Frensday Jokes!

[piece-it pete]

Let's get Bush!! (And people say I'm partisan:)

SOME TEXAN

Three cowboys were hanging out in a bar, discussing George W. Bush's visit to their ranch earlier that day.
"The funniest part," the first one said, "was when he kept trying to honk the cow's horns, complaining that they didn't work."
They laughed, and then the second cowboy said, "No, the best was when he asked if being a cowboy meant that I was half-cow."
They all laughed louder, and then the third cowboy said, "No, boys, the best was when he tried to milk that steer!"


FRIENDLY FAVOR

George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'."
Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.
Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve."
The little man says, "F**k off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.


EMERGENCY EXIT

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, George W. Bush, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
George W. Bush rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am supposed to be the President of the U.S. The world needs leaders, and I think leaders should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry. The supposed leader of the free world just jumped out wearing my backpack."


COLLEGE DAYS

George W. Bush was talking to some of his advisors, and they were discussing spin control on his past drug problems.
"Dubya," said his PR guy, "We've got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college."
"It's true," replied Bush, "but it isn't my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose."


"We need to stop the exquisite sex and wholesome violence that underscore our children"
--NPR Public Radio


George W Bush and Tony Blair is in a bar over a drink when another guest comes along and asks them what they are discussing.

- "We're planning for world war 3" sais Bush.

- "Oh dear" sais the guest "What are you going to do?"

- "We are planning to kill 1,400,000 muslims and one IS consultant" sais Bush.

The guest just stands there baffled.
- "An IS consultant...?" he sais "Why? Why in heavens name are you going to kill an IS consultant?"

George W. Bush pats Tony Blair on the shoulder and sais:
- "I told you! No one is going to ask about the muslims..."


During a meeting he held at a BMW vehicle factory in South Carolina with plant workers and suppliers, Spartanburg Steel Products president Stephen Thies told the President his company had an affiliate that was the only American maker of beer kegs.
"I quit drinking in '86, but I bet some of the people out here use the product," Mr Bush said. "I'm not going to point out which ones."
Mr Thies said: "Well, we did notice a dip in demand at that point in time."



George W. was visiting a Florida elementary school while a fifth grade class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr.Bush if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy."

Mr.Bush asks the class for "an example of a tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says George W. "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained George W. "that's what we would call a Great Loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.

Mr.Bush searches the room, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, in the back of the room a small boy raises his hand, in a quiet voice he says, "If you and your lawyers, Mr.Bush were to be eaten by a pack of hungry 20 foot alligators, that would certainly be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims George W., "that's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "it must be a tragedy, because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."


"Today, the United Nations approved a resolution to lift the sanctions against Iraq. ... Yeah, the move will allow Iraqis to buy things they don't have, such as medicine and weapons of mass destruction." -Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon said this week that the war in Iraq has cost $20 billion so far. The breakdown is operations: $10 billion; personnel: $6 billion; getting Bush re-elected: priceless." -Bill Maher

"All over Baghdad, Iraqi looters have been breaking into banks and walking out with millions of dollars in Iraqi money. As a result, they now qualify for President Bush's tax cut." -Conan O'Brien


"In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. ... The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole." -Jon Stewart

"White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said that while President Bush is monitoring the situation in Iraq, he is leaving the day-to-day decision making to the military experts. First they kick Geraldo out, then we rescued that female soldier, now we find out Bush isn't making the decisions. No wonder the stock market went up today." -Jay Leno

"Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob." -Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'" -Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular." -Jay Leno

"New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut." -Craig Kilborn

"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida." -Jay Leno

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either." -David Letterman

"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'" -Craig Kilborn

"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline." -Jay Leno

"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education – anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda – and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out." -Jay Leno

"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?" -Jay Leno

Sorry, Chris, I couldn't find a good Bush cowboy joke!

Pete

[JSE]

Ha...... I knew it! I knew you were always a closet liberal.

I think I will order one of these.

JSE

[JSE]

Darnit, Mad Magazine blocks images from being used.

Try this,



or,

http://www2.warnerbros.com/madmagazi...ots_437/6.html

JSE

[trollgirl]

It's good to see that Mad Magazine is funny again!
And thank you Pete, for the Bush jokes!!

Wait, I've got one: Remember all the jokes about Waco?? Back a few years before that, remember Jonestown?? There weren't too many jokes about that. There was one really good joke about Jonestown, but it never quite caught on. The punch line was too long...

Laz