A Question About Marital Status in This Hobby...and Moving with a HT

[John Beresford]

A couple of general inquiries for all my friends in this great forum; first of all, is there anyone in here, with the home theater surround hobby bug, that isn't married yet? It seems that I am on an island all by myself here with regard to this as everyone makes references to "the wife" or "the family room" and it seems that way on other boards I frequent, too, such as Home Theater Forum.com; seems EVERY MEMBER has a wife or fiance or some such arrangement; I am 30 and haven't taken the plummet into matrimony yet, and I sometimes feel as if Im all alone in this hobby of mine with no one to share the movie watching experience with; sure, my current girlfriend (we're on the rocks right now, and on top of that, she went to Florida for a few weeks to be with her family for the holidays...I couldnt go I have to work) watches DVDs in surround with me at times, but for the most part, its like there is such an alienation of sorts when I think of coming home to that studio apartment where there is no wife waiting, etc; I dont live with anyone. Can anyone else relate to being into this home theater hobby yet living alone at the same time?

And as I contemplate moving from where I currently live in New York, and moving to where my only family is in Las Vegas, Nevada, I wonder about the intricacies of moving...especially all my audio equipment. Anyone have any experiences to share regarding the moving process? Once I get all the home theater gear set up wherever I end up, will it sound like it once did; is the re-setup process difficult when moving audio gear when one moves? Does it perform the same once all calibration settings are made once again, etc? Is there anything to be concerned about in this regard?

Thanks, friends.

[kelsci]

Hi John; I for one have never married. Currently, I am 57 years old. I am not looking for a wife for two reasons. One; my health is not the greatest and 2nd. the girl I did love from 1984 had declining mental and physical health and passed away in April 2000. When she was alive, she did not have patience to sit thru a movie(due to a bi-polar disorder). She did participate a small amount when we went out to county fairs, parks and other events when I used my portable video equipment during the mid 1980s to 1992. She did have enough patience to listen to demonstrations of surround sound. I think that one of the funniest things she ever said was when I showed her the battle between Robocop and Police Robot at the end of ROBOCOP 2. I asked her what she thought about the scene and the outrageous surround sound track when she replied; I liked the scene between the two TIN MEN. Speaking of shades of the WIZARD OF OZ. I thought that what she said was BEAUTIFUL and original which is why I loved her so much.

I believe on some of these boards you will hear the expression WAF and SAF for WIFE ACCEPTANCE FACTOR or SPOUSE ACCEPTANCE FACTOR applying towards the looks of home theater to the lady of the house. I know there are women in the electronic publication business that appear to be interested in the home theater aspect but I think men are the dominant home theater dabblers in the hobby. When my mother was alive, I told her, at least the stuff entertains you(this was before vcrs and dvds and only FM Radio and Vinyl), not sit around all day as an ornament in a living room. or turning the house into a showroom looking like a furniture store and even worse telling everybody where they could not sit.

I think you are going through a time of reflection for your potential future between your hobby and your girlfriend. If things had been better for both of us when we met, I would have married my girlfriend and have had children. The loving of a lady is on a very high plane of its own existence and cannot be compared to this hobby. It sits on its own merits. A receiver is man made, man being a manipulator of the elements needed to make a receiver out of the earth; but a women is created by a higher power and is like yourself a complex organism that walks among the elements of the earth on ones own power. The receiver cannot do that( but some subs have been known to do the "walk").

You are satisfied with your system now. I see no reason why it should not work well even under slightly different conditions in Vegas over N.Y.C. That is the least of your worries. KELSCI.

[JSE]

The key is finding someone who will put up with your hobby. Don't try and find someone that will be just as excited about HT. I am always explaining something to my wife or asking her to listen to something. She says wow or yes, I hear that. She's faking it. I know she faking it. She does not have clue or really care but she knows it interest me so she plays along. That's a cool wife. Now spending money on equipment, that's a diff. story. I just bought a Yamaha RX-V1400. It came early this week and it is now under the christmas tree wrapped up. She is actually evil in that sense. I got to buy the receiver in exchange for me buying her an iPod. I can't complain, I'm a kept man. She makes alot more than I make.

JSE

[poneal]

John, I for one am married. My wife doesn't really get into the HT thing but she does let me know whether something sounds good or not. The good thing is, is that she is mostly right. I was in the military previously (about 10 yrs. ago) and did a lot of moving. The military sent in the truck, movers, etc. I never had any problems with the equipment at the new home. If your driving, then I would say take your most important pieces (amp, etc.) and take it along in the car. Just make sure you take it inside the hotel room at night while on the road. The military paid for anything that was broken during the move. You would have to buy insurance if you want that type of assurance. Before I got married, I was kinda like you. I liked reading stereo magazies and usually hung out with other people that liked the hobby too. The only down side that I can see is that I am unable to spend as much as I would like on stereo equipment now. Other responsibilities ya know. Well good luck on the move.

[John Beresford]

Thanks a lot, guys...

Appreciate the replies; especially Kel, and Im sorry for that loss, Kel...sounds like she was a real human being, your sweetheart from 1984...

But I guess what I am beginning to wonder is, now that Im 30, what is wrong with me? Why cant I just find the right one? I had turned down opportunities I may have had in the past with some women as far as commitment, but is that why Im suffering particularly now? Is it over at 30? To be honest, friends, I dont just want to live the remainder of my life in a studio apartment, watching DVDs on my own, no one to really share any good times or moments with; the girl I'm "with" now doesnt really count in my eyes; she is still officially married, and it doesnt seem like the divorce is coming any time soon --- neither of them seem to have any money to do anything about it. On top of that, while we spend a lot of time together, as I had said in the original post she left to go to Florida for well over two weeks to see her parents for Christmas---but she will also be away for New Years, and it didnt seem to even faze her that she left me all alone when she did that; she knew she was going, and that was that----ALL my married friends from college are all going to be together, in couples, and once again, I have to fend for myself. So I decided to go see MY family in Nevada for the week of New Years so I wasnt sitting home either with married couples or by myself.

So I dont think this is the woman I was meant to marry; but if not her, who is? If I move to where my family is, will I meet someone there? Is it remotely possible? How do I know? Should I stay here in NY just for this girl, who is still married and goes away and leaves me on holidays and doesnt really want to be serious with me beyond what we have?

