Joke of the day!

[blackraven]

Here's one for all you Irishmen out there.

The press was interviewing a retiring Irish soccer star one day and they were asking him about all the money he had made. He replied, "I've made a fortune during my career. I've spent 90% on women and drink. The other 10% I blew.":lol: :lol: :lol:

[JohnMichael]

Show me four good Irishmen and I will show you a fifth.

[Rich-n-Texas]

I'm Irish! I'll take that fifth! :yesnod:

[RoadRunner6]

I like it, I like it! I'm Irish also. Good one BR!

[Luvin Da Blues]

I'm part Irish. I'll Just help you with that fifth, if that's alright?

[thekid]

Everyone in a small Irish town gathers together at the local pub for a traditional Irish funeral/wake. As the mourners file by the coffin they put a few coins in so the dearly departed can buy a pint or two when he reaches the other side. O'Hara the town braggart stands up and announces "Whatever amount of money you put in the coffin I will double". Well some of the townspeople gather together and figure this is their chance to shut old O'Hara up once and for all so they all begin to empty their pockets and put the money in the coffin. The mayor counts it all up and announces "There is 500 pounds here Mr. O'Hara, let's see you double that!" O'Hara walks over to the coffin and asks what was the deceased's name? " Paddy O'Shea", replies the somewhat confused Mayor. O'Hara takes the money from the Mayor and puts it in his pocket. As the crowd begins to protest he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a small pad and begins to scribble on it . "Here you go Paddy, a check written on my account down at the Bank of Ireland for a 1,000 pounds! It's good anywhere you go!" and with a tip of his cap he leaves the stunned crowd to enjoy their wake.

[blackraven]

Good one!

[Auricauricle]

What did the sadist say to the masochist?

"No."

[JohnMichael]

What did the sadist say to the masochist?

"No."





......but was either of them Irish?

[blackraven]

Here's one for Easter.

What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water?

Its going to take a long time to get me hard, I just got laid by a chick!

Badda Bing!

[thekid]

One from my son.....

How do confuse an archeologist?

Give them a used Tampax and ask to tell you what period its from.

High school humor.....you gotta love it..... :)

[bobsticks]

A guy walks into a Dublin library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye haav eni books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"Bugger off, ye’ll no bring it back!"

[JohnMichael]

A guy walks into a Dublin library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye haav eni books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"Bugger off, ye’ll no bring it back!"





ROTFLMAO, I think we have a winner.

[Auricauricle]

......but was either of them Irish?

Sorry, folks:

What did the sadist Protestant say to the masochist Catholic?

"Ar bith."

Okay, okay...

What did the constipated mathematician do?

Worked it out with his pencil.

[Luvin Da Blues]

Q: What are they doing about the mysterious hole discovered at the Carefree Nudist Camp?














A: Nothing -- the police won't look into it. :rolleyes5:

[Luvin Da Blues]

And if your like another bad and old joke



Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hysterically hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton's asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

[GMichael]

An elderly Irish couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn`t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: `Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.` The old man faxed back: `Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.`

[bobsticks]

A Catholic Priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar...


...and that's just the first guy!! :7:

[thekid]

An Italian women,Jewish women and a Black women are on a plane flying over the Pacific. The captain announces that due to an engine failure they are going to have to ditch the plane. The Italian women gets up reaches into her carry-on bag and just starts to cover herself with gold bracelets, necklaces etc. and then sits down. The other women ask "Why did you do that?" The Italian women replies "They searchers will see all the shiny gold and they will come and rescue me." The Jewish women gets up,reaches into her bag and starts covering herself from head to toe with dollar bills and then sits down. The other two ask "Why did cover yourself with money?". The Jewish women replies that they will see all the money and rescue me first." Finally the Black women stands up and takes off all of her clothes and then sits down. The other women ask "Why did you do that?" The Black women replies " Everyone knows that when a plane crashes they look for the Black box first".

