Bad joke I can't help it!!

[Worf101]

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ****s in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

Worf

[Florian]

Hahha...... a good nasty one :-)

I got an politically incorrect one, the kind of comment Bill Maher got fired for and here it goes:

During a discussion a women remembers the horrible times when here Jewish father was killed by the German Nazis in a concentration camp. She said that the Jewish people where the only ones who suffered and condemned all Germans. In response to that a German spoke up and said: " We had horrible times to during the war! My grandfather died as well". The women responded: "How sad, i am sorry to hear about your loss, how did he die?" And the man answered: "He fell down drunk from a guard tower".....

I told you it was a dirty one.....

[markw]

A Chinese guy walks into a bank to exchange a stack of yuan. He gives it to the teller who then counts out three hundred American Dollars.

The man counts the money and says “Hey. You cheat me. Last week I come bring in same amount of yuan and get four hundred dolla. Why you do this?

The teller looks at the guy and says, politely “fluctuations”.

The Chinese guy scowls and says in, an angry, confrontational fashion “What you say?”

The teller replies, this time a little irritated “Fluctuations! I said FUCTUATIONS!”

The Chinese guy, now really angry, says “Oh Yeah? Well FLUCK YOU, rite boy!”

...think about it for a minute.

[Groundbeef]

Did you know that 51% of all wealthy japanese businessmen have cataracts?

The other 49% have rinken continentals.

:16:

[GMichael]

An 18 year old girl goes away to collage. While there, she gets a call from her dad. He blurts out that her cat had died. She's shocked and in tears. She yells at her dad that he should have more class. He asks why she would say that. She tells him that he should have broken the blow to her a little bit. Maybe call her and tell her that the cat is on the roof and won't come down. Then call back a week later and say that it has fallen from the roof and is with the Vet now. Then a week later call back and say that the cat died. This way she would have time to prepare and it wouldn't have been such a shocking blow to her. He says OK and that he's sorry.

A few weeks later he calls her again. He starts of with, "Your mom is on the roof and won't come down...."

[Groundbeef]

Your Duck is Dead --

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
...
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[markw]

An English explorer decided to explore the mountains of Africa. Before his team went into the jungle, the guide told them about the Yeti.

"You must never go near the Yeti," he told them. "It is a very mean creature, but there is one thing worse then meeting a Yeti, and that is to touch it. For if you touch a Yeti, it will chase you to the ends of the earth and it will not stop until it catches you."

With that warning, the guide led them into the jungle. When it was too dark to go any farther, they made their camp, had dinner, and went to sleep. In the middle of the night our English explorer (we'll call him Throckmorton) heard something outside his tent. He peeked out of his sleeping bag and saw something horrible. It was the silhouette of the Yeti! And it was coming straight toward his tent! Throckmorton was frozen to the spot as the shape started to unzip the tent. He panicked and did something very stupid. He ran straight out the door of the tent, and in doing so, HE CRASHED RIGHT INTO THE YETI !!!

They both froze. Their eyes met, and the yeti let out a blood-curdling howl. Throckmorton started runing down the mountain. The yeti followed Throckmorton as he ran down the mountain. Throckmorton jumped into a car and drove to the nearest airport, charged at the closest plane heading for England, and went home.

Two weeks after the adventure in Africa, Throckmorton was out for an early-morning walk when he saw the Yeti coming up the road! He took off in the other direction, grabbed a bicycle, and rode away as fast as he could go. He came to a car rental place and rented one, and took off again. After he had gone a hundred miles or so he stopped to look behind him. There was the Yeti, still following him!

Throckmorton drove as fast as he could until he came to an airport. He hopped on the first plane leaving. It happened to be going to Ireland. He got to Ireland, hopped on another bike, and rode until the handlebars fell off. He stopped to look behind him and saw… the Yeti. It was STILL following him!

Throckmorton broke out in a run. He ran until the sweat was pouring off him. He ran straight out onto the moor. He ran until he was so pooped he couldn't move. He looked to see if the Yeti was still following him.

It was.

There was nowhere to go so Throckmorton just stood there. He made up his mind to give up. He turned and faced the Yeti bravely.

The Yeti stopped right in front of him and grinned. It reached out its hairy arm and poked Throckmorton in the chest.

"TAG! YOU'RE IT!" it shouted, and ran off in the other direction.

[Worf101]

Thanks to you lot (and you KNOW who you are) my work day is ruint. RUINT I tell you... Those were some funny jokes and the Yeti joke is a classic example of a BIG set up for one cute joke. I'm still laughin'.

Worf