I am hearing, friends, ALL KINDS of opinions on this next subject: am I running out of time at 30 to find my soul mate? Is it just about over for me because I havent committed yet in my life? Some say dude, just pack it up because its pretty much over in terms of finding somone STABLE at this stage of the game....others say I am young and there is no rush...is there a rule about this? Can anyone make sense of this for me? Some people make me feel terrible about the situation Im in, making me feel like I should have committed to someone A LONG time ago---but I just wasnt ready....now, they are making me feel like Im running out of time...is this so at 30? How do I know what is right or wrong?

My only other option is to pack up and move out to where my family is, but that would be starting completely from scratch, and that is terrifying...what if it didnt work out? What then?

[joel2762]

Nope I don't have a wife...I'm only 13 :D haha

[John Beresford]

Nope I don't have a wife...I'm only 13 :D haha

Joel, are you serious? You are only 13? Never would have thought that from our sincere discussions about DVD reviews.

[piece-it pete]

John,

I find like many others that the holidays can be a heart-wrenching time.

You feel alone. Kel misses his SO. I miss my mother, more than that, my home.

I remember a top 40 song I heard a couple of times, back maybe 10 years ago. It was one of those self-affirming things that usually quite frankly turn my stomach set to music. It said a few things that hit home. At the time I just found out that we (me & SO) would not be having children. I have a stepdaughter I met at 10 yrs. old & now a grandaughter! but none of my own seed - I was bummed then & still sometimes now.

This song says a number of things we know but don't think about. Some will marry, some won't. Some will have kids, some won't. Some will live long, some won't. Some will be rich, some (most?) won't.

The key is that it is normal. It's not a defect on our part, or punishment. It is part of the life laid out for us, our training for the future. Seems a small consolation for the pain of now, but there it is.

You are probably doing at least OK, or you wouldn't be worried about your HT. 30 isn't old. I'd say you've got plenty of time. There is a ton of women waiting to bump into you. I'd tell your current girlfriend how you feel & what you think. Be direct. Base your future actions on what she tells you, and what her actions say. It sounds funny, but grocery stores are a great place to bump into someone - just don't be buying a grocery cart full of beer & porno mags :)!

And, please don't take this wrong, but pray. Talking to God is good for you, and he may answer you.

Church is a great place to find the kind of woman you're looking for, and it's a low-pressure enviroment, where "most" people are friendly, and caring, and easy to talk to. Just be careful not to hook up with a cult. I could not have survived the losses I have recently without my faith in God. I often wonder how other people do.

Good Luck, John. I'll pray for you tonight, along with you, Kel, & your SO, and my own family.

Pete

[poneal]

Sounds like the Christmas blues. Go get some paxil-cr that'll hook you up.

[recoveryone]

John,

I find like many others that the holidays can be a heart-wrenching time.

You feel alone. Kel misses his SO. I miss my mother, more than that, my home.

I remember a top 40 song I heard a couple of times, back maybe 10 years ago. It was one of those self-affirming things that usually quite frankly turn my stomach set to music. It said a few things that hit home. At the time I just found out that we (me & SO) would not be having children. I have a stepdaughter I met at 10 yrs. old & now a grandaughter! but none of my own seed - I was bummed then & still sometimes now.

This song says a number of things we know but don't think about. Some will marry, some won't. Some will have kids, some won't. Some will live long, some won't. Some will be rich, some (most?) won't.

The key is that it is normal. It's not a defect on our part, or punishment. It is part of the life laid out for us, our training for the future. Seems a small consolation for the pain of now, but there it is.

You are probably doing at least OK, or you wouldn't be worried about your HT. 30 isn't old. I'd say you've got plenty of time. There is a ton of women waiting to bump into you. I'd tell your current girlfriend how you feel & what you think. Be direct. Base your future actions on what she tells you, and what her actions say. It sounds funny, but grocery stores are a great place to bump into someone - just don't be buying a grocery cart full of beer & porno mags :)!

And, please don't take this wrong, but pray. Talking to God is good for you, and he may answer you.

Church is a great place to find the kind of woman you're looking for, and it's a low-pressure enviroment, where "most" people are friendly, and caring, and easy to talk to. Just be careful not to hook up with a cult. I could not have survived the losses I have recently without my faith in God. I often wonder how other people do.

Good Luck, John. I'll pray for you tonight, along with you, Kel, & your SO, and my own family.

Pete

To bring a little light back on the thread, I offer some of you lonely souls a piece of my world. I've been married going on 20 years five kids ranging from my oldest 18 in college 13yr middle school 12yr middle school 6yr 2nd grade and the 3year old. My wife and were very happy with the first 3 the last two were a surprise ( I could tell you the day they were concived) we were not trying to have any more, but I would not trade them away for nothing. Now I go to work to relax and come home to stress.

The 3 younger one are girls and they fight all the time. I'll be happy to loan you lonly guys out there the two smaller ones (a week at a time) and I'm sure after that week you will appreciate your space and time you have to yourself. :) The Holidays are nice, but its the everday stuff that wears on you....Stop touching me, you touched me first, Get out of my room, where's mommie, I want to go with you (just going to use the restroom). Buy for 1 you buy for all or you will hear for the next week. Just to keep my HT in good shape I have to spend $ on TV's and other gear to keep them away from it. Being married and Family life is great, but be careful what you ask for. :)

[joel2762]

Joel, are you serious? You are only 13? Never would have thought that from our sincere discussions about DVD reviews.

Ha yep. I'm serious

[JSE]

Recoveryone,

I hear ya. My wife and I don't have kids, yet. We do however have two little girls that we watch alot for a single mom friend who just recently remarried. The dad is a LOSER! We will take them for the weekend or on a short vacation and we are ready to give them back everytime. We love them, but we don't want them! They have turned out to be the strongest form of birth control around. I feel for you with 3 young girls. I am a bit on edge for a few days after we drop them off back at their moms. The guy she married is great and has two older daughters in college so he must be a saint to go through it again.

I'm thinking one kid and then getting fixed.

JSE

[John Beresford]

Sounds like the Christmas blues. Go get some paxil-cr that'll hook you up.

Thats NOT the fix that will clear what we are talking about here up, Poneal...you are way off base here in this topic.

