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  1. #1
    One of Jerry's Kids Jim Eck's Avatar
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    The really bad joke department

    Two antennas fell in love and decided to get marrried. On the day of the marriage the marriage ceremony went fine, but the reception was poor.

    Thank you, I'll be here all week.


    Jim
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  2. #2
    Musicaholic Forums Moderator ForeverAutumn's Avatar
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    LMAO! Sometimes the funniest jokes are the simple ones. I'm making that my Facebook status.

    It'll be fun to see how many of my friends don't get it.

  3. #3
    stuck on vintage dingus's Avatar
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    two peanuts were mugged on the street. one was assaulted......
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  4. #4
    Man of the People Forums Moderator bobsticks's Avatar
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    We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on
    a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put
    the cat in the backyard.

    We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
    The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

    The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.. We didn't want
    the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

    My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The
    cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

    Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that
    the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver
    that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

    A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we
    drove away. 'That stupid witch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with
    a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her
    by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching
    me.
    But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back
    yard!' .......................

    The cab driver hit a parked car.
    So, I broke into the palace
    With a sponge and a rusty spanner
    She said : "Eh, I know you, and you cannot sing"
    I said : "That's nothing - you should hear me play piano"

  5. #5
    Forum Regular luvtolisten's Avatar
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    What did the farmer say after the steamroller ran over his cat?

    Nothing...he just stood there with a long puss.

  6. #6
    One of Jerry's Kids Jim Eck's Avatar
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    An accident victim woke up in the hospital after a terrible accident.

    His attending physician was present and he turned to the Doctorr and said, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs."

    The Doctor responded "that is because we had to cut off your arms."

    Jim
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  7. #7
    Musicaholic Forums Moderator ForeverAutumn's Avatar
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    Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

    Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

    He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

    Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

    Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

    He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

    Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks !!!

    Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

    They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

    The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

    At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'

    Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

  8. #8
    Romanticist Philosopher
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    Smile French War Muskets For Sale

    Never been used.

  9. #9
    Forum Regular luvtolisten's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ForeverAutumn
    Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

    Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

    He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

    Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

    Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

    He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

    Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks !!!

    Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

    They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

    The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

    At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'

    Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

  10. #10
    Forum Regular luvtolisten's Avatar
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    A man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."


    She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


    He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

  11. #11
    Forum Regular
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    lol

    and this one:
    A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. " Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.

  12. #12
    stuck on vintage dingus's Avatar
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    a middle-aged married couple were hiking up a canyon trail and the wife needed to relieve herself. with the canyon wall on one side and open space above a river on the other, the wife asked the husband how she could do the job without leaving a puddle on the trail for any followers to see. seeing a branch from an overhanging tree, the husband replied,

    "hold on to that branch, stick your tail out and aim for the water."

    the wife got into position but held back when she looked down at the water between her legs.

    "honey, i cant. there's a canoe down there."

    peering down the husband reassured her,

    "go ahead dear, its just your reflection."
    AR MGC-1, AR C225 PS, M&K V-1B, Pioneer VSX 47TX, Oppo BDP-83, Squeezebox v3, Vortexbox Appliance.

  13. #13
    One of Jerry's Kids Jim Eck's Avatar
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    If they built a Stop n Go convenience store in the middle of a cemetary would they call it a Stop n Stay?

    Jim
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  14. #14
    stuck on vintage dingus's Avatar
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    a man walks into a bar and orders a shot of Johnny Walker Red. upon being served he takes a sip and complains to the bartender that what he has is Jim Beam and that he ordered Johnny Walker Red. the bartender tells the man that he's impressed that he can tell the difference and pours a new shot. the man takes a sip and complains that the new shot is Johnny Walker Black not Red. Smiling, the bartender serves up another shot which the man sips and immediately spits out exclaiming "this is piss!!!", at which the bartender quips, "yeah, but who's?".
    AR MGC-1, AR C225 PS, M&K V-1B, Pioneer VSX 47TX, Oppo BDP-83, Squeezebox v3, Vortexbox Appliance.

