----- In Honor of Stupid People . . .

[dean_martin]

I'm sorry Dean, but I don't see anything funny in your post. That will cost you.

Yeah, I know. I regret putting a damper on this lighthearted thread. I know JohnMichael didn't mean anything personal - how could he? I didn't want to come across as being offended because I wasn't.

Anyhow, I used to have a collection of photographs of unsafe work conditions that were hilarious. (I think I lost them in a computer crash.) If I can track them down I will post them. I remember one that showed a construction worker working on lighting over an indoor pool. The lights were on, he was on an aluminum ladder and the ladder was in the pool which of course was filled with water. I'm sure I know someone who has a collection of stupid warnings. Maybe I can add to rather than detract from this thread.

[GMichael]

Yeah, I know. I regret putting a damper on this lighthearted thread. I know JohnMichael didn't mean anything personal - how could he? I didn't want to come across as being offended because I wasn't.

Anyhow, I used to have a collection of photographs of unsafe work conditions that were hilarious. (I think I lost them in a computer crash.) If I can track them down I will post them. I remember one that showed a construction worker working on lighting over an indoor pool. The lights were on, he was on an aluminum ladder and the ladder was in the pool which of course was filled with water. I'm sure I know someone who has a collection of stupid warnings. Maybe I can add to rather than detract from this thread.

You never detract from a conversation Dean.

I remember seeing an email about 6 years ago that had a bunch of descriptions from real insurance reports. It was great. It's long gone from my joke list now but I still remember a few.

"The tree kept moving. I had to swerve several times before I finally hit it."
"I pulled into a driveway that wasn't mine and hit a tree that wasn't there."
"This blue car appeared out of nowhere, hit me, then disappeared."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced gentleman, as he bounced off my windshield."

[GMichael]

We can't leave the Darwin Awards off this thread. Here's one to start.

Failed Frame-Up
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(19 March 2005, Michigan) "Unusual" and "complicated" is how the Missaukee County sheriff described the mysterious death of 19-year-old Christopher, who called 911 at 1:22am and calmly informed the police dispatcher that his neighbor had stabbed him. Suddenly he began screaming and begging for help. A woman was heard shouting in the background, "Why did you do this?" Deputies arrived quickly, only to find that Christopher had bled to death from stab wounds to his chest.
After an evening spent imbibing large quantities of alcohol, Christopher noticed a shortage in his liquor supply that could not be attributed to his own depredations. He concluded that his neighbor had stolen a bottle of booze! He menaced said neighbor with a knife, to no avail, whereupon he retired to his own apartment to brood about revenge.

Finally he figured out the perfect way to get back at that conniving bottle-thief: he would stab himself and blame the neighbor!

A witness saw Christopher enter the bathroom while he called police. When he emerged from the bathroom, he looked perfectly fine, but a moment later he began screaming as gouts of blood spewed from his chest. He ran to the door of the apartment, and collapsed.

The evidence pointed to self-inflicted wounds. Deputies found the knife that killed him in the kitchen, and an autopsy concluded that he had stabbed himself in the chest twice. The first wound may not have looked dangerous enough to him, so he took the knife and tried again, this time plunging it into his left ventricle. This wound was plenty dangerous: he had only two minutes to live.

Christopher died in vain. His deathbed accusation fell on deaf ears, as a witness stated that the neighbor was not in the apartment, and the neighbor offered to take a lie-detector test to demonstrate his innocence. All Christopher got for revenge was an accidental death sentence.

Here is the link: http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/i...arwin2005.html

[Bernd]

[QUOTE=GMichael]WAIT! You forgot your sign. You wouldn't want to lose that.[/QUOTE

Guys I got into terrible trouble. Got caught smoking without my IQ ID. Had to take the test again. On probation until the results are in.

Peace

[Bernd]

Most warnings on products are governed by federal regulations, although there are plenty of lawsuits over the adequacy of some product warnings. GM, I think this topic is funny too. I just felt like speaking up when JM hyperbolized that all product warnings are due to frivolous lawsuits.

About the obesity lawsuit - that was a law professor and his students that filed that lawsuit against several fast food chains. It was thrown out. People have tried to use the courts to implement social change for many years. Most of the time they fail because it's not the right place. I have found it interesting though that after that lawsuit McDs announced it was going to use a different type of oil for its fries and that it was going to provide more nutritional information for the items on its menu.

