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blackraven
01-28-2013, 09:15 AM
Little Johnny went to the mall with his Grandpa. Johnny got separated from his Grandpa and started crying. A security guard found Johnny and asked him if he was lost. Johnny told him he was with his Grandpa. So the guard ask's him- "what is you Grandpa's name" and Johnny replies- "His name is Grandpa" and then he starts crying again. So the guard consoles Johnny and says- Don't worry we will
find your Grandpa. what's your Grandpa like?" Johnny looks up at him and says-

"Grandpa likes Jack Daniels and Women with big boobs!":lol:

Hyfi
01-28-2013, 09:31 AM
Dentist with a good sense of humor


A gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

markw
01-28-2013, 11:09 AM
The whole family is in awe ofall the stores and fine things available. As usual, the women split off on their own leaving the men to fend for themselves.

They walj around and come to the center wherethere is this large cylandary with four stainless steel doors on each side. Over each dooe there is the top half of a clock with lights where one would expect numbers.

They see the doors open, an extremely large, unarttractive woman walk in. The doors closed, and the lights go to the right. After a bit of time, they see the lights coming back to the left and, when they get to the left most side, the doors slide open a beautiful woman steps out.

Poppa says to the son "Boy, go fetch your momma."

StevenSurprenant
01-28-2013, 06:11 PM
This redneck walks into a bar and immediately notices a large jar full of $5 bills sitting on the counter. After perching on a stool he asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender replies, Well, we have a little contest going on, but it'll cost you $5 to find out what it is. If you win, you get the whole jar of money. After a moment of thought, the redneck says, I'll pass and asks for a beer. A couple of hours pass and a couple dozen bottles of beer finds it's way into his stomach. In a drunken stupor, he leans over the counter and says, Hey bartender, I've changed my mind. Here's my 5 bucks. Now what do I have to do to win this money? The bartender says, there are 3 things you have to do. First, you have to drink this bottle of tequila in under 60 seconds. The second thing you must do is go out back where you will find a pit bull with a bad tooth. You have to remove the tooth. The last thing you have to do is make love to the 90 year old virgin that lives above the bar.

The redneck says okay and turns the bottle of tequila up on end and in just under 60 seconds, it's gone. He gets up from his bar stool and staggers out the back of the bar. Inside the bar they can hear the dog growing, snarling, barking and the screams of the redneck. Fifteen minutes pass and the redneck staggers back into the bar, his clothes ripped to shreds, blood dripping from being bitten and he says, Okay, where's the old lady with the bad tooth?

blackraven
01-28-2013, 10:09 PM
So there is this Walrus driving down the road in his car when he see's steam coming from under the hood. So he drives to the nearest service station and the mechanic says we can take a look at the car and probably have if fixed in an hour or 2. He says to the Walrus, "why don't you go across the street and have lunch at the diner while we fix your car". The walrus says "thats a great idea" and he heads to the diner. After finishing his sandwich and ice cream he heads back to the service station and asks the manager "how's the car?" The service manager says "it looks like you blew a seal". The walrus then wipes something off his face and tastes it and says, "that is just the vanilla ice cream that I had for lunch!:eek6:

blackraven
03-16-2013, 12:28 PM
Joke of the day-

2 Cannibals were eating a Clown. One Cannibal looks at the other and says-

"Does this taste funny to you?":biggrin5:

markw
03-16-2013, 01:30 PM
A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'

So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied....

(wait for it...)

'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

Ba da Boom!

blackraven
03-22-2013, 08:36 AM
Here's an Ole and Lena joke. You have to live in my part of the country (Minnesota, WI, the Dakota's) to appreciate this joke.

Lena and her husband Ole go to a bar and meet Sven. After a few hours of drinking, Lena and Sven disappear. So Ole ask's the bar tender- "have you seen Lena?" The bar tender replies- "I saw her step outside with Sven a little while ago." So Ole steps outside and see's Lena and Sven having sex in the back seat of his car. Ole walks back into the bar and orders and beer. The bar tender asks- "Did you find her?" Ole replies- "She was in the back seat of my car making love to Sven." "Aren't you going to do something" the bar tender replies.

