The really bad joke department

[Jim Eck]

Two antennas fell in love and decided to get marrried. On the day of the marriage the marriage ceremony went fine, but the reception was poor.

Thank you, I'll be here all week.


Jim

[ForeverAutumn]

LMAO! Sometimes the funniest jokes are the simple ones. I'm making that my Facebook status. :D

It'll be fun to see how many of my friends don't get it. :rolleyes:

[dingus]

two peanuts were mugged on the street. one was assaulted......

[bobsticks]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on
a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put
the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.. We didn't want
the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The
cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that
the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver
that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we
drove away. 'That stupid witch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with
a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her
by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching
me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back
yard!' .......................

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[luvtolisten]

What did the farmer say after the steamroller ran over his cat?

Nothing...he just stood there with a long puss.

[Jim Eck]

An accident victim woke up in the hospital after a terrible accident.

His attending physician was present and he turned to the Doctorr and said, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs."

The Doctor responded "that is because we had to cut off your arms."

Jim

[ForeverAutumn]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks !!!

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

[Robert-The-Rambler]

Never been used.

[luvtolisten]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks !!!

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :lol:

[luvtolisten]

A man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

[hifi-freak]

lol

and this one:
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. " Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.

[dingus]

a middle-aged married couple were hiking up a canyon trail and the wife needed to relieve herself. with the canyon wall on one side and open space above a river on the other, the wife asked the husband how she could do the job without leaving a puddle on the trail for any followers to see. seeing a branch from an overhanging tree, the husband replied,

"hold on to that branch, stick your tail out and aim for the water."

the wife got into position but held back when she looked down at the water between her legs.

"honey, i cant. there's a canoe down there."

peering down the husband reassured her,

"go ahead dear, its just your reflection."

[Jim Eck]

If they built a Stop n Go convenience store in the middle of a cemetary would they call it a Stop n Stay?

Jim

[dingus]

a man walks into a bar and orders a shot of Johnny Walker Red. upon being served he takes a sip and complains to the bartender that what he has is Jim Beam and that he ordered Johnny Walker Red. the bartender tells the man that he's impressed that he can tell the difference and pours a new shot. the man takes a sip and complains that the new shot is Johnny Walker Black not Red. Smiling, the bartender serves up another shot which the man sips and immediately spits out exclaiming "this is piss!!!", at which the bartender quips, "yeah, but who's?".

[Poultrygeist]

How many Clemson grads does it take to eat a possom? three
one to eat the possom and two to watch for cars

[dingus]

if a couple from Washington State University get married, are they still brother and sister?

[winston]

I'm sure y'all get this one before!!

A woman is brought to court after stealing in a supermarket. "Mrs. Krupnick," says the judge,
"what did you take?" "just a small can of peaches," she answers. "there were only six peaches in the can.".... "six peaches ... hmm ... I sentence you to six nights in jail, a night for each peach."
the woman is crushed. she's about to collapse to floor when her husband seated in the gallery, leaps to his feet.... "your Honor," he shouts, "she also stole a can of peas!,

[thekid]

A blonde walks into a bar -the brunette ducked......

[Jim Eck]

Amish Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

[Florian]

There is a cosmonaut (russian) and an astronaut (american) in a bar.
The cosmonaut says: "We where the first people in outer space"
The astronaut says: "But we where the first people on the moon"
The cosmonaut says: "We are going to be the first people on the sun"
The astronaut says: "How are you going to do that?"
The cosmonaut says: ..............."We will go by night"

-Courtesy of David Cross

[Jim Eck]

Larry Is In The Hospital

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says

"Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies

"I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my

money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going

out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks

anytime you want."

Larry is in the Hospital, room 233.


Jim

[markw]

8 1/2 months pregnant lady has an accident.

No major physical damage but she banged her head pretty bad and she's in a coma for three months.

She wakes up, does the what happened, where am I thing and they tell her she's been in a coma for 3 1/2 months.

She then reaches doen, feels her stomach and screams " MY BABY!!! WHAT HAPPENED TT MY BABY???"

Doctor says "They're fine. We delivered them when they brought you in. Your brother is taking care of them."

"They" "Yes, you had twins - a beautiful, healthy, boy and girl

She says "He's an idiot but since you say they are fine, that's great. When can I name them?"