Most of the time the courts get it right and weed out suspect claims. Judges are authorized to award the other side their costs for having to defend these claims. I get suspiscious of knee-jerk reactions that include legislation banning these types of claims when the courts can take care of them. What if you get food poisoning, HIV/AIDS or hepatitis from a fast food place, but find you can't sue them because a law was passed banning lawsuits against fast food places for the quality of their food?

As for the warnings on the BIC lighter and the Sears mower, I don't know why they're there. I do agree that there are a lot of dumb people walking around. Product warnings has become a highly specialized field. If the product's warning is not prescribed by the government, then the product's warning is probably based on studies of human behavior. That says quite a bit about the general population.

Hi Dean,

Good point. It's important that the courts and the Jury system stay accesible for all. Over here most of the Trials are now without a jury and it's very dodgy. A Jury has wisdom in my opinion.
These dfferent points of view make these lighthearted threads so interesting for me,as you can learn a great deal from them.
Anybody ever read "The Global Brain"? He talks about the Earth is like a Brian and the different PC terminals are like Briancells connecting with one another. Most interesting.

The B.O.T. is coming up here and it's time to start the day. Good Morning everybody.

Peace

Bernd

[GMichael]

Hey Bernd,

How's it going? Enjoy that B.O.T. It's out here too. But it's still only 20F. Brrrr... We got a half inch of snow a week ago and it's still here. More on the way tonight.

Hi Dean,

Did you find that "collection of photographs of unsafe work conditions that were hilarious" yet?

[GMichael]

[QUOTE=Bernd]

WAIT! You forgot your sign. You wouldn't want to lose that.[/QUOTE

Guys I got into terrible trouble. Got caught smoking without my IQ ID. Had to take the test again. On probation until the results are in.

Peace

Maybe Dean can piont you in the right dirrection. There may be special classes you could take to cut that probation time down.

[FLZapped]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

This was put in there for those folks who use the dryer to heat their beds before hitting the sack. Problem is, they throw the covers over it and then forget about them until they suddenly realize their house is on fire.....

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

Underwater?


-Bruce

[GMichael]

This is so the Navy doesn't use them to decorate their subs?

[Bernd]

Well the B.O.T. is still here. No snow though but cold. I will have a chat with Dean about the probation.
GMichael make sure that Bic is out before you put it in your pocket.

Damn no smoke.

Bernd

[GMichael]

GMichael make sure that Bic is out before you put it in your pocket.

Bernd

But I'm cold. I can't use the hair drier to warm my bed anymore. It may cause a fire. So I have to use flames instead.

[L.J.]

But I'm cold. I can't use the hair drier to warm my bed anymore. It may cause a fire. So I have to use flames instead.

How about using really hot hot coffee!

[GMichael]

How about using really hot hot coffee!

In my pocket?

[JohnMichael]

GMichael you need to find an old fashioned bed warmer. The kind where you take a hot coal from the stove or fireplace and put it in the bed warmer and move it around between your sheets. Of course we would now need a warning for the bed warmer, the fireplace and an environmental warning about burning coal without ventilation. Oh never mind get a down comforter unless of course you are allergic. Just do not remove the tag under penalty of law.

[JohnMichael]

Yeah, I know. I regret putting a damper on this lighthearted thread. I know JohnMichael didn't mean anything personal - how could he? I didn't want to come across as being offended because I wasn't.

Anyhow, I used to have a collection of photographs of unsafe work conditions that were hilarious. (I think I lost them in a computer crash.) If I can track them down I will post them. I remember one that showed a construction worker working on lighting over an indoor pool. The lights were on, he was on an aluminum ladder and the ladder was in the pool which of course was filled with water. I'm sure I know someone who has a collection of stupid warnings. Maybe I can add to rather than detract from this thread.

No, I did not mean anything personal towards you or attornteys in general. I was thinking of some people I knew who were always watching for someone to sue as a get rich quick scheme if they were not able to win the lottery. You may not know this but I worked in healthcare for 15 years both in patient care and management. Someone was always threatening to sue us. Then when I was in management and you fired someone they would always tell you their lawyer would be calling. They never did of course but I was always glad we had first class representation if there ever was a suit. So believe me the legal team we had made us feel more confident in what we were doing and kept us informed so we did not do anything wrong.

[L.J.]

But I'm cold. I can't use the hair drier to warm my bed anymore. It may cause a fire. So I have to use flames instead.