So Ole says-"No, that Sven, he just thinks he's me!"

kushy
04-13-2013, 06:53 AM
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

kushy
04-15-2013, 07:27 AM
Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him. The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it." "That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."

kushy
04-16-2013, 06:38 AM
2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more.

Hyfi
04-16-2013, 06:58 AM
This joke is usually accompanied by a physical and visual so try to imagine after the punch line......

Why do Jehovah Witnesses all have inverted nipples?

Visualize here....

Because of the continued poking in the chest while the homeowner is shouting "Get Off My Porch!"

blackraven
04-16-2013, 08:57 AM
A man carrying a pig walks into his bedroom where his wife is resting and says "Here's the fat pig that I have been sleeping with". His wife then looks up at him and says "you've been sleeping with that pig?" The man replies "shut up, I wasn't talking to you".


Bada Bing!

kushy
04-17-2013, 05:06 AM
A junior in an office dialed his boss's number by mistake & said :
Hey, send a coffee in my cabin in two minutes !......
Boss shouted : do you know whom you're talking to?!!!!!!
... Junior: no!
Boss: i'm the boss of this office.
Junior(in the same tone): & do u know whom you're talking to?
Boss: no!
Junior: thank God.(and disconnected the phone).. ;) :P

kushy
04-25-2013, 06:57 AM
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

kushy
04-30-2013, 05:18 AM
Interviewer: imagine that u r in room with all doors & windows closed & it caught fire, now how can u escape?
Sardar ji: very simple, I'll stop imagining...

kushy
05-16-2013, 08:47 AM
Husband & wife - Love your enemy

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die,
I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy!"
"Yes, I know that. I've suffered all these years; so let him suffer now."

kushy
05-17-2013, 05:24 AM
Why ants dance on Jam bottle.

A: As they are trying to twist the lid to open.

markw
05-17-2013, 05:40 AM
A small, rural West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators remembered Cletus, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Cletus wasn't too bright but it was rumored he possessed ample inventory and the ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

Cletus was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to, errr ...service, the gorilla for $500? Cletus showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Cletus announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, nobody better ever hear about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Cletus, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

blackraven
05-25-2013, 08:40 AM
A 40 year old woman who recently had a face lift goes to the supermarket and asks the guy at the check out counter how old do you think I am? He responds- You don't look a day over 35. She says thank you, I am 40. She then goes and buys some shoe's and asks the salesman how old do you think I am? He responds- Why you don't look a day over 30. She says thank you, I am 40 years old. She then decides to stop by McDonalds to eat some lunch. She pays for the food and decides to ask the cashier how old do you think I am? He responds, why you don't look a day over 29. She giggles with happiness and says- Thank you very much, I am 40 years old.

She then takes her lunch and sits down on a park bench to eat. About this time a bum sits down beside her. She thinks to herself, what the hell and asks the bum how old do you think I am? He replies, I can tell you how old you are but I must feel your breasts. Being curious, she thinks about it and says ok. After a couple of minutes of feeling her breasts he says- You are 40 years old. Astounded she says, that's amazing, you were able to tell how old I was by feeling my breasts. The bum replies, nope, I was standing behind you in line at the McDonalds!

Bada Bing, Bada Boom!

kushy
05-30-2013, 09:05 AM
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him
say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well,
the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?
His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

kushy
06-06-2013, 09:25 AM
A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine died.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

regular donut
06-06-2013, 05:50 PM
Hahah nice one, kushy.

-------

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 40 feet above the ground. You are between 38 and 39 degrees north latitude and between 56 and 57 degrees west longitude.”

You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the man, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost.”

The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going and you made a promise which you have no idea how to keep. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

kushy
06-08-2013, 11:39 PM
3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

kushy
06-10-2013, 10:22 AM
My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."
"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

dingus
06-10-2013, 02:39 PM
if i were to come up with a pet name for my crank, i'd choose Einstein.

that way i'd always be within reach of another stroke of genius.

kushy
06-12-2013, 09:50 AM
A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned
the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a
fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden explained, "What's going to happen is that I go up
the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls." The woman nodded and was surprised
when he handed her the gun. "You know how to use this?" he asked. "I do," she said, "but what's it for?" The warden replied,
"Well ..... sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that happens, I want you to do
one thing." "Shoot the gorilla?" "No," he answered, "the dog."

regular donut
06-18-2013, 09:23 AM
Haha I gotta say. kushy, you're killing me with these jokes. :thumbsup:



One night a guy is driving past a mental hospital and blows a tire. He pulls over to inspect the damage and start changing the tire and sees that one of the patients is watching him through the fence.