Doc says "Well, we needed to put something on the birth certificate so we had your brother name them"

She's thinking "this can't be good" but asks "Well, what did he name the girl?

Doc says "Denise".

Se thinks "Not too bad'. She then asks "What did he name the boy?"

Doc says "De nephew"

[Worf101]

Okay everyone line up against the wall, you're all under arrest!!!

Violations of section 2133 of the Penal Code:
Public utterance of turrible jokes.

Additional violations of section 666 covering Public Punage is all pending...

Your're all gonna do hard time for this!!!

Worf

[GMichael]

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?





Two, but the hard part is getting them in there.

[dingus]

whats the weather like in Mexico?

chili today, hot tamale.
(my daughters favorite since she was a little kid...)

[bfalls]

Okay everyone line up against the wall, you're all under arrest!!!

Violations of section 2133 of the Penal Code:
Public utterance of turrible jokes.

Additional violations of section 666 covering Public Punage is all pending...

Your're all gonna do hard time for this!!!

Worf

Good Shaq impersonation. "It wasn't turrible, turrible."

[Ry Manchu]

There are three kinds of people in this world....those that can count and those that cannot.

[Ry Manchu]

A little boy wanted $100.00
very badly and prayed for
weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a
letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received
the letter to God , CANADA, they
decided to send it to the Prime Minister

The Prime Minister was so amused
that he instructed his secretary to
send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The Prime Minister thought this would
appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the
$5.00 bill and sat down to write a
thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for
sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through
OTTAWA, CAN and those a-holes
deducted $95.00 in taxes

[Ry Manchu]

A guy from Quebec and a guy from Toronto are walking down the
beach. They come across a magic lamp, out comes a genie and
says, "I will grant each of you one wish." So the guy from
Quebec says, "I wish for a wall 500 feet high around Quebec so
nobody can bug us again."
GRANTED!
The guy from Toronto says, "Fill it with water."

[Ry Manchu]

02-23-2010, 10:55 AM
Two men are driving through Saskatchewan when they get pulled over by a Mountie.

The Mountie walks up to the car and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver yells, "What the hell was that for?"

The Mountie says, "You're in Saskatchewan son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The quivering driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The Mountie runs a check on the guys license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

The puzzled passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him with the nightstick too.

The passenger yells, "What'd you do that for?!"

The Mountie says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The Mountie says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that a-hole would've tried that **** with me."

[Ry Manchu]

Two guys from Prince George would go moose hunting every year without success. Year after year, they hunted and hunted, but always came home without a moose.


Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They rented a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide inside the costume, lure in a bull moose, then come out of the costume, surprising the moose before shooting it.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, (in their costume), and gave the moose love call. Before long their call was answered by a large bull moose roaming around the edge of the forest. They called again, and the moose answered closer to them. They called again, and the moose answered, then came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the moose's pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, let's get out and get him".

After a moment the guy in the back shouts: "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better brace yourself!"

[Ry Manchu]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to the parking lot and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her snowy situation.

She then remembered her daddy's advice that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough, in a little while, a snowplow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Canadian Tire next.

[Ry Manchu]

A Canadian walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”

The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada.”

The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada?”

The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender says, “A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?”

“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”

[Ry Manchu]

A Canadian was staying in a fancy hotel in Calgary, and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out.

When asked for the reason, the manager said, "because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."

"True," answered the manager, "but you did it while standing on the damn diving board!."

[Ry Manchu]

A Canadian gets drunk and decides to go ice fishing. (This happens all the damn time.) He takes his pole and tackle and goes out on the ice and starts to chop a hole in it. Suddenly he hears a great booming voice coming from above him.

"THERE'S NO FISH THERE."

Startled, the Canadian looks around but can't see where the voice came from. So he staggers a few metres away to a different spot, and again starts chopping a hole in the ice. And AGAIN, the voice booms out.

"THERE'S NO FISH THERE."

The Canadian is spooked, but we're a stubborn people. So he gathers up his gear and staggers to a third spot on the ice. He raises his ice axe, but before he can even start chopping he hears the voice again.

"THERE'S NO FISH THERE EITHER!".

The Canadian looks up and shouts "God? Is that you?"

"NO. THIS IS THE HOCKEY ARENA MANAGER."

[Ry Manchu]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Joe, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[bobsticks]

A Canadian was staying in a fancy hotel in Calgary, and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out.

