Joke of Day

[Smokey]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - Th ese men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Hou sework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. http://www.iranunited.com/forums/smilies/rofl.gif

[luvtolisten]

Good one! :biggrin5:
Do you have the address to that second store?

[Smokey]

I do. And if you visit make sure to check out third floor also. I think that floor has wives that love sex, have money, like beer AND play golf :devil:

[02audionoob]

On the 4th floor are the women who love sex, have money, like beer, play golf and make a mean lasagna.

[Smokey]

That must be the floor where guys with big bellys hang out :D

[Happy Camper]

That's well designed tool sheds.

A magician was performing on a cruise ship for dinner entertainment. The captain has a parrot at his table. The bird was catching on to his tricks and would holler "It's behind his back", "It's up his sleeve". Well the magician was getting annoyed because the crowd was laughing at the bird.

The ship hits an iceberg and sinks.

The magician wakes up on a piece of floating debris to see the parrot on the other end locked in a stare on him. Well the magician was not going to back away and stares back.

This goes on for three days until finally the parrot ask's, "OK I give, where's the ship?"

[luvtolisten]

On the 4th floor are the women who love sex, have money, like beer, play golf and make a mean lasagna.

Ah, to dream the impossible dream!

[Worf101]

A Male Patient Is Lying In Bed In The Hospital, Wearing An Oxygen Mask Over His Mouth And Nose, Still Heavily Sedated From A Difficult Four Hour Surgical Procedure


A Young Student Nurse Appears To Give Him A Partial Sponge Bath.

'nurse' He Mumbles, From Behind The Mask
'are My Test1cles Black?'
Embarrassed, The Young Nurse Replies

'i Don't Know,sir.'
I'm Only Here To Wash Your Upper Body.'

He Struggles To Ask Again,

'nurse, Are My Test1cles Black?'

Concerned That He May Elevate His Vitals From Worry About His Test1cles, She Overcomes Her Embarrassment And Sheepishly Pulls Back The Covers.

She Raises His Gown, Holds Them And Inspects Them
Lifting And Moving Them Around And Around Gently.

Then, She Takes A Close Look And Says,
'no Sir, They Aren't And I Assure You, There's Nothing Wrong With Them, Sir !!'

The Man Pulls Off His Oxygen Mask, Smiles At Her And Says Very Slowly,

'thank You Very Much. That Was Wonderful, But Listen

Very, Very Closely..... .

' A R E - M Y - T E S T - R E S U L T S -b A C K ?'

[GMichael]

On the 4th floor are the women who love sex, have money, like beer, play golf and make a mean lasagna.
And the 5th floor has women who love sex, have money, like beer, play golf, make a mean lasagna and won't sleep with your best friend.

[JohnMichael]

5,000 men were surveyed.

They were asked what was their favorite aspect of oral sex.

4 percent enjoyed the warmth.
5 percent enjoyed the sensation.

91 percent enjoyed the silence.

[GMichael]

5,000 men were surveyed.

They were asked what was their favorite aspect of oral sex.

4 percent enjoyed the warmth.
5 percent enjoyed the sensation.

91 percent enjoyed the silence.

Duck!....

[Auricauricle]

I'm lockin' up the peanut butter jar....!

[Luvin Da Blues]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a

safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
di*k goes underneath the horse, not on top.

[3LB]

.
.
.
.
.
.
to Cheetah

[Jim Eck]

Atlanta Airport


Overheard at Hartsfield International

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511. You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R.

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711. You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. Allah is Great."

Pause

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now, and tell Allah "hey" for us!"

[Jim Eck]

The front of the ship fell off!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ

[Jim Eck]

Little child's prayer


Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer...... Amen.

[Jim Eck]

Novice for the first time Replies:wink5:
Hi, welcome!

Jim

[blackraven]

A husband and wife were sitting and watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet that there's not one thing you can say to me that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis...":yikes:

[Auricauricle]

Rum...BUMP!

[Auricauricle]

Freaking terrorists!

This bulletin just in from She Who Must Be Obeyed....

TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK -

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a
calculator.. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not
identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of
math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer
to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us
more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not
recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President;
It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow----

[pixelthis]

Freaking terrorists!

This bulletin just in from She Who Must Be Obeyed....

TEACHER ARRESTED IN NEW YORK -

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a
calculator.. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not
identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of
math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer
to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us
more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not
recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President;
It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow----


Good one, but I Am more visualy oriented...:1:

[ForeverAutumn]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.









"We're getting granite counter tops."

[JohnMichael]

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.






"We're getting granite counter tops."





Good choice since granite countertops stay young looking and are hard forever.

[GMichael]

Good choice since granite countertops stay young looking and are hard forever.

Quartz is better. Non porous, less maintenance, heat resistant, hard as diamonds and costs less because it is man made.

[Auricauricle]

It's a terrible thing...when your One and Only...is taken for granite.

[JohnMichael]

It's a terrible thing...when your One and Only...is taken for granite.





ROTFLMAO, thanks Auricauricle!

[GMichael]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow`s final exam. `Now class, I won`t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that`s it, no other excuses whatsoever!` A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, `What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?` The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, `Well, I guess you`d have to write the exam with your other hand.`

[Auricauricle]

A teacher is introducing her class to words for vocabulary building. She writes the word "urinate" on the board and looks around the room. Little Johnny raises his hand, but she looks for another student, knowing Johnny's sense of humor. When no one comes forth with an answer, she relents and lets Johnny do his worst.

"Well, teach," he says, crossing his fingers, "Urinate. But if you had a bigger bust, you'd be a ten!"

[JohnMichael]

In class a student was asked to spell and use dictate in a sentence. After spelling the world correctly he looked at the prettiest girl in class and asked her how his dic tate last night.

[Auricauricle]

You didn't go there! Grooooooaaaannnn!