictures?

Jiff Ramsey: Uh, well, yeah, quite a bit, actually, I have quite a bit of experience. I'm an active, uh, renter at Blockbuster, and I, um, attend the filmed cinema, uh, as much as possible, weekly, bi-weekly, inter-week-... intermediately.

Robert K. Bowfinger: Would you be willing to cut your hair?

Jiff Ramsey: [sighs] Oh, yes, but, uh, it's usually better if someone else does it. I've had a few... accidents.

[Worf101]

Being an ex-service (Army) man I often find humor in the lines that flow from the mouths of Drill Sergeants or Drill Instructors as they're called in the Marines. They are the most profane, foul mouthed despicable individuals God in his/her infinate wisdom ever placed on this earth but they are also essential. All free nations need "bright legions" and these men and women take civilians and turn them into soldiers. The best of these movies was Kubrick's "Full Metal Jacket". The first half of the movie is so true to boot camp I can't watch it without squirming in my seat, but the lines... ahh those are friggin' priceless!

JOKER
(whispering)
Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?

HARTMAN
Who said that? Who the f**k said that? Who's
the slimy little communist s**t twinkle-toed c**ksucker down here, who just signed his own death warrant?
Nobody, huh?! The fairy f**king godmother said it! Out-f**king-standing! I will P.T. you all until you f**king die!
I'll P.T. you until your *******s are sucking buttermilk.

__________________________________________________ ___

HARTMAN

Tonight ... you pukes will sleep with your rifles! You will give your rifle a girl's name! Because this is the only pussy you people are
going to get! Your days of finger-banging old Mary Jane Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over! You're married to this
piece, this weapon of iron and wood! And you will be faithful!

Port ... hut! Prepare to Mount...

MOUNT!
__________________________________________________ ___

HARTMAN
Quickly! Get your fat ass over there, Private Pyle! Oh, that's right, Private Pyle ... don't make any ****ing effort to get to the top of
the f**king obstacle!
If God wanted you up there He would have miracled your ass up
there by now, wouldn't He?

PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!


HARTMAN
Get your fat ass up there, Pyle!

PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN
What the hell is the matter with you anyway?
I'll bet you if there was some pussy up there on top of that obstacle you could get up there!
Couldn't you?!

PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!

__________________________________________________ _____

PYLE climbs a high obstacle.


HARTMAN
Get up here, fatboy! Quickly! Move it up! Move it up, Pyle! Move it up! You climb obstacles like old people f**k. Do you know that, Private Pyle?

Get up here! You're too slow! Move it, move it! Private Pyle, what-
ever you do, don't fall down! That would break my f**king heart! Quickly!

PYLE freezes at the top.

HARTMAN
Up and over! Up and over! Well, what in the **** are you waiting for, Private Pyle?
Get up and over! Move it, move it, move it! Are you quitting on me? Well, are you!
Then quit you slimy f**king walrus-looking piece of sh*t! Get the f**k off my obstacle! Get the f**k down off of my obstacle! Now!

PYLE climbs
back down his side of the obstacle.

HARTMAN
Move it! I'm gonna rip your balls off so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle, if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo!
__________________________________________________ _____

HARTMAN
I want that head so sanitary and squared away that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in there and take a dump!

JOKER & COWBOY
(in unison)
Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN
Private Joker, do you believe in the Virgin Mary?

JOKER
Sir, no, sir!

HARTMAN throws down the garbage can with a loud
bang.

HARTMAN
Private Joker, I don't believe I heard you correctly!

JOKER
Sir, the private said "No, sir," sir!

HARTMAN
Why, you little maggot! You make me want to
vomit!

HARTMAN slaps JOKER, hard, across the cheek.

HARTMAN
You goddam communist heathen, you had best
sound off that you love the Virgin Mary . . . or
I'm gonna stomp your guts out! Now you do love
the Virgin Mary, don't you?!

JOKER
Sir, negative,
sir!!

HARTMAN
Private Joker, are you trying to offend
me?!
__________________________________________________ _____

HARTMAN

What is this Mickey Mouse s**t? What in the name of Jesus H. Christ
are you animals doing in my head?

(to JOKER)
Why is Private Pyle out of his bunk after lights out?!
Why is Private Pyle holding that weapon? Why aren't you stomping Private Pyle's guts out?

JOKER
Sir, it is the private's duty to inform the Senior Drill Instructor that Private Pyie has a full magazine and has locked and loaded, sir

__________________________________________________ _______
JOKER
I want to slip my tubesteak into your sister.
What'll you take in trade?

COWBOY
What have you got?


Ah what memories!!!

Da Worfster

[Smokey]

What is this Worf? Quoting funny lines from a movie, or walking down the memory lane

I really liked that movie, but only the first half of movie in the training camp. The movie seem to lose momentum once they are in Vietnam. I wished the latter part was as aggressive as the first part.