Hmmmm. I suggest flowers, chocolates, a romantic dinner for two, bottle of favorite wine and some soft music. That should warm your bed right up.

[JohnMichael]

Hmmmm. I suggest flowers, chocolates, a romantic dinner for two, bottle of favorite wine and some soft music. That should warm your bed right up.

You're smooth. You know how to treat a lady.

[GMichael]

My wife is a little different. Sure, she like flowers, but she doesn't like wine much. And a good dinner means that I make her 3 cups of white rice. That makes her putty in my hands.

[L.J.]

You're smooth. You know how to treat a lady.

That's just a little bit of common sense and years of experience.

[Kam]

Now if only women came with label instructions....


that'd be one long label, and different addendums for each model.

[GMichael]

Now if only women came with label instructions....


that'd be one long label, and different addendums for each model.

Do not fold, spindle or mutilate?

Or more like this:

You’ve asked her out, and she said YES! What do you do now?

Pre-Date Plans

Making the Plans

Call your date prior to the rendezvous, preferably the day before; by this time, you should have already formulated tentative plans on where to go (see Where To Go, below). Discuss these suggested plans with your date. If she seems unenthusiastic about your choices and does not offer any alternatives, then ask her for some suggestions. If your date proposes someplace different from your original idea, go with it (unless she wants to go clogging or something, in which case cancel the date). Don’t make the destination a surprise. If for some reason you absolutely must, then give the woman an idea of what to wear. Stiletto heels and a miniskirt are not fun at a picnic.

What to Bring

Here’s a tip; I never met a woman that hated receiving flowers. Bringing flowers shows that you are thoughtful, generous, and have a sense of aesthetics, all good traits in a man. Daisies, tulips, and a half-dozen white or yellow roses are all good picks for a first date bouquet. Don’t bring carnations; as my friend Niru says, "They look cheap." Also, a dozen red roses are too presumptuous for a first date. A woman wants a potential boyfriend, not a potential stalker.

Other good gifts include: a tasteful box of candy (French mints are a good pick, but buy the more expensive brand); a small, interesting plant; a favorite food of hers. Don’t be afraid to get creative. You want to leave a lasting impression—giving lingerie is not a good idea, unless you want to leave the impression of your cheek on her hand.

How To Act

Manners

Chivalry is not dead. Forget all the PC garbage; women love all the old-time gestures of courtesy. The majority of women will want you to open their doors, pull out their chairs, offer your coat, and let them go first. By far, women want a gentleman—these types of behaviors will display that you have class, good breeding, respect, and that you were raised right by your mother.

Money Matters

I cannot stress this enough; you must pay for all the evening’s activities. I know that this may make women seem petty and selfish, but secretly every woman expects the man to pay on the first date. Unfair though it may seem this is tradition; don’t be a rebel. The woman will most likely attempt to pay for a check. Gently refute this by jokingly saying, "You can get it next time." If you really like this woman, chances are you will have a second, third, and fourth date. Very soon she will return the favor.

Where To Go

Dinner

The purpose of the first date is for the man and woman to get to know each other. To do this, you must talk. So, you can’t go wrong with dinner. Take her to a semi-fancy restaurant; McDonald’s won’t cut it. Conversely, don’t take her to a very expensive restaurant; she will feel uncomfortable if you pay for a $100+ check. Show your originality by taking her to a little-known local restaurant with a diverse menu. Discuss the type of restaurant fare before you plan; you don’t want to take her out for seafood only to discover that shrimp makes her swell up like a balloon. If an upscale local restaurant is out (or your budget can’t handle it), take her to a mid-range chain like T.G.I. Fridays or Chili’s. They have tasty food and fun atmosphere.

What next?

Dinner was great, but what should you two potential lovebirds do next? Dinner and a movie is now a dating cliché, so I wouldn’t recommend it. There is no chance for talking, too much chance for arguing ("You actually like Steven Segal?"). There is also too much opportunity for worrying and committing a faux pas (Where should I put my hand? Can she tell I’m staring at her out of the corner of my eye?). If you and she like dancing, go dancing. However, if you look like a drunk monkey when you dance, maybe you should wait until you are more comfortable with each other before displaying your boogie-down inadequacies. Instead, take her out to a cool coffee bar or an intimate nightclub; make sure (subtly) that she drinks alcohol before placing her in a potentially uncomfortable situation. Don’t drink too much, though, or the only thing you’ll be kissing that night is the porcelain goddess.