[hmmmm]

30 too old? OMG. John you're having the blues for sure. I'm 34 years old and actually feel better about myself now than when I was 25. I told myself that I would not get married until I was at least 30 because I wanted to accomplish some things in life first. Well, I've been married over 11 years now and its been great. It's funny because when I met my wife I told her I wasn't interested in going out with anyone and that I didn't think she was my type anyway. I was going back to school and was ready to party and live it up my last year. NOT A GOOD PICKUP LINE! (actually, maybe it was).
My wife puts up with the electronics problem I have as long as she gets to buy a lot of clothes. My problem is that I hardly ever get to turn the volume up. I have to take a baby monitor into my basement so my daughter can yell into it if the music gets too loud! My wife didn't like to watch movies downstairs with me because the couch was "too hard" so I bought a dual reclining sofa that has massage and now she says it's too comfortable so she just falls asleep.
Anyway, most of my friends are 35- 40 and the majority of them are still single. Two of them just hitched last year and they were 38 and 40. Maybe you should move to Maryland. One of the newspapers had a front page story on the frustrations of being a single woman in Maryland because it has the lowest rate of single men in the states.
Anyway, cheer up. Watch less movies and hit the gym...you'll feel great about yourself and can check out the women! Stay active! If you get depressed, seek help.
You'll find someone if you don't look too hard.

[John Beresford]

John,

I find like many others that the holidays can be a heart-wrenching time.

You feel alone. Kel misses his SO. I miss my mother, more than that, my home.

I remember a top 40 song I heard a couple of times, back maybe 10 years ago. It was one of those self-affirming things that usually quite frankly turn my stomach set to music. It said a few things that hit home. At the time I just found out that we (me & SO) would not be having children. I have a stepdaughter I met at 10 yrs. old & now a grandaughter! but none of my own seed - I was bummed then & still sometimes now.

This song says a number of things we know but don't think about. Some will marry, some won't. Some will have kids, some won't. Some will live long, some won't. Some will be rich, some (most?) won't.

The key is that it is normal. It's not a defect on our part, or punishment. It is part of the life laid out for us, our training for the future. Seems a small consolation for the pain of now, but there it is.

You are probably doing at least OK, or you wouldn't be worried about your HT. 30 isn't old. I'd say you've got plenty of time. There is a ton of women waiting to bump into you. I'd tell your current girlfriend how you feel & what you think. Be direct. Base your future actions on what she tells you, and what her actions say. It sounds funny, but grocery stores are a great place to bump into someone - just don't be buying a grocery cart full of beer & porno mags :)!

And, please don't take this wrong, but pray. Talking to God is good for you, and he may answer you.

Church is a great place to find the kind of woman you're looking for, and it's a low-pressure enviroment, where "most" people are friendly, and caring, and easy to talk to. Just be careful not to hook up with a cult. I could not have survived the losses I have recently without my faith in God. I often wonder how other people do.

Good Luck, John. I'll pray for you tonight, along with you, Kel, & your SO, and my own family.

Pete

Pete,

Thank you for your heart felt sentiments on this, and although I am not catholic, I appreciate your suggestions of going to church to pray...I never thought at 30 my life would get so empty that I would need to pray to a spiritual being just to get me by each and every day, but thats what it has come down to because everyone else in my friendship base is already married, some working on children.

I understand what you are saying regarding what those lyrics essentially meant, that some will get married and some just wont, and some will have children, and some just wont, and it makes me remember the lyrics to the Rolling Stones' "Cant Always Get What You Want"....but, really, there is ONE life to live, thats all----am I to believe that even though I WANT it, I DESIRE the warm companionship of someone else and have a great deal of affection and love to give someone, it MAY BE that it just wasnt in my cards to marry or make a connection with someone? Is that true? In other words, EVERYONE ELSE I know was "allowed" to get married or they were ABLE to find that person----but because of my life plan, whatever that may be----and whomever holds those cars---it may be that I just dont find that connection with anyone on a committed basis? EVEN THOUGH I CAN LOVE and AM CAPABLE OF LOVING and have a HUGE HEART and Im average looking and have had past relationships-----this STILL doesnt mean, for whatever reason, that I may NOT find that person in the remainding 60 or so years I have left here on Earth? Its possible?

[John Beresford]

30 too old? OMG. John you're having the blues for sure. I'm 34 years old and actually feel better about myself now than when I was 25. I told myself that I would not get married until I was at least 30 because I wanted to accomplish some things in life first. Well, I've been married over 11 years now and its been great. It's funny because when I met my wife I told her I wasn't interested in going out with anyone and that I didn't think she was my type anyway. I was going back to school and was ready to party and live it up my last year. NOT A GOOD PICKUP LINE! (actually, maybe it was).
My wife puts up with the electronics problem I have as long as she gets to buy a lot of clothes. My problem is that I hardly ever get to turn the volume up. I have to take a baby monitor into my basement so my daughter can yell into it if the music gets too loud! My wife didn't like to watch movies downstairs with me because the couch was "too hard" so I bought a dual reclining sofa that has massage and now she says it's too comfortable so she just falls asleep.
Anyway, most of my friends are 35- 40 and the majority of them are still single. Two of them just hitched last year and they were 38 and 40. Maybe you should move to Maryland. One of the newspapers had a front page story on the frustrations of being a single woman in Maryland because it has the lowest rate of single men in the states.
Anyway, cheer up. Watch less movies and hit the gym...you'll feel great about yourself and can check out the women! Stay active! If you get depressed, seek help.
You'll find someone if you don't look too hard.

I appreciate the candor in the matter, but Im not going to move to Maryland, and if my only salvation in finding someone is to either move there or go to the gym, then what is the point of even trying....see, you said you werent going to get married until you were 30, and you were married way before that, werent you....so, I guess it just works out for some people and for some people I guess it just doesnt....what makes it really tough is that I KNOW I have a good heart and I know how to treat someone, and STILL it hasnt gotten me very far....seems like it would be EVERYTHING a woman would want----believe me...I pull out chairs, open doors, buy flowers----still hasnt landed me someone who is supposed to be "right" for me...even a cousin of mine got married a few months back, and when we lived together for awhile, she always told me how she was "never gonna find the right one" and suddenly, she met him out of nowhere in a library, and they were married within months, not even....and yet I seem to have a lot to offer someone and it doesnt make sense. What is the point of just living by one self, in an empty apartment? Does that make any sense at 30?