But nevertheless, the line from Hartman “I want that head so sanitary and squared away that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in there and take a dump!” is a memorable one.

[PeruvianSkies]

What is this Worf? Quoting funny lines from a movie, or walking down the memory lane

I really liked that movie, but only the first half of movie in the training camp. The movie seem to lose momentum once they are in Vietnam. I wished the latter part was as aggressive as the first part.

But nevertheless, the line from Hartman “I want that head so sanitary and squared away that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in there and take a dump!” is a memorable one.

One of the most common criticisms of FULL METAL JACKET is that the first half doesn't seem to match up with the second half of the film, but I feel a bit different about it. First, Stanley Kubrick's approach is different than what had been done before by ...oh let's say Coppola's APOCALYPSE NOW or Cimino's THE DEER HUNTER. Instead Kubrick wanted to make a film that was realistic, yet artistic in it's depiction of war, even the horrific and beautiful moments.

The first half of the film is certainly more memorable as we are taken into the world of boot camp. It's rough, gritty, dirty, and real. We are (as the camera moves suggest) almost witnessing the action as if WE are there with those guys. We watch with shock, we laugh at times, and are scared at times as to what happens or will happen next.

Then we transition into the actual war part of the film, which is slower in pace than most war films are. It's not about the confrontation of war, but the patience of war, or as some have put it...the FOG of war. In many ways the second part of the film reminds me of Peter Davis' HEARTS AND MINDS (1974), which to this day is probably the most profound documentary made on War, especially Vietnam.

The fact that the second part of FULL METAL JACKET is not as aggressive as the first part, or as aggressive as other war films is, to me at least, what distinguishes it apart from the rest as a film that dares to be different, perhaps more realistic at the nature of war, and also manages to be both beautiful and horrorible at the same time.

[SlumpBuster]

Not a line per se, but one of the funniest scenes in movie history is Peter Boyle as Frankenstein's monster in Young Frankenstein singing "Puttin' on the Ritz."

[JoeMc]

Bill Fields in a bar asks the bartender (Shemp Howard).

Bill "Was I in here last night, and did I spend a twenty dollar bill?"
Shemp replies "Yeah"
Bill "Phew, I thought I lost it."

[topspeed]

Real Genius - (The whole movie is one liners, but here are some of my faves)

Prof. Hathaway: "You still run?"
Knight: "Only when chased."

Hathaway: "I'd like see more of you in the lab."
Knight: "Fine. I'll gain weight."

Knight: "I'm sorry I didn't get to know you. If there's ever anything I can do for you...or more to the point, to you...let me know."
Susan: "Can you hammer a six inch spike through a board with your penis?"
Knight: "Not right now."
Susan: "A girl's gotta have her standards."


Analyze This - The scene where Vitti is explaining his mistress to Sobel.
Vitti: "She does things my wife...doesn't."
Sobel: "Why can't you have your wife do it?"
Vitti: "HEY!!! She kisses my kids with that mouth!"


Wedding Crasher - This scene is too long to type out, so just watch the classic "Motorboat" clip:
http://www.buzzhumor.com/videos/5303...hers_Motorboat

[PeruvianSkies]

Real Genius - (The whole movie is one liners, but here are some of my faves)

Prof. Hathaway: "You still run?"
Knight: "Only when chased."

Hathaway: "I'd like see more of you in the lab."
Knight: "Fine. I'll gain weight."

Knight: "I'm sorry I didn't get to know you. If there's ever anything I can do for you...or more to the point, to you...let me know."
Susan: "Can you hammer a six inch spike through a board with your penis?"
Knight: "Not right now."
Susan: "A girl's gotta have her standards."


Analyze This - The scene where Vitti is explaining his mistress to Sobel.
Vitti: "She does things my wife...doesn't."
Sobel: "Why can't you have your wife do it?"
Vitti: "HEY!!! She kisses my kids with that mouth!"


Wedding Crasher - This scene is too long to type out, so just watch the classic "Motorboat" clip:
http://www.buzzhumor.com/videos/5303...hers_Motorboat

Thanks Topspeed for those great reminders from REAL GENIUS...one of my all time favorite movies...it's just brilliant. I LOVE TOXIC WASTE. What a great commentary on the Reagan administration...and the opening credits are just masterful...

[Smokey]

PeruvianSkies

Although I haven’t seen that movie in a long time (not a big fan of war movies), but as I
remember the second half didn’t have interesting characters as it did in the first half. The lead actor worked just fine between rough and tough sergeant and bubbling Pyle, but it didn’t work so well once those two characters were gone.

If Kubrick would have carried over the Sergeant and Pyle to second half also, it would have been interesting to watch as the second half didn’t have any attention grabbing characters. so whatever massage Kubrick was trying to get cross in the second part, wasn’t so effective.