After the Date

Saying Goodnight

To kiss or not to kiss? Isn’t that really the question? Unfortunately, I don’t have a definitive answer for that one. Rely on your gut feeling—if the woman seems open to being kissed (stands close to you, seems a bit nervous, touches your arm or shoulder), then go for it. However, if you are not sure, don’t try to press the issue. If the woman is into you, there is always the next date. After the kiss (or lack thereof), make sure you tell your date how much fun you had and hint at a future date. You don’t want to leave her wondering whether you will ask her out again.

The Phone Call

Yes, I’ve seen the movie Swingers. And no you should not wait a whole week to call your date. If you really like this woman, call her the next day. As much as women like to play games, we don’t like to be on the receiving end of them. You will make the woman a nervous wreck waiting for your call. You will also seem too casual if you wait a long period of time to ring her up. Call for a quick chat, deep conversation, or heck, ask her out again. Thus, a woman will not have to analyze your feelings; they will be apparent. Please, though, don’t expect your date to call you; we are not programmed that way.

There you have it, the perfect first date. Now the rest is up to you. All these hints won’t amount to much if you are not your charming self. So be loose, have a good time, and let your personality show through. A second date can’t be far behind.

Dressing for Dummies
Face it. Looks are the first thing that attracts a woman. So, what do you wear on your first date so she’ll be clamoring for a second?
Casual
The date: picnic, outdoor concert.

Though I recommend these as second date activities, the more adventurous may want to take their date to a casual event. Jeans (not dirty or ripped) and polo shirt.

Semi-Casual/Formal
The date: dinner, movie.

These plans are the best for a first date . Khakis and a white-button down are my top pick. Alternate choices: wool sweater, corduroys/ black pants, fitted shirt (cool weather); khaki shorts and short-sleeved polo (warm weather).

Formal
The date: formal dinner, posh nightclub.

This type of date is probably too expensive for a new couple. Trendy suit; tie and blazer.

Don’t Forget:
polished shoes, cologne, mouthwash, styled hair, clean shave.

Never, Ever Wear:
cowboy boots (or hat), vest with no shirt underneath, overabundance of jewelry, T-shirt, tank top, old sneakers, too much cologne, sweatshirt, baseball cap, dirty clothes.

Remember; Dress according to your destination, and you’ll never be inappropriately attired. Call ahead for dress-code if you are uncertain.

[GMichael]

Then there's this set of instructions:

I've figured it out. So I've developed these guidelines to help men understand the ways to a sick chick's heart:

Be a jerk. Be standoffish, be aloof, make it clear your true interests lie elsewhere, and that she must work for your affection. Only compliment her in a backhanded way, as in, ‘You did a pretty good job on the kitchen, for a slob’. Keep a stack of porno mags by the bed and start flipping through them whenever she makes any efforts to seduce you, implying she's inadequate to the task of exciting you.

Do not, for cryin' out loud, act like you're happy to see her when she gets home. The one thing that will put her off the whole concept of sex is you greeting her like a big, goofy, crotch-sniffing Irish Setter. Don't give her that unconditional love and lust, telling her how hot she is in spite of the fact that she's gained five pounds, or even ten. Don't tell her how much you appreciate her body for the temple of pleasure it is. Don't nuzzle her neck and offer her endless cunnilingus. Instead, try this approach: ‘Gimme head, beeyotch’.

Other key phrases to keep her coming back for more: ‘Where's my dinner?’ (especially useful if she's just come home from a hard day's work). ‘Got any money? I lost mine at the track.’ ‘Are you going to wear *that*? It makes your butt look huge!’ Don't forget to leave the toilet seat up, especially at night when you've got her trained to go in the dark, lest the bathroom fan disturb your sleep. Leave your dirty clothes wherever you drop them, and avoid working for a living if at all possible - it uses up the energy you'll need to keep your woman in line.

Sure, you could go for a healthy relationship with one of those empowered, independent women, but why? Just follow these simple guidelines and you will achieve levels of dysfunction beyond your wildest dreams.

[kexodusc]

I clicked on this thread expecting 47 passage of beautiful prose paying tribute to me....

[GMichael]

Uhm.. Not to be serious or anything, but... Kex, you are not a "stupid people." Sorry.

Now, back to our program.

[JohnMichael]

I clicked on this thread expecting 47 passage of beautiful prose paying tribute to me....

Have you posted your picture yet?