  15. #15
    Forum Regular
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    How many Clemson grads does it take to eat a possom? three
    one to eat the possom and two to watch for cars

  16. #16
    stuck on vintage dingus's Avatar
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    if a couple from Washington State University get married, are they still brother and sister?
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  17. #17
    Forum Regular winston's Avatar
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    I'm sure y'all get this one before!!

    A woman is brought to court after stealing in a supermarket. "Mrs. Krupnick," says the judge,
    "what did you take?" "just a small can of peaches," she answers. "there were only six peaches in the can.".... "six peaches ... hmm ... I sentence you to six nights in jail, a night for each peach."
    the woman is crushed. she's about to collapse to floor when her husband seated in the gallery, leaps to his feet.... "your Honor," he shouts, "she also stole a can of peas!,
    Chet Baker-Trumpet
    Pepper Adams-Baritone Sax
    Herbie Mann-Flute
    Bill Evans-Piano
    Paul Chambers-Bass & Connie Kay-Drums
    (....ALONE TOGETHER....) DEC. 30 1958
    produced by...Orrin Keepnews...

  18. #18
    I put the Gee in Gear.... thekid's Avatar
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    A blonde walks into a bar -the brunette ducked......
    NAD D3020
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  19. #19
    One of Jerry's Kids Jim Eck's Avatar
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    Amish Elevator
    An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

    The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

    While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

    The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

    The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
    Fairchild 412-1B SME arm Pickering XSV-3000
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  20. #20
    Forum Regular Florian's Avatar
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    There is a cosmonaut (russian) and an astronaut (american) in a bar.
    The cosmonaut says: "We where the first people in outer space"
    The astronaut says: "But we where the first people on the moon"
    The cosmonaut says: "We are going to be the first people on the sun"
    The astronaut says: "How are you going to do that?"
    The cosmonaut says: ..............."We will go by night"

    -Courtesy of David Cross
    Lots of music but not enough time for it all

  21. #21
    One of Jerry's Kids Jim Eck's Avatar
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    Larry Is In The Hospital

    Who in the hell is Larry?

    Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says

    "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies

    "I was out getting a tattoo!"

    "A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

    "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

    "What the hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust.

    "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

    "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my

    money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going

    out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks

    anytime you want."

    Larry is in the Hospital, room 233.


    Jim
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  22. #22
    Suspended markw's Avatar
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    8 1/2 months pregnant lady has an accident.

    No major physical damage but she banged her head pretty bad and she's in a coma for three months.

    She wakes up, does the what happened, where am I thing and they tell her she's been in a coma for 3 1/2 months.

    She then reaches doen, feels her stomach and screams " MY BABY!!! WHAT HAPPENED TT MY BABY???"

    Doctor says "They're fine. We delivered them when they brought you in. Your brother is taking care of them."

    "They" "Yes, you had twins - a beautiful, healthy, boy and girl

    She says "He's an idiot but since you say they are fine, that's great. When can I name them?"

    Doc says "Well, we needed to put something on the birth certificate so we had your brother name them"

    She's thinking "this can't be good" but asks "Well, what did he name the girl?

    Doc says "Denise".

    Se thinks "Not too bad'. She then asks "What did he name the boy?"

    Doc says "De nephew"

  23. #23
    Sgt. At Arms Worf101's Avatar
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    Okay everyone out with your hands up!!!

    Okay everyone line up against the wall, you're all under arrest!!!

    Violations of section 2133 of the Penal Code:
    Public utterance of turrible jokes.

    Additional violations of section 666 covering Public Punage is all pending...

    Your're all gonna do hard time for this!!!

    Worf

  24. #24
    Class of the clown GMichael's Avatar
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    How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?





    Two, but the hard part is getting them in there.
    WARNING! - The Surgeon General has determined that, time spent listening to music is not deducted from one's lifespan.

  25. #25
    stuck on vintage dingus's Avatar
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    whats the weather like in Mexico?

    chili today, hot tamale.
    (my daughters favorite since she was a little kid...)
    AR MGC-1, AR C225 PS, M&K V-1B, Pioneer VSX 47TX, Oppo BDP-83, Squeezebox v3, Vortexbox Appliance.

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