Friday Joke Time

[Over50]

>For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when
>>you can get the milk free.
>>Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the
>>fact that......... for 8 oz. of sausage it's not worth buying the entire
>>pig!!!
>

[Over50]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter

>at
> > >>>>the pearly gates.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must
>each
> > >>>>possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
> > >>>>lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
>of
> > >>>>keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said
>you
> > >>>>may pass through the pearly gates.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The third man started searching desperately through his
>pockets
> > >>>>and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
> > >>>>
> > >>>> St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
>"And
> > >>>> just what do those symbolize?"
> > >>>>
> > >>>> The man replied, "They're Carols".

[piece-it pete]

The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.


Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"

The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife!"


Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.


What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.


How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Domino's Pizza"


Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.


What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."


And, back 'cause I laughed over this for a week:

Q: What's the difference between a run-over snake in the road and a run-over guitarist?
A: The snake could conceivably have been on its way to a gig.


Pete

[jeskibuff]

I saw this awhile ago, but it made it's way back into my email box. It's still good, whether or not you've seen it before!

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division


This is the actual response sent back:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N ; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price:

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several concerns. My first concern is ... aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter .they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have! a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Thank You,

Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers

[trollgirl]

1967
"Heeeeey man, ya got any papers?'

2007
"Where are your papers??!"

[hifitommy]

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, Someone to love.
> > (inside card) After meeting you ... I changed my mind.
> >
> > 2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life .
> > (inside card) I never believed in Hell until I met you.
> >
> > 3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am .
> > (inside card) That you're not here to ruin it for me.
> >
> > 4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go.
> > (inside card) Will you take the knife from my back?
> > You'll probably need it again.
> >
> > 5. Someday I hope to marry .
> > (inside card) Someone other than you.
> >
> > 6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age ...
> > (inside card) Almost life-like!
> >
> > 7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. .
> > (inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time
> > to keep your promise.
> >
> > 8. We've been friends for a very long time .
> > (inside card) What do you say we stop?
> >
> > 9. I'm so miserable without you ..
> > (inside card) It's almost like you're still here.
> >
> > 10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. .
> > (inside card) Did you ever find out who the father was?
> >
> > 11. You are such a good friend, If we were on a sinking ship
> > And there was only one life jacket ...
> > (inside card) I'd miss you terribly, And think of you often.
> >
> > 12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your
> > birthday. . . .
> > (inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.
> >
> > 13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
> > (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia).
> >
> > 14. Looking back over the years, We've been together, I can't help but
> > wonder .
> > (inside card) What was I thinking?
> >
> > 15. Congratulations on your wedding day!. . .
> > (inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.
> >
> > 16. How could two people as beautiful as you .
> > (inside card) Have such an ugly baby?