Go to the gym to check out the women? Why bother....just because Im single, all I want to do is look, or have the ABILITY or authority to just LOOK as married people dont? Thats not what Im after....why waste time going to a gym just to look at the chicks or check them out or whatever....the search is for someone real in this world...Im so tired of all the head games and dumpings women perform; they play games with guys and then just dump em on their asses when theyre done...how do people find REAL people to marry? How does that happen?

Even YOU said you have been married 11 years and it has been GREAT....so, we really dont have to wait until 35 or 40, do we? We can find happiness like you, cant we? Or does it not exist for 30 year olds like me?

[kelsci]

John and Piece-it-Pete; I appreciate your sympathy on my late girlfriend. It is now 3 l/2 years since she is gone. When you loose that somebody you fell in love with, after a period of time, you look at the pictures and begin to say; did it all really happen? Worse then pictures are home videos made in stereo yet with rather good audio quality. It literally sounds like time has been frozen on those tapes. I use to be a great advocate of documentation of ones lives; now I am not too sure that is all so good.

John; so your girlfriend went to Florida. I live in Margate, Fl. On an internet map, the coordinates of N.W. 76th ave and Margate Blvd will show where I live. She had some cold weather to hit here. When the 50s and 60s are your temperatures after you lived here awhile, it is cold. It is going to first start to warm up today. I think it is a good idea for you to go to Vegas to see your family. I understand Vegas is up and coming so your future move may be a good one. By the way, I am orginally from the Bronx and Queens Village, New York. On a map, the coordinates were 229th street and Hillside Ave.

These days, thirty is not old. There were periods of years that I did not go out yet at the age of 38 it took me less than one minute to fall in love with my gal of 14 years. So I come from the school who sees that IF IT IS MEANT TO BE, IT IS MEANT TO BE. Even if you meet and marry somebody down the road, you may be the one listening to the home theater alone in your house. Your wife may carry on different interests. That went on with me and my girlfriend. One thing I did do was spend quality time with her when I was not doodling with the HT. She admired me for what I did in the HT arena and I admired her in her own spheres of influence. Currently, you seem to have a casual relationship with this girl. If you are moving out west, that relationship may end. If you think it is going to end, then I would start thinking about what social avenues to take when you are out in Vegas particulaly in the areas of Vegas that are going to be with permanent settlers and not out of town tourists that hit the hotels. If I come up with anything in my resistor-capacitor related mind dealing with Vegas, I notify you thru private message. KELSCI

[hmmmm]

My point in saying going to the gym is my way of saying to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get busy. Life is tough at times...we all know that, but sometimes you just need to get out there and try to make the best of things. I've had about the worst year in my life for many, many reasons I won't go into. Everything will fall into place when the time is right. It won't happen sitting in front of a computer or t.v. Of course I'm taking a lot of cold medicine right now so I may not be making much sense.
Take what you need and leave the rest (a friend of mine always says).

[John Beresford]

My point in saying going to the gym is my way of saying to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get busy. Life is tough at times...we all know that, but sometimes you just need to get out there and try to make the best of things. I've had about the worst year in my life for many, many reasons I won't go into. Everything will fall into place when the time is right. It won't happen sitting in front of a computer or t.v. Of course I'm taking a lot of cold medicine right now so I may not be making much sense.
Take what you need and leave the rest (a friend of mine always says).

I hear you; understandable. And I know that things wont happen by not getting out there -- I know that. But I have tried the internet for many, many years....sure, I found dates, flings, and even relationships thanks to the singles websites out there. I didnt plan on locking myself in a room and watching DVDs forever, expecting something to knock on my door....in all fairness, however, they say that you are supposed to meet the person you are supposed to be with by pure chance when you are not expecting it, or not "putting yourself out there."

But nothing seemed to last with the internet women I met. Its making me think perhaps 30 is too late to find true companionship.

Hope you feel better, BTW.

[John Beresford]

John and Piece-it-Pete; I appreciate your sympathy on my late girlfriend. It is now 3 l/2 years since she is gone. When you loose that somebody you fell in love with, after a period of time, you look at the pictures and begin to say; did it all really happen? Worse then pictures are home videos made in stereo yet with rather good audio quality. It literally sounds like time has been frozen on those tapes. I use to be a great advocate of documentation of ones lives; now I am not too sure that is all so good.

John; so your girlfriend went to Florida. I live in Margate, Fl. On an internet map, the coordinates of N.W. 76th ave and Margate Blvd will show where I live. She had some cold weather to hit here. When the 50s and 60s are your temperatures after you lived here awhile, it is cold. It is going to first start to warm up today. I think it is a good idea for you to go to Vegas to see your family. I understand Vegas is up and coming so your future move may be a good one. By the way, I am orginally from the Bronx and Queens Village, New York. On a map, the coordinates were 229th street and Hillside Ave.

These days, thirty is not old. There were periods of years that I did not go out yet at the age of 38 it took me less than one minute to fall in love with my gal of 14 years. So I come from the school who sees that IF IT IS MEANT TO BE, IT IS MEANT TO BE. Even if you meet and marry somebody down the road, you may be the one listening to the home theater alone in your house. Your wife may carry on different interests. That went on with me and my girlfriend. One thing I did do was spend quality time with her when I was not doodling with the HT. She admired me for what I did in the HT arena and I admired her in her own spheres of influence. Currently, you seem to have a casual relationship with this girl. If you are moving out west, that relationship may end. If you think it is going to end, then I would start thinking about what social avenues to take when you are out in Vegas particulaly in the areas of Vegas that are going to be with permanent settlers and not out of town tourists that hit the hotels. If I come up with anything in my resistor-capacitor related mind dealing with Vegas, I notify you thru private message. KELSCI

Kel,

Thanks again for your heartfelt feelings on my subjects; they are always appreciated.

Queens Village, huh? I live in Nassau, in Rockville Centre, not too far from Queens...this girl I was dating actually lived in Little Neck, Queens, downstairs from her friend...my best friend, who also recently moved to Tampa, Florida, lived in Glendale, Queens...not too far from you! How ironic.