By the way, did that movie contain any funny lines. Worf already mentioned all of the cussing lines

And thanks Slumbuster, JoeMc and Topspeed for the giggles

[PeruvianSkies]

PeruvianSkies

Although I haven’t seen that movie in a long time (not a big fan of war movies), but as I
remember the second half didn’t have interesting characters as it did in the first half. The lead actor worked just fine between rough and tough sergeant and bubbling Pyle, but it didn’t work so well once those two characters were gone.

If Kubrick would have carried over the Sergeant and Pyle to second half also, it would have been interesting to watch as the second half didn’t have any attention grabbing characters. so whatever massage Kubrick was trying to get cross in the second part, wasn’t so effective.

By the way, did that movie contain any funny lines. Worf already mentioned all of the cussing lines

And thanks Slumbuster, JoeMc and Topspeed for the giggles

Well, I am sure that the Sgt. and Pyle would have loved to be in the second half of the film, but just a minor problem. Sgt. has a rifleshot to the chest cavity at point blank range to deal with and Pyle has half of his brains and head on the bathroom wall.

[GMichael]

Well, I am sure that the Sgt. and Pyle would have loved to be in the second half of the film, but just a minor problem. Sgt. has a rifleshot to the chest cavity at point blank range to deal with and Pyle has half of his brains and head on the bathroom wall.

And that ended the best part of the movie. The rest was not as entertaining. Not bad, but not as good IMO.
But let's get back to the jokes. Here's one that needs no supporting information, even if it was from a chick-flick.

"I'll have what she's having."

[Rich-n-Texas]

That whole scene in the cockpit where they're all communicating to each other. (I don't remember line-by-line but you'll get the idea.)

Roger... Ober... Huh? Who? What's your vector Victor?

[GMichael]

That whole scene in the cockpit where they're all communicating to each other. (I don't remember line-by-line but you'll get the idea.)

Roger... Ober... Huh? Who? What's your vector Victor?

No! I can't land this plane. AND STOP CALLING ME SHIRLEY!

[Resident Loser]

...[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors with IMMENSE metal door knockers; Igor bangs the door knockers loudly]

Dr. Frankenstein: What knockers!

Inga: [blushing, smiling shyly] Oh! Thank you, doctor!

jimHJJ(...round up the usual suspects...)

[eisforelectronic]

Wedding Crashers, in the beginning - "You shut your mouth when You're talking to me"

[Worf101]

Here's some more I just love.

"The Thing" (1951)
"Did you get your picture Scotty?"
"No the door wasn't open long enough and you were in the way."
"Want me to open the door again?"
"NO!!"

"About A Boy" (Hugh Grant at his finest)
(The kid seemed to think this was a date. As for his mum, she was clearly insane...
...and appeared to be wearing some kind of Yeti costume)

"Independence Day"
"I could'a been at a barbecue!!!!"

"They're shooting at us!"
"D' oh you think?"

"48 Hours"
"I've been in prison for 4 years, my dick get's hard if the wind blows."


Da Worfster

[kexodusc]

Wow Worf thanks for the trip down memory lane.

Last time this site had a favorite quotes thread I posted many of the same from Full Metal Jacket...
My personal fav remains:
Hartman: "Private Pyle I'm gonna give you three seconds; exactly three-****ing-seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-**** you! "

[kexodusc]

Okay, I'll go:


Spaceballs:
Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet
_________________________________________
Lone Starr: A million? That's unfair.
Pizza the Hutt: Unfair to payor but not to payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else!
Barf: Or else what?
Pizza the Hutt: Tell him, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Or else pizza is gonna send out for *you*!
_________________________________________

Dark Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
_________________________________________

Dark Helmet: You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Let's see how well you handle it.

[Kam]

some of my favs up there, but i'll mention the one that almost everyone misses...

Shawshank Redemption - when the fatman is crying that first night in prison and Hadley comes down to beat the crap out of him, when he's yelling at him through the bars, before he pulls him out, from the peanut gallery comes the best response...

Fatman: I'm not supposed to be here!
Inmate: Me either! You run this place like a prison!

cracks me up everytime...

[PeruvianSkies]

And that ended the best part of the movie. The rest was not as entertaining. Not bad, but not as good IMO.
But let's get back to the jokes. Here's one that needs no supporting information, even if it was from a chick-flick.

"I'll have what she's having."

It's not really an entertaining type of film. Most are "entertained" during the first half only because they are not really there in person. Otherwise that scene (if you were one of the soldiers) would have a completely different tone. Just like war. It's kinda sad that this film has been boiled down to a film about one-liners. What's next...putting it in the comedy section of the local movie rental place? It's become a sound-byte and I try to see this film for both halves, not just a humorous realistic boot camp experience.

Then again, that's just me and I realize that I probably take film more seriously than most.