The Official Friday Morning Silliness Thread

[Slosh]

After every flight Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheet before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Maintenance: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.

Believe it or not Quantas is the only major airline without an accident

[markw]

An English explorer decided to explore the mountains of Africa. Before his team went into the jungle, the guide told them about the Yeti.

"You must never go near the Yeti," he told them. "It is a very mean creature, but there is one thing worse then meeting a Yeti, and that is to touch it. For if you touch a Yeti, it will chase you to the ends of the earth and it will not stop until it catches you."

With that warning, the guide led them into the jungle. When it was too dark to go any farther, they made their camp, had dinner, and went to sleep.

In the middle of the night our English explorer (we'll call him Throckmorton) heard something outside his tent. He peeked out of his sleeping bag and saw something horrible. It was the silhouette of the Yeti! And it was coming straight toward his tent! Throckmorton was frozen to the spot as the shape started to unzip the tent.

He panicked and did something very stupid. He ran straight out the door of the tent, and in doing so CRASHED INTO THE YETI.

It screeched and followed Throckmorton as he ran down the mountain. Throckmorton jumped into a car and drove to the nearest airport, charged at the closest plane heading for England, and went home.

Two weeks after the adventure in Africa, Throckmorton was out for an early-morning walk when he saw the Yeti coming up the road! He took off in the other direction, grabbed a bicycle, and rode away as fast as he could go. He came to a car rental place and rented one, and took off again. After he had gone a hundred miles or so he stopped to look behind him. There was the Yeti, still following him!

Throckmorton drove as fast as he could until he came to an airport. He hopped on the first plane leaving. It happened to be going to Ireland. He got to Ireland, hopped on another bike, and rode until the handlebars fell off. He stopped to look behind him and saw… the Yeti. It was STILL following him!

Throckmorton broke out in a run. He ran until the sweat was pouring off him. He ran straight out onto the moor. He ran until he was so pooped he couldn't move. He looked to see if the Yeti was still following him.

...It was.

There was nowhere to go so Throckmorton just stood there. He made up his mind to give up. He turned and faced the Yeti bravely.

The Yeti stopped right in front of him and grinned. It reached out its hairy arm and poked Throckmorton in the chest.

"TAG! YOU'RE IT!" it shouted, and ran off in the other direction.

[-Jar-]

great joke w/ the Yeti, though when I first heard this joke back in 1988 (I remember because It was told at a Frat party I attended my first month on campus) the subject was a purple gorilla.

[Davey]

A man went into a drugstore looking for condoms. Unfortunately he didn't know what size to get. The pharmacist asks him, 'Would you like to find what size you are, Sir?'

The guy agrees and the pharmacist leads him into a room with a board. The board has many differently-sized holes in it. The pharmacist leaves, allowing the guy some privacy to match up his sausage with the right hole.

Three hours have gone by and the pharmacist wonders what is taking so long. So, he knocks on the door and sees if the guy is alright. The guy says, "Forget the condoms, I think I'll take the board."

[markw]

great joke w/ the Yeti, though when I first heard this joke back in 1988 (I remember because It was told at a Frat party I attended my first month on campus) the subject was a purple gorilla.

Everyone knows there's no such thing as a purple gorillia.

Most jokes do get recycled. Actually, if you heard this at a frat party and can remember it, you were doing something wrong back there. Senator Blutowski wants to hear from you.

[Dusty Chalk]

After every flight Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheet before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Maintenance: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.

Believe it or not Quantas is the only major airline without an accident

Thanks for posting this. I got a good hearty laugh out of it.

[Swish]

A man went into a drugstore looking for condoms. Unfortunately he didn't know what size to get. The pharmacist asks him, 'Would you like to find what size you are, Sir?'

The guy agrees and the pharmacist leads him into a room with a board. The board has many differently-sized holes in it. The pharmacist leaves, allowing the guy some privacy to match up his sausage with the right hole.

Three hours have gone by and the pharmacist wonders what is taking so long. So, he knocks on the door and sees if the guy is alright. The guy says, "Forget the condoms, I think I'll take the board."

A guy was in a long line at the grocery store and realized he forgot to buy a box of condoms. When he go to the checkout, he noticed the girl at the register was quite attractive, and despite his embarrasment, he told her he was in a hurry and didn't want to get back in line, but he had forgotten to pick up a box of condoms and could she please have someone pick up a box. She asked him what size he needed, but he didn't know, so she reached out and gave him a squeeze, then said over the PA "box of large condoms to register six". The condoms were brought up to the register by an employee and off he went.

Another guy further back in line saw all of this andfigured he'd do the same thing and have this lovely lass fondle him. After telling her he'd forgotten condoms, she also gave him a quick squeeze and then said over the PA system "box of medium condoms to register six". They, too, were brought to the register and off he went with a smile on his face.

A much younger lad further back in line saw this and figured he would do the same thing. The checkout girl was a real hottie and he'd never been touched there by a girl, so it was worth a shot!. He finally got to the register and told her he had forgotten to buy condoms, so she reached over, gave him a squeeze and said in the PA system "clean up at register six".

Doh

Swish