Anyway, yes, she went to Florida, but only to visit for a few weeks----what bothers me is that, even though I had to work, she went ahead and made these plans without even caring about me or what I would do here without her----she knows Im alone here, with no family and no single friends, and she went ahead and made plans to stay in Florida until well after New Years...I mean, we are going out a year and she does something like that? And she sees NOTHING wrong with what she did; her argument is "I am going to see my parents who I havent had a Christmas or New Years with in over seven years...." yet, as the boyfriend, I am left by myself for New Years; I dont think that was right. She ditched me last new years because her friend "needed her"....I dont know how to feel about all this; I am resentful toward her for treating me this way, but also understand her family asked her to be with them for the holidays especially since she's not working right now. So thats the reason why I made plans to see MY parents for New Years week; I didnt really wanna be alone that week, you know? But the RIGHT woman wouldnt put me through these separation issues, would she?

My plan to move west isnt really "final" yet; I am still deciding if thats where I want to end up; its more like a last-resort choice because I dont really feel like anythings working out for me here....my friends are all idiots or are married, I dont really have anything holding me here, and Im on the fence.

As for her, she made it clear that someday, she wants to end up in Florida because obvioulsy thats where her family is, and also, she has property down there that her parents bought her, and all she would have to do is build a house on it. With what money she is going to do that with, I dont know. Do you think moving away from here just to be closer with family because nothing else is quite working out for me in New York is a smart move?

[topspeed]

Go to the gym to check out the women? Why bother....just because Im single, all I want to do is look, or have the ABILITY or authority to just LOOK as married people dont? Thats not what Im after....why waste time going to a gym just to look at the chicks or check them out or whatever....the search is for someone real in this world...Im so tired of all the head games and dumpings women perform; they play games with guys and then just dump em on their asses when theyre done...how do people find REAL people to marry? How does that happen?

John, you're not working out to pick-up chicks (although that's a nice by-product). You're working out to improve your mental and physical attitude. The physical exertion will not only improve your body via lifting weights, cardio, etc. but will vastly improve your mental outlook through the release of endorphins(sp?) and sense of accomplishment. Being thoroughly exhausted after pushing your body for an hour or so is a truly euphoric feeling (those endorphins again). The way you think about yourself has everything to do with how other people with think about you. Have you ever noticed how women always say they are most attracted to confidence? They are also attracted to people that like doing the same things as them.

As Zig Ziglar correctly states "You become what you think about all day long." If you think you'll be lonely (which you obviously are) guess what you'll get? If you think that all women do is dump guys, guess what kind of women you'll surround yourself with. You can have anything you want if you simply ask for it. The question is, are you asking the right questions?

One last idea. If meeting a "real" woman is a priority for you right now, do something about it. Get off your computer and go meet someone. Get shot-down 99 times. Crash and burn another 100. Think of it as a numbers game and the good news for every "no" you meet, you're one step closer to that one "yes":). It's time to stop have virtual relationships.

[richieb]

I am 32. I met my wife when I was 26, I got married in 1998 in the United Kingdom and have since moved to the USA. I met my wife on the internet in the yahoo chat rooms. Before we met my life was HT, but in those days it was more Laserdisc vs VHS and Dolby pro logic. Most of my money went on videogames and the boys came round each and every night for games on mariokart.

When I was 20+ I always thought who was the one for me? I would stay indoors alot playing games and watching movies in surround sound. It attracted alot of guys round my house but none of the opposite sex. So I went onto yahoo chat rooms to find women to chat to and find out what makes them tick. Within a few months I had 2 or 3 lady companions who didnt want to lose contact. They all lived in the USA for some reason.

In essense, I got to know a few ladies, but I knew I had distance and I was not committed. It did to some extent take me further away from society, but it also felt good to know that someone was waiting for my phone call or to get on the computer. I still let the boys come in for games on mariokart, and I had my lady friends. I would go to the pub a few times a week and sit down with ladies who were drunk or tipsy and have a laugh.. you never know you might get a telephone number.

There is not a right or wrong way to find a woman. When you eventually do find a lady, you will find that you have somehow being blessed and a hoard of women with bombard you with requests to take them out. At which point you will say "sorry, im taken".. Then you will realize that they were always in the exact same boat as you were when you read this.

In the meantime, do what you enjoy most. Don't isolate yourself from society and don't be shy to dance or tell someone they look nice..

Amen.

[46minaudio]

"You become what you think about all day long."
You reckon Im going to become a bigbreasted women with a nice ass..??Two even better...

[kelsci]

Hi John; I occasionally went to Rockville Center when I lived in N.Y. Little Neck, Queens was not far from me particulaly the intersection of Hillside Ave and Litlle Neck Parkway. You might have noticed that Grand Central and No. St. Pkwy were built on a hill. Anything north of these Pkwys was rough and hilly terrain. Anything south was flat. The Parkway was the dividing line of the ice age glacier.

At this point, both of you are not married. As such both of you are free to do whatever you please. Lets say you were married. I could only think of one similar instance. I am still friends with my late girlfriends family primarily her older sister and her husband. They became grandparents a year ago and for the 2nd time, a few weeks ago. My girlfriends sister spent alot of time up in Portland Ore. where they live. She has bought a condo in Portland as well to be near the grandchildren.
Her husband has been left alone here since he is a cardiologist and has a job with Pritikin. He gets away from the job as much as he can to go to Portland. While I am sure it might get lonely for him, at the same token, he manages the situation fine. If I took your situation and was married, I would have had no qualms about letting her go to see her family if she has not scene them in 7 years. While I might feel "abandoned", it is because of love that I would not feel "that abandoned" and of course, she is my wife. I'd just fart around with the home theater and other experiments till she came back.

Her land in Fla. may be worth quite a bit depending on where it is. There is a limit to where builders can build in Fla. because this could create drinking water, sewage and a host of other problems. Current real estate in South Fla. is appreciating. New homes run close to 100G or more. In the 70s, you could get a home in the 20s. I cannot comment any more on her property since I do not know that much about developed and underdveloped property. Since Hurrican Andrew over 10years ago, homeowners insurance has skyrocked while getting less coverage for your premium.

Again as I said before, for Vegas take a good look around when you go there and see if there is potential for you. KELSCI

[John Beresford]

Hi John; I occasionally went to Rockville Center when I lived in N.Y. Little Neck, Queens was not far from me particulaly the intersection of Hillside Ave and Litlle Neck Parkway. You might have noticed that Grand Central and No. St. Pkwy were built on a hill. Anything north of these Pkwys was rough and hilly terrain. Anything south was flat. The Parkway was the dividing line of the ice age glacier.