The driver puts the nuts into the hubcap and soon enough, accidentally steps on the hubcap, sending the nuts flying.

The guy looks around but he is unable to locate the nuts in the dark.

The patient is still quietly watching him through the fence.

The driver is trying to think of what to do when the the patient says "Take one nut off each of the other tires, secure the fourth tire with three nuts and just drive slowly and carefully until you get to the next town where you can buy four more nuts and properly secure all your tires."

"That's brilliant," says the driver. "Say, what's someone like you doing in an asylum?"

To which the patient replies "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not stupid."

kushy
06-18-2013, 10:43 AM
Nice joke.

kushy
06-19-2013, 01:12 AM
President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

Hyfi
06-24-2013, 04:16 AM
Stole this from another forum because it's pretty funny


Lawyers should never ask a West Virginia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

Hyfi
06-24-2013, 08:35 AM
Another good one


I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,


orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:


"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not

choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid .....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if

you might be my kid."

JohnMichael
07-01-2013, 03:56 PM
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

StevenSurprenant
07-20-2013, 01:47 PM
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

JohnMichael
07-20-2013, 02:13 PM
Steven that is deep.

I worked in a hospital for a number of years and we enjoyed agravating one another. They were talking about giving birth when I asked "Why do they call it labor when you are on your back?" Damn they run fast.

markw
07-22-2013, 05:30 AM
Chelsea Clinton recently said that it's about time they had a woman in the white house. I guess she would know since her father had quite a few of them himself.

Hyfi
07-22-2013, 06:12 AM
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

I dented the gas tank on a 1966 BSA motorcycle with my nuts in an accident. I had problems for 5 or 6 years after that so I will have to agree.

blackraven
07-22-2013, 07:46 AM
I dented the gas tank on a 1966 BSA motorcycle with my nuts in an accident. I had problems for 5 or 6 years after that so I will have to agree.

Ouch!

Hyfi
07-22-2013, 07:53 AM
no, it's more like in a Michael Jackson tone....EEEEeeeh..HEEeeee

frenchmon
07-22-2013, 09:48 AM
Well you know you left you self open for all kinds of scorn and poking fun at don't you, Hyfi? I think I will take the high road on this one.

Hyfi
07-22-2013, 09:59 AM
Well you know you left you self open for all kinds of scorn and poking fun at don't you, Hyfi? I think I will take the high road on this one.

No, which response?

markw
08-16-2013, 11:33 AM
...and you wonder why parents go grey earlier than singles?

blackraven
08-20-2013, 06:39 PM
So this guy is in bed with his wife and she says to him "Have you slept with any other women while we have been married". He replies No, all the others kept me up all night".:smilewinkgrin:

markw
08-23-2013, 09:23 AM
A Radio Station was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali for a week.

The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:

DJ: 96FM, this is Neil,.What's your name?

Caller: Hi Neil, my name's Dave.

DJ: Dave, what is your word?

Caller: Goan, spelled G-O-A-N, pronounced "go-an"

DJ: We are just checking that (…pause) and you are correct, Dave,"goan" is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Sure Neil. Goan f**k yourself!

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

DJ: 96FM, This is Neil. What's your name?

Caller: Hi, my name's Jeff.

DJ: Jeff, what is your word?

Caller: Smee, spelt S M E E, pronounced "smee".

DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, "smee" is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Sure, Neil. Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!

Hyfi
08-26-2013, 10:14 AM
It all makes sense now.

Gay Marriage and Marijuana legalized on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lay with another man, he should be stoned"

We have just been interpreting it wrong all these years.

blackraven
08-26-2013, 11:13 AM
Bad Joke of the day-

What is a Pirate's favorite element-








Arrrrgon!





