For GMicheal

[ForeverAutumn]

I pulled this off of a friend's blog without his permission (hey, that's the risk you take when you blog, deal with it). I did remove all references to names to protect the (still) innocent. I thought that Mike might want to keep this for future reference.

Rules for dating my daughter.

There's been a ton of these floating around on the Internet for many years and I've collected them all - my friend just posted one today that was pretty funny. My daughter is not old enough to date yet - though she thinks she is. My friends all think it's very humourous to say things like "Man, you are in BIG trouble" or "start building the cage in the basement". Yes - it's all very very funny.

I have stolen liberally and word-for-word from various viral "Email Forwards", Facebook postings, etc, and interjected my own thoughts on how I will handle the impending doom of my daughter's dating years. It makes me feel better just to read it, though I do intend to print it and frame it on the front door in about 8 years.

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk your horn you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as **** not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
Do NOT touch my daughter in front of me. You can gaze at her perfection, so long as it is at her face and directly at her face – nothing below her neck. If you can’t keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am painfully aware that it is somehow considered stylish for guys like you to wear their pants with their underwear on public display. Don't take this personally (or feel free to – I could give a crap), but you and all of your idiot friends are total asshats. Still, I can’t lock my little girl up until she’s 30 to give life a chance to kick your ass and smarten you up, so here’s my compromise: You can show up at my door with your gutkes (that’s Yiddish for underwear) bunched around your waist and your ass hanging out of your pants and I’ll live with it. However, in order to ensure that your clothes actually stay while you’re with my daughter, I will take my neighbor Ken’s hydraulic nail gun and fasten them securely in place.

Rule Four:
Hopefully you’ve heard that in today's world, having sex without using some kind of protection can kill you. Allow me to be more specific: When it comes to sex, I am the protection, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
Society dictates that in order for us to get to know each other, we should discuss some things that we may have in common – music, movies – maybe even politics. Please don’t bother. The only information I need from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular guy with a lot of – let’s just say ‘potential’ for dating a lot of girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you are dating her, you will continue to date no one but her until she is done with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Only much, much harder.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my house waiting for my daughter to appear, do not get grumpy and annoyed and complain that she is late. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should be dating a guy. Instead of just standing there like a whiny ****, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a stainless steel table.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay - the lounge at Baycrest is better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a fat, bald, middle-aged has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the omniscient, merciless god of your f*&^ing universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a gun, a shovel, and a big backyard. Do not screw with me.

Rule Ten:
I have a very sketchy past filled with risky behaviour and gratuitous experimentation. Flashbacks can occur at any time, and without warning. And they stand up in court.

[GMichael]

Funny FA.

At least I have a few years before my sweety starts dating. Till then, Ma-Ma is her world, and she has a crush on Da-Da.

I think that her boyfriends will have a bigger problem with Mommy than with Daddy. She's from a different world with different values. She's already talking about chaining Baby up so that no guys can get to her.

[kexodusc]

I could have used this for some of this when my little sister was in high school...

[Rich-n-Texas]

BLAH BLAH BLAH. I've found work-arounds for everyone of those lame rules.

[GMichael]

BLAH BLAH BLAH. I've found work-arounds for everyone of those lame rules.

Just invite the guy in and glare at him while you clean your gun. No words spoken.