At this point, both of you are not married. As such both of you are free to do whatever you please. Lets say you were married. I could only think of one similar instance. I am still friends with my late girlfriends family primarily her older sister and her husband. They became grandparents a year ago and for the 2nd time, a few weeks ago. My girlfriends sister spent alot of time up in Portland Ore. where they live. She has bought a condo in Portland as well to be near the grandchildren.
Her husband has been left alone here since he is a cardiologist and has a job with Pritikin. He gets away from the job as much as he can to go to Portland. While I am sure it might get lonely for him, at the same token, he manages the situation fine. If I took your situation and was married, I would have had no qualms about letting her go to see her family if she has not scene them in 7 years. While I might feel "abandoned", it is because of love that I would not feel "that abandoned" and of course, she is my wife. I'd just fart around with the home theater and other experiments till she came back.

Her land in Fla. may be worth quite a bit depending on where it is. There is a limit to where builders can build in Fla. because this could create drinking water, sewage and a host of other problems. Current real estate in South Fla. is appreciating. New homes run close to 100G or more. In the 70s, you could get a home in the 20s. I cannot comment any more on her property since I do not know that much about developed and underdveloped property. Since Hurrican Andrew over 10years ago, homeowners insurance has skyrocked while getting less coverage for your premium.

Again as I said before, for Vegas take a good look around when you go there and see if there is potential for you. KELSCI

Kel, My Good Friend,

Thanks once again for the input....just to clear one thing up, officially, she really IS still married----I didn't include that fact in the last posts, I dont think...at any rate, I met her when she was separating from eight years married to someone...her divorce still hasnt gone through, and Im with her a year already. So Im really having sex with, and dating, a married woman. So, when you say neither of you are "married," sure, not ESSENTIALLY, but in reality, she IS married to someone else; but in THIS context of which you speak, it its irrelevant....she is not married to me, nor me to her. So I see your point....

Yet still, I understand about her going to see her family for CHRISTMAS and then coming home; but New Years, too? See, her family doesnt really know how close me and her have become because she is still breaking the divorce news to them slowly and stuff; so I cant just be "thrown" into the mix or the family so quickly I suppose; but still, why couldnt she tell them she wanted to come back to spend New Years with ME? Arent I worth that? Arent significant others supposed to be together on that night? She couldnt tell them that she would want to see me that night, and quite frankly, I think she wanted to spend New Years with them instead anyway...she did this to me last year, too, by spending the night with her friend instead of me last New Years.

I went to Vegas for about four or five months a year ago to try and get a job and feel the place out, whatever...while my cousin watched my place in New York for me; I couldnt find work, but I did manage to date four women or so at almost the same time---one with three kids that I really, really liked but it didnt work out. So I came back to New York. That same cousin since got married, moved out of my apartment and I havent heard from her since. I dont know if I should give Nevada another chance.

By the way, this girl I have been dating lived right off Marathon Parkway----so yes I know the streets and hills that you speak of! She lived on Rushmore Avenue.

[kelsci]

Hi John; you were on line apparently this afternoon since you answered back so quickly. I needed to close down to do other things. I also so the "monkey wrench" in this whole affair.

You are dating a lady who is separated from her husband. That's legal. She has yet to finalize a divorce. Even if she does, there is no gurantee as to what will follow next with both your relationships.

You have known her a year. Eh, last year was the beginning of your relationship. So perhaps she really needed to know you better before spending New Years with you then. For this year, perhaps she should have COMPROMISED but it appears she did not even think of it-like being there for you at New Years. You are asking a good question; AREN'T I WORTH IT? She did not take you into consideration on her own. What really would have been good is if she had proposed that compromise. So while you may be having a good time with each other, it seems like it is on a very social aspect. I do not think your situation is unique in today's world except with those couple who really love each other. Take a look at the news when a soldier has to leave his family to go off to a foreigh country. Look at the faces of the wives when they return. From what my mother told me, in 1945 she was in the kitchen when she heard whistling. She said she flew out of the apt. in the Bronx for she knew it was my father who happened to whistle quite well. When my late girlfriend gave me one of her first big kiss, the next thing she said to me "and I can do BETTER" in a voice that resembled actress Mae West. Oh, I knew she loved me and on top of that I had a Mae West imitator. One day, there was a Mae West film on and I said to her, who does this sound like. Sheepishly she said "me".

You have indicated you tried Vegas. It sounds like you had a dating scene there but jobs are important too. I mean, how do we support ourselves w/o a job and particually the home theater habit?

Marathon Parkway sounds familar to me. Rushmore ave does not. I did try msn maps. I could not find any Marathon Parkway but there was a Rushmore Ave out in Westbury. The mapsite was not working too well either.

I think that perhaps you now have graduated to DEAR ABBY. I cannot think of anything more on this topic to help you with. It is one of the toughest things to deal with in life, but some just find it so easy but sometimes it takes years too. And if it goes bad, then you end up with Judge Judy of which the plaintiff and the defendant end up famous for being stupid if Judge Judy gives each the gavel. KELSCI

[Worf101]

I've always been a bachelor. I've lived alone all my adult life (save dormitories and Army Barracks) until August of last year. In 93 an ex-girlfriend and I met for dinner in the city... she was getting divorced and we were just renewing aquaintences. One thing led to another and despite her being on the pill and me using a condom, my son Ian was conceived. Since we were never married we had no bad blood between us. I gave the kid my name, financial support and love (all without going to family court I might add) and we all got along fine.

I'd offered to give them a better life and home outside of NY city but they never took me up on my offer. In the ten year interim I settled down, got a good gig in Albany, bought a house etc... Finally, she realized that, despite her best efforts, all kids need Dads. They moved in with me last August. It's been a semi-difficult adjustment period for us all but it's working. I've had to reign in my speaker and gear buying habits but I can't complain. Ireta appreciates my HT systems both in the living room and bedroom and tolerates my hobby. I'm sure she wouldn't take the time money or effort to do it herself but she's glad I did. I've only bought one speaker (center channel) since she's been here, but that may chance soon...

Da Worfster

[John Beresford]

Hi John; you were on line apparently this afternoon since you answered back so quickly. I needed to close down to do other things. I also so the "monkey wrench" in this whole affair.