What is a Pirate's favorite vegetable-









Arrrrrugala!

JohnMichael
08-26-2013, 11:26 AM
A doctor calls his patient

Doctor says "This is not the kind of news I like to give over the phone. Sadly I have bad news and worse news".

The patient says "Well give me the bad news first"

The doctor tells the patient "You only have 24 hours to live".

The stunned patient asks "What could be worse"?

The doctor answers "I was unable to reach you yesterday".

markw
08-27-2013, 07:40 AM
My 12 year-old grand-daughter and I were discussing Disney princesses, one of her favorite subjects and she hits me with this question?

Do you know why Ariel (from "The Little Mermaid") wears sea shells"?

I say, "No, honey, tell me why"?

She says "My friend Rhonda says it's because B shells are too small and D shells are too big. What does she mean"?

So, when I got up off the floor, I called my daughter-in-law to take over from here.

blackraven
08-27-2013, 05:37 PM
My 12 year-old grand-daughter and I were discussing Disney princesses, one of her favorite subjects and she hits me with this question?

Do you know why Ariel (from "The Little Mermaid") wears sea shells"?

I say, "No, honey, tell me why"?

She says "My friend Rhonda says it's because B shells are too small and D shells are too big. What does she mean"?

So, when I got up off the floor, I called my daughter-in-law to take over from here.


That is too funny!

markw
08-30-2013, 05:23 AM
I like dogs too, but I just can't eat a whole one anymore.

blackraven
10-01-2013, 03:32 PM
ITALIAN ALTAR BOY'S CONFESSION





'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl .. . .'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'



"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now.


Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Dominic walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

markw
10-02-2013, 03:21 AM
To all my concerned friends out there:

Feanor
10-02-2013, 04:02 AM
To all my concerned friends out there:
Ha ha!

markw
10-02-2013, 08:58 AM
OK, moving on...

dean_martin
10-02-2013, 11:38 AM
I'm sure Mark has friends who would be concerned if his testicles were injured by a Dyson ball cleaner.

The notion that someone would use a Dyson ball cleaner to clean his testicles is pretty funny. A warning label should be coming soon.

JohnMichael
10-02-2013, 11:41 AM
I'm sure Mark has friends who would be concerned if his testicles were injured by a Dyson ball cleaner.

The notion that someone would use a Dyson ball cleaner to clean his testicles is pretty funny. A warning label should be coming soon.


Now a ball washer on a golf course would also be pretty damned funny.

bfalls
10-02-2013, 07:47 PM
Sorry, my bad. I saw the subject and was looking for something funny. This isn't funny. Reminds me of second grade. Sorry, not getting involved. I'm not getting held in from recess.

ken88
10-05-2013, 08:43 AM
Curtain rods:

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day,
she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were bought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit..
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place..

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth .... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.


She agreed, and within two hours his solicitor delivered the completed paperwork.


A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ..........
and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

ken88
10-05-2013, 08:44 AM
AN ELDERLY ITALIAN, CATHOLIC GENTLEMAN
>
> An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy ,
> went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the
> panel in the confessional, the man said:
>
> "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
> neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
> the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
>
> The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
> need to confess that."
>
> "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.

This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
>
> The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
> you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
> circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,
> if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
>
> "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
> more question."
>
> "And what is that?" asked the priest.
>
> "Should I tell her the war is over? ''


>

JohnMichael
10-05-2013, 08:47 AM
Curtain rods:

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day,
she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were bought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit..
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place..

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth .... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.


She agreed, and within two hours his solicitor delivered the completed paperwork.


A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ..........
and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?


That is an awesome joke. Truly LOL funny. Thanks

Hyfi
10-14-2013, 10:37 AM
Wow, just noticed my friend MarkW is listed as Suspended.

I guess I missed another good Hissy Fit???

blackraven
10-26-2013, 08:07 AM
Did you hear about the Agnostic who has Dyslexia?

He stayed up all night contemplating whether there is a DOG!

blackraven
10-30-2013, 06:32 PM
Here is a You Tube video a friend at work sent me-

It's Not About The Nail - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg)