This place need life. Joke time!

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex? The girl in my trunk.

Hey, it's a joke. Don't get your panties in a wad.

Swish

Did you make that up yourself, or is it one of Bill Clinton's?

Hmmm. Sounds more like emenem to me.

Two rednecks are walking in the woods and see this big hole in the ground. One tosses a stone in to see how deep it is but they don't hear it land. "That must be really deep" says one of them. "Throw in something bigger". He sees an old transmission nearby and throws it in, then all of a sudden, a goat runs out and jumps into the hole. A farmer appears and asks if they've seen a goat. "Yeah, it just ran by us and jumped in that big hole". The farmer says "that's impossible, I had it chained to an old transmission".

Swish

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

One Saturday night two good old boys were driving around the country side, drinking beers and looking for fun. All of a sudden the driver sees a sheep with her head stuck in the fence. He whips the truck off the road and parks it.

He says to his buddy "I am going to get some of that". He jumps out of the truck, runs down the hill and starts giving the sheep his all.

After a minute or two he shouts up to his buddy "hey you want some of this"?

His buddy hollars "hell yes". He jumps out of the truck runs down the hill and sticks his head in the fence.

Lawyer riding in the back of a limo rolling through the suburbs. Sees what looks like people in a yard eating the grass. He tells the driver to pull over, gets out and asks one man what he's doing. "Eating grass". The lawyer asks why and the man says "We're poor and are forced to eat grass to sustain ourselves'. The lawyer says 'Get in my car. I'll take you back to my house and feed you". The man is ecstatic and asks if his friends can come along and the lawyer says "Yes, I can fit all of you in the limo', so they pile in and head toward his house.

As they're making their way down the street, the lawyer says to them 'You're really going to like it at my house", and one of them asks "Oh yeah?". And the lawyer reples, 'Yes you will. My grass is nearly a foot high".

Swish

I'm hangin' out with Charlie Manson the other night, spinnin' some tunes.
He says, man, I HATE Miles Davis!
I say, What? You're crazy.

A man and his wife go to the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary. As the couple is reflecting on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?” The husband replies, “All I wanted to do was f*ck your brains out and suck your tits dry.” “What are you thinking now?” the wife asks as she undresses. The husband quickly replies: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”

A hick gets hitched and takes his new wife to a hotel. As he's climbing into bed, she says, "go easy on me. It's my first time." What?! he yells. You mean, you're one them there virgin types? She says, yes. He pulls up his pants and runs out of the room, gets in his truck and drives home. When he gets there, his mom asks him what he's doin' home instead of doin' his wife. He tells her the story. She yells, "What?! A virgin?" "Well, you did the right thing son." "If she aint goon enough for her family then she sure as h'll aint good enough for ours."

If you get divorced in Georgia, is she still your sister????

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Finch Platte

A man and his wife go to the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary. As the couple is reflecting on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?” The husband replies, “All I wanted to do was f*ck your brains out and suck your tits dry.” “What are you thinking now?” the wife asks as she undresses. The husband quickly replies: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”

---

...and that's really old.

Swish

Quote:

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Originally Posted by GMichael

A hick gets hitched and takes his new wife to a hotel. As he's climbing into bed, she says, "go easy on me. It's my first time." What?! he yells. You mean, you're one them there virgin types? She says, yes. He pulls up his pants and runs out of the room, gets in his truck and drives home. When he gets there, his mom asks him what he's doin' home instead of doin' his wife. He tells her the story. She yells, "What?! A virgin?" "Well, you did the right thing son." "If she aint goon enough for her family then she sure as h'll aint good enough for ours."

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But keep them coming. I think Don Rickles told this one back in '71. Doh!

Swish

...'member awhile back when y'all went to Toronto and posted pics?

You remind me of Al Gore. :cornut:

Here's one for youz guys

An Englishman and a Irishman are driving head on at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.

In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irishman goes to the boot and fetches a bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims," May the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.

Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irishman, whom replies, "No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here."

Ok, ok...

Three ducks walk into a bar.

...which is kind of funny because you would think that the second two would've seen it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by noddin0ff

...which is kind of funny because you would think that the second two would've seen it.

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I had to think about that one. That's funny. :lol:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bobsticks

...'member awhile back when y'all went to Toronto and posted pics?

You remind me of Al Gore. :cornut:

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First of all, I can't stand Al Gore. Secondly, I don't look anything like him and have never been told that I look like him.

:incazzato: :incazzato:

Swish - fiscal conservative

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ForeverAutumn

I had to think about that one. That's funny. :lol:

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....a preacher, a rabbi and a priest walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What's this, some kind of joke?".

Swish

Quote:

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Originally Posted by O'Shag

Here's one for youz guys

An Englishman and a Irishman are driving head on at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.

In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irishman goes to the boot and fetches a bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims," May the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony." The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.

Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irishman, whom replies, "No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here."

---

...Scottish sheepherder? The Rolling Stones sang 'Hey you get off of my cloud' while the Scottish sheepherder sings 'Hey McCloud get off of my ewe'.

Swish

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really
sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That
makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."

Boston police today reported finding a body in the Charles River. He was described as wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink wig, a Patriot`s jersey, and had a cucumber stuffed up his !@*. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption. The police graciously removed the Patriot`s jersey to spare the family unnecessary embarrassment.

A radio station in the Boston area has a few pics on their website.:17:

And they say that NY fans are tough on their teams.

So Mr. Forskin calls his good friend Mr. Penis on the phone. Suddenly in the middle of the converstation the line goes dead. Mr. Penis calls Mr. Forskin, and demands to know why he was so rude to hang up on him. Mr. Forskin says "I didn't hang up on you, I got cut off".