You are dating a lady who is separated from her husband. That's legal. She has yet to finalize a divorce. Even if she does, there is no gurantee as to what will follow next with both your relationships.

You have known her a year. Eh, last year was the beginning of your relationship. So perhaps she really needed to know you better before spending New Years with you then. For this year, perhaps she should have COMPROMISED but it appears she did not even think of it-like being there for you at New Years. You are asking a good question; AREN'T I WORTH IT? She did not take you into consideration on her own. What really would have been good is if she had proposed that compromise. So while you may be having a good time with each other, it seems like it is on a very social aspect. I do not think your situation is unique in today's world except with those couple who really love each other. Take a look at the news when a soldier has to leave his family to go off to a foreigh country. Look at the faces of the wives when they return. From what my mother told me, in 1945 she was in the kitchen when she heard whistling. She said she flew out of the apt. in the Bronx for she knew it was my father who happened to whistle quite well. When my late girlfriend gave me one of her first big kiss, the next thing she said to me "and I can do BETTER" in a voice that resembled actress Mae West. Oh, I knew she loved me and on top of that I had a Mae West imitator. One day, there was a Mae West film on and I said to her, who does this sound like. Sheepishly she said "me".

You have indicated you tried Vegas. It sounds like you had a dating scene there but jobs are important too. I mean, how do we support ourselves w/o a job and particually the home theater habit?

Marathon Parkway sounds familar to me. Rushmore ave does not. I did try msn maps. I could not find any Marathon Parkway but there was a Rushmore Ave out in Westbury. The mapsite was not working too well either.

I think that perhaps you now have graduated to DEAR ABBY. I cannot think of anything more on this topic to help you with. It is one of the toughest things to deal with in life, but some just find it so easy but sometimes it takes years too. And if it goes bad, then you end up with Judge Judy of which the plaintiff and the defendant end up famous for being stupid if Judge Judy gives each the gavel. KELSCI

Yeah, Kel, but she did the same thing to me LAST New Year's too; is that what you mean about not knowing me well enough? Last year I could understand it....but now a year later after being very intimate with me? She doesnt see it this way----she sees it as she wanted to spend all holiday with her family---well through New Year, no matter what I or anyone else said, because her parents asked her to. What could I do?

And what are you saying about my situation not being unique---are you saying chances are very slim we meet someone to REALLY love us and for us to love back? These people dont really exist? What are the chances?

[JSE]

Alright, John

You and I have not always got along in this forum buy maybe I can help. I'm honestly not trying to be mean or cold but,

Dump Her!

She obviously does not think enough about you to meet her parents and she obviously does not really care about your feelings. Why are you with her? She is still married. She could have been divorced by now if she really wanted to to. She is using you as a crutch. Why do you want to be a crutch? That's not love. I think you know this, you just see her as a companion, nothing more. The sooner you can drop her, the sooner you can move on and find "the one". Trust me, she is out there. Just gotta look.

My wife and I started dating in college 14 years ago. We started dating in August and ever since August 14 years ago, we have been together for every holiday. We made a point of it. Our parents and us spend Christmas and Thanskgiving together every year. I knew she was the one then and now. From your posts, this lady is not the one for you. Move on. If she does get divorced, she gonna have baggage. I will bet you money, after she does get divorced, she will be history. Again, I'm not trying be cold but, if YOU were the one for her, you would be in Florida right now.

Accept the fact that she is not here and make the most of it. Throw back a few cold ones and enjoy the Holidays. Go to Vegas and have fun, meet some ladies,spend some money on the machines, look for a J.O.B., whatever. Enjoy. I think it was Topspeed that said it's all about confidence. He's right. Attitude will get you everywhere.

Oh, 30 is not to old by any means. A buddy of mine just got married for the first time at 37. His wife is HOT and super cool. He definitely married up the gene pool. He never thought or worried it was too late. He always new he would find someone and he never settled for Ms. Almost.

Have a good Holiday and cheer up dude. There are a lot of women out there. After the Holidays, pick up your club and go hunting. Arrrrrg.

JaaaaaaaaaSsssss Eeeeeeeeeeee!

[John Beresford]

Alright, John

You and I have not always got along in this forum buy maybe I can help. I'm honestly not trying to be mean or cold but,

Dump Her!

She obviously does not think enough about you to meet her parents and she obviously does not really care about your feelings. Why are you with her? She is still married. She could have been divorced by now if she really wanted to to. She is using you as a crutch. Why do you want to be a crutch? That's not love. I think you know this, you just see her as a companion, nothing more. The sooner you can drop her, the sooner you can move on and find "the one". Trust me, she is out there. Just gotta look.

My wife and I started dating in college 14 years ago. We started dating in August and ever since August 14 years ago, we have been together for every holiday. We made a point of it. Our parents and us spend Christmas and Thanskgiving together every year. I knew she was the one then and now. From your posts, this lady is not the one for you. Move on. If she does get divorced, she gonna have baggage. I will bet you money, after she does get divorced, she will be history. Again, I'm not trying be cold but, if YOU were the one for her, you would be in Florida right now.

Accept the fact that she is not here and make the most of it. Throw back a few cold ones and enjoy the Holidays. Go to Vegas and have fun, meet some ladies,spend some money on the machines, look for a J.O.B., whatever. Enjoy. I think it was Topspeed that said it's all about confidence. He's right. Attitude will get you everywhere.

Oh, 30 is not to old by any means. A buddy of mine just got married for the first time at 37. His wife is HOT and super cool. He definitely married up the gene pool. He never thought or worried it was too late. He always new he would find someone and he never settled for Ms. Almost.

Have a good Holiday and cheer up dude. There are a lot of women out there. After the Holidays, pick up your club and go hunting. Arrrrrg.

JaaaaaaaaaSsssss Eeeeeeeeeeee!

Thanks JSE,

I will take everything into consideration, however, in her defense, I have met her parents before this holiday, the last time they came into New York, and it has been tough on her to tell her parents she has a new boyfriend so soon after the separation; I can understand this----her mom knows we are more than just friends but her dad just wouldnt understand it. And as far as Florida goes, she claims she made these plans to see her family for Christmas because she hasnt been with them in many, many years and I was working----which I was---and I dont even celebrate Christmas (I am Jewish)...

