Friday funnies

George Carlin humor...

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

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Imponderables:

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

A guy from Cleveland dies and is sent to Hell. He had

been a horrible man his entire life. The devil puts

him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To

make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the

humidity.



After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his

victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil

is aghast as the Clevelander is happily swinging his

hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up

to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned

the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks;

why are you so happy?" The Clevelander, with a big

smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great!

It reminds me of August in Cleveland. Hot, humid, a

good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is

fantastic!"



The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder

the Clevelander's remarks. Then he decides to drop the

temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential

wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud

up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the

Clevelander is happily slogging through the mud

pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.



Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such

conditions. The Clevelander replies, "This is great!

Just like April in Cleveland. It reminds me of working

out in the yard with spring planting!"



The devil is now completely baffled but more

determined to make the Clevelander suffer. He makes

the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in

snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the

Clevelander unhappy, the devil checks in on him.



He is again aghast at what he sees. The Clevelander

is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as

he cavorts in glee. "How can you be so happy? Don't

you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil.

Jumping up and down the Clevelander throws a snowball

at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over!! This

means the Browns won the SuperBowl !!

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