THE YEAR ' S BEST (actual) HEADLINES
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
(You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
(No, really?)
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
(Now that's taking things a bit far!)
Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
(What a guy!)
Miners Refuse to Work
after Death
(Those good-for-nothing ' lazy so-and-sos!)
Juvenile Court to Try
Shooting Defendant
(See if that works any better than a fair trial!)
War Dims Hope for Peace
(I can see where it might have that effect!)
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
(Ya think?!)
Cold Wave Linked to
Temperatures
(Who would have thought!)
EnfieldCouple Slain;
PoliceSuspect Homicide
(They may be on to something!)
Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces BatteryCharge
(He probably IS the battery charge!)
New Study of Obesity Looks for
Larger Test Group
(Weren't they fat enough?!)
Astronaut Takes Blame for
Gas in Spacecraft
(That's what he gets for eating those beans!)
(Who else could it have been?)
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
(Do they taste like chicken?)
Local High SchoolDropouts Cut in Half
(Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)
Hospitals are Sued by
7 Foot Doctors
(Boy, are they tall!)
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
(Did I read that right?)