Do you really think there is still more time to find the "right one"? I am not running out of time or should get desperate for a mate?

[JSE]

Dude,


YOU ARE YOUNG!

Plenty of time. Besides, most young couple get divorced anyway because they rush into things. Sound familiar?

I still say move on. But that's your call. No one can make that decision for you. Hell, I am only a couple of years older than you so I am no expert.

I've never lived in NYC but I hear it's hell for singles. Vegas, does it get any better for singles? Have fun and date around. You've got PLENTY of time. Anyone that tells you different is blowing smoke up your ......!

Later.

[John Beresford]

Dude,


YOU ARE YOUNG!

Plenty of time. Besides, most young couple get divorced anyway because they rush into things. Sound familiar?

I still say move on. But that's your call. No one can make that decision for you. Hell, I am only a couple of years older than you so I am no expert.

I've never lived in NYC but I hear it's hell for singles. Vegas, does it get any better for singles? Have fun and date around. You've got PLENTY of time. Anyone that tells you different is blowing smoke up your ......!

Later.

Thanks JSE,

Well, yeah, New York is hell for dating because these friggin chicks all wanna party and be wild and not settle down, and that is so not my lifestyle----I am much more humble. But I dont live in the city, Im in the subburbs, in Long Island. I dont know if Vegas is any better for singles; I was there for about five months or so, trying it out, living with my folks, and I met about five or so women online...one I was having a heated sexual relationship (very cute girl, but had THREE kids and her two sisters were strippers there in Vegas) with, and another I was just fooling around with....nothing came of the other few. So it was REMOTELY POSSIBLE to meet people, women; nothing seemed stable, though....no one was real, no one seemed to be my "soul mate"....how do I know if Vegas is the place? My folks want me to move there, of course...

[Tarheel_]

a new direction i see, well i'll bite because having a wife that cannot appreciate good sound, but loves to see me excited about new equipment is nothing short of awesome.
I'm 34, been in HT since 99, and since then have spent close to 12k on audio/video gear.
Does she like my floorstanding F30s (finish doesn't match room) or 50" RPTV in her well decorated living room? No, but she tolerates it nonetheless because its my hobby and is much better than going out burning money on strippers and such.

Finding someone who accepts you is more important than finding someone who enjoys surround sound. The former will accept the latter.

Good luck and Merry Christmas to all on this board!!!

[John Beresford]

a new direction i see, well i'll bite because having a wife that cannot appreciate good sound, but loves to see me excited about new equipment is nothing short of awesome.
I'm 34, been in HT since 99, and since then have spent close to 12k on audio/video gear.
Does she like my floorstanding F30s (finish doesn't match room) or 50" RPTV in her well decorated living room? No, but she tolerates it nonetheless because its my hobby and is much better than going out burning money on strippers and such.

Finding someone who accepts you is more important than finding someone who enjoys surround sound. The former will accept the latter.

Good luck and Merry Christmas to all on this board!!!

Tar,

I have given up on the possibility of meeting a woman who would be into surround sound (although the "girlfriend" I have now likes to watch DVDs in surround with me and comment on the sound, etc; she is a DVD collector more than being into them for the sound) and now I am searching for exactly what you describe: someone to accept me for ME.

Peace be upon you and your family as well....

[kelsci]

John; I am out of anymore thoughts and suggestions for you. I must appreciate the other members of this board who posted after me(JSE, WORFSTER, ETC) of their situations and suggestions that they have given you. JSE's "crutch" theory could be what is going on here. I think you should have a good TALK with her after you and her return to New York and see where this is going. My late gal believed in COMMUNICATION within the relationship and I concurred with her from my own observations of married couples with-in my family.

I noticed one thing during my life. Usually, when I met somebody and occasionally dated, it was the girls from the midwest that were the most friendly. Do not worry about being Jewish unless you follow concervative or orthodox philosophies. I have heard of so many mix marriages that the religious factor does not seem to matter. All these couples care is having a good marriage and a good family. My late girlfriends niece's marriage is mixed and it is going fine. Both she and her husband have Doctorates and their 2nd child arrived about two weeks ago. With celebrieties, take Jerry Stiller and Ann Meara. "worked out good for them. KELSCI

[kelsci]

John; I watched IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE on NBC network. I stumbled onto this film on ch 5 in New York around 1966 only catching the last 40 minutes or so at that time. Watching it the other day made me think about you and your current girlfriend. The interelationship between James Stewart and Donna Reed as their love story unfolds through events in this film is nothing short of astounding and quite believeable. This to me is how two stranagers fall in love. I have heard a saying that RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK is the greatest serial Republic Pictures never made. I.A.W.L., in my opinion is the greatest Twilight Zone episode, Rod Serling never produced and wrote. I.A.W.L. IMO is a film of epic proportions that took many years to get its due. Perhaps what makes it so great that it is the story of love and the sacrifice of love and its importance on the lives of others. I consider it the #1 A movie of all time.

[John Beresford]

John; I am out of anymore thoughts and suggestions for you. I must appreciate the other members of this board who posted after me(JSE, WORFSTER, ETC) of their situations and suggestions that they have given you. JSE's "crutch" theory could be what is going on here. I think you should have a good TALK with her after you and her return to New York and see where this is going. My late gal believed in COMMUNICATION within the relationship and I concurred with her from my own observations of married couples with-in my family.

I noticed one thing during my life. Usually, when I met somebody and occasionally dated, it was the girls from the midwest that were the most friendly. Do not worry about being Jewish unless you follow concervative or orthodox philosophies. I have heard of so many mix marriages that the religious factor does not seem to matter. All these couples care is having a good marriage and a good family. My late girlfriends niece's marriage is mixed and it is going fine. Both she and her husband have Doctorates and their 2nd child arrived about two weeks ago. With celebrieties, take Jerry Stiller and Ann Meara. "worked out good for them. KELSCI

Kel,

I guess I will talk with her, but the talks go nowhere; she claims she just CANNOT speed up the divorce process any more than it is going; thats what SHE claims. I feel like Im wasting my time at this point; why even come back to NY? Perhaps, as friends and friends' parents are advising me, it is a good time to move to where my folks are and try and begin a new life with nicer, less depressing surroundings.

The whole Jewish/non Jewish thing is not a concern for me; I am leaving tonight for Vegas to see my parents for New Years. Have a great New Years, all.