When asked for the reason, the manager said, "because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."

"True," answered the manager, "but you did it while standing on the damn diving board!."

I think I know that guy!

Thanks for the laughs Ry...

[Hyfi]

I think I know that guy!

Thanks for the laughs Ry...

True story from last weeks vacation. We were at the pool at the Eagle Oaks Club in NJ where you need to have or know someone with a $40k membership. There were two rich snobby gals with a bunch of toddlers in diapers under their bathing suits in the regular pool instead of the kiddie pool when all of a sudden the Lifeguards made everyone get out because one of the little tikes pooped in the pool. They had to shock it with 10x the normal amount of chlorine and they never said a word to the stupid mothers whos kid/s did it.

[bobsticks]

Ah, the freedom to be petulant...God bless America.

[GMichael]

True story from last weeks vacation. We were at the pool at the Eagle Oaks Club in NJ where you need to have or know someone with a $40k membership. There were two rich snobby gals with a bunch of toddlers in diapers under their bathing suits in the regular pool instead of the kiddie pool when all of a sudden the Lifeguards made everyone get out because one of the little tikes pooped in the pool. They had to shock it with 10x the normal amount of chlorine and they never said a word to the stupid mothers whos kid/s did it.

That's no joke.

[markw]

Could some joker have slipped some Baby Ruth bars into the pool?

[GMichael]

Could some joker have slipped some Baby Ruth bars into the pool?

Were they pre-melted?

[Smokey]

Being lazy :D

http://www.rgbpicture.com/img/funny/laziness/laziness02.jpg

http://www.rgbpicture.com/img/funny/laziness/laziness05.jpg

http://www.rgbpicture.com/img/funny/laziness/laziness12.jpg

[markw]

Old seamus was dying, so he called his son over to his deathbed and says "You know the forest around our house boy?"

His son says "Yes, I know it father."

Seamus replies "I planted that forest, tree by tree, with me own two hands. took me two long hard years to plant that forest. but do they call me seamus the forest planter? No, they don't.

You you know the fence around our house boy? " His son nods. ""I built that fence with me own two hands. took six long months to build that fence hell I've built most of the fences around town, but do they call me seamus the fence builder? No, they don't.

You see this house that you grew up in boy?" The son says "I see it father" So seamus says " "Ibuilt this house, just me, with me own two hands! I worked 3 long hard years to build this house. But nobody ever called me seamus the house builder!

...but you fluk one goat. . ."

[markw]

A lady found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, don't ride your bicycle for about a week."

[GMichael]

Two old ladies were at the bus stop. They were both smoking (as some people still do). Then it started to rain. One old ladies' cigarette was drenched and ruined. The other one pulled out a condom, snipped off the end of it with scissors, then pulled it over her cigarette to keep it dry. The first old lady was impressed. So she walked across the street to the drug store. Once in there she asked the pimply faced kid behind the counter for some condoms. He was a little in shock that such an old lady would need a condom. After clearing his throat he asked, what size would you like? She thought for a moment and then asked him if he had any that would fit a camel. The kid fainted.

[markw]

Three morons are walking down the street.

They all notice a small pile of soft brown, steaming, smelly stuff with a dog walking away from it in their path.

The first one says: "That looks like dog ****." They all nod at each other.

He then bends over, picks up a little bit, rubs it between his fingers and says: "It sure feels like it."

The second one bends over, picks up a piece, holds it to his nose and says: "It sure smells like it."

The third one bends over, picks up a little piece, tastes it and says: "It sure tastes like it."

They all look at each other, nod, and the first one says "Boy, I'm sure glad we didn't step in it."

[markw]

Hey, these last three plsts were not only exactly the same, they were long and, worst of all, not even funny!

JM, when you put them out of our misery, please kill this one as well.

[JohnMichael]

Since I was here deleting spam I thought I would share an old joke.


A father arrives home from work and his young son runs up to him all excited.

The father asks "son why are you so upset"?

The son replies "mom almost went to Heaven".

"Why do you think she was going to Heaven" the father asks?

"Mom was on the bed yelling Jesus I'm coming and if Uncle Joe had not been holding her down I think she would have made it" said his son.

[bobsticks]

Really, really bad? While eating at a restaurant called Galileo's, I once suggested that the shrimp omelet with cheese should be called "Eppur Sea Mooo-ve."