MasterCylinder
07-15-2004, 01:20 PM
BLUES RULES
Most blues begin “Woke up this morning …”.
“I got a good woman …” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as “with the meanest dog in town.”
Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes … sort of.
“I got a good woman, with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and he weigh 500 pounds.”
The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMWs, or environmental impact statements.
Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation includes a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Only adults can sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Memphis are still the best places to have the blues.
The following colors do not belong in the blues: violet, beige, mauve, and taupe.
You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall -- the lighting is all wrong.
Good places for the blues are: the highway, the jailhouse, an empty bed.
Bad places for the blues are: ski resorts, gallery openings, weekend in the Hamptons, Trump Plaza.
No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man and meet the following criteria:
your first name is a southern state, like Georgia
you’re blind
you shot a man in Memphis (see exception below)
You may NOT wear a suit if:
you were once blind, but now can see
you have a trust fund
you hold elected office
your woman CAN be satisfied
Neither Julio Iglesias, nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
cheap wine
Irish whiskey
muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
any mixed drink
any Kosher wine for Passover
Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
If it occurs in a cheap motel, or shotgun shack, it’s a blues death. Stabbed in the back is a real blues way to die. Other blues ways to die include:
the electric chair
substance abuse
being denied treatment in an Emergency Room
It is NOT a blues death if you die during liposuction treatment.
Some blues names for women include:
Sadie
Big Mama
Bessie
Some blues names for men include:
Joe
Willie
Little Willie
Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia are not permitted to sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
Other blues names (starter kit) include:
a name of a physical deformity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
a name of a fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, or Cripple Willie Johnson
There will be a test.
Most blues begin “Woke up this morning …”.
“I got a good woman …” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as “with the meanest dog in town.”
Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes … sort of.
“I got a good woman, with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and he weigh 500 pounds.”
The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMWs, or environmental impact statements.
Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation includes a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Only adults can sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Memphis are still the best places to have the blues.
The following colors do not belong in the blues: violet, beige, mauve, and taupe.
You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall -- the lighting is all wrong.
Good places for the blues are: the highway, the jailhouse, an empty bed.
Bad places for the blues are: ski resorts, gallery openings, weekend in the Hamptons, Trump Plaza.
No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man and meet the following criteria:
your first name is a southern state, like Georgia
you’re blind
you shot a man in Memphis (see exception below)
You may NOT wear a suit if:
you were once blind, but now can see
you have a trust fund
you hold elected office
your woman CAN be satisfied
Neither Julio Iglesias, nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
cheap wine
Irish whiskey
muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
any mixed drink
any Kosher wine for Passover
Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
If it occurs in a cheap motel, or shotgun shack, it’s a blues death. Stabbed in the back is a real blues way to die. Other blues ways to die include:
the electric chair
substance abuse
being denied treatment in an Emergency Room
It is NOT a blues death if you die during liposuction treatment.
Some blues names for women include:
Sadie
Big Mama
Bessie
Some blues names for men include:
Joe
Willie
Little Willie
Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia are not permitted to sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
Other blues names (starter kit) include:
a name of a physical deformity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
a name of a fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, or Cripple Willie Johnson
There will be a test.