[GMichael]

An 88 year old grandma writes a letter to her granddaughter:

Dear Susie,

The other day I went up to our local christian book store and saw a "honk if you love jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy am I glad I did! I've had uplifting experiences since I did.

I was stopped at a redlight at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about jesus and how wonderful he is I didn't notice the light turn green.

It's a good thing someone else loves jesus becuase if he didn't honk I never would have realized.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy and then leaned out the car window and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! GO! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST JUST GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida behind me cause he kept yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving to me in a funny way with just his middle finger in the air.

Your little brother was in the backseat so I asked him what it meant.

He said it was probably a hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from hawaii before. So I leaned out the window and gave him the hawaiian good luck sign right back.

He burst out laughing. I was overjoyed, even your brother was feeling the love of Jesus!

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask me what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light change.

So grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters and drove off through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we have shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time before I drove away.

Praise the lord for such wonderful folks!

Write back soon, Love Granny

[GMichael]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;=2 0pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S.. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

[Auricauricle]

Sheet, man, that's rich!!

[RoyY51]

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end (not really). This is an actual account
as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.


Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from
all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[bobsticks]

That's so funny. i couldn,t stop to laughing.


Oncoming SPAM alert....the potential be huge...

[ForeverAutumn]

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.

That's the one that got me started. By the time I finished Lisa's Legal Lip Remover, I had a steady stream of tears flowing down my face from laughing.

If this thread were a contest, that one just put Roy in the lead!

[GMichael]

Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow. Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Marc and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" Marc thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

[GMichael]

There was this middle aged women visiting her friend who is a doctor. She eventually said, "I'm having trouble with my husband. We still get along fine, but he never wants to do it anymore. Is there anything I can do?"
The doc says sure, we can fix that now. He writes her a prescription and tells her to just put one of these in his coffee in the morning. I think you'll be happy with the results. So, she runs out and has the prescription filled. The next morning, she does as told and drops one in his coffee. That night, when he came home, they made out like crazy, but still no happy ending. The next day, she dropped in two. That night it happened. But still, it was only like 5 minutes and she didn't get to finish. The next morning, she said screw it. Lets go for broke, and put the rest of the bottle in his coffee. That afternoon, her friend the doc called to see how they were doing. Their 12 year old son had answered the phone. The boy said to the doc, "How are we doing? I'LL TELL YA HOW WE'RE DOIN! My mom is dead. Sis left home. My butt hurts like hell, and dad is out front stark naked going, here kitty kitty......here kitty kitty....

[Luvin Da Blues]

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."

The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

[Auricauricle]

Awright, lessee here....

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining of difficulty getting aroused. The doctor winks nodding towards his examining table and motioning with his finger. "Come this way," he says.

She turns red and nearly yells, "If I could come that way I wouldn't be here, buster!"

[GMichael]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

---------------------------------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

-----------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

-----------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

-----------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez..
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-----------------------------------

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

-----------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'

-----------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one..' He's still in intensive care.

-----------------------------------

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there."

[Auricauricle]

The insurance salesman parks his car in front of an old farmhouse. As he approaches the porch, he feels something brush his leg. Looking down, he's shocked to see a pig with a wooden leg ambling through. When the door opens and the farmer inquires about his intentions and the introductions have been made, the salesman inquires: "What happened to your pig?"

"We-ll," the farmer drawls, "that's one special pig. Last week the house caught fire, The pig saw what was happening, dragged us all outta bed and called 911. Just in time, as you can see." He motions to the still intact house.

"But..."

"About a year ago," he continues, "the combine flipped on my number one boy. Pig came over and pulled him outta under it and put a splint on his leg and treated him for shock."

"Amazing! But..."

"And my number two boy was out in the pond on his boat, fishin'. Well, the boat capsized, doncha know. Pig was by the bank, jumped in the warter and grabbed him up by the scruff of the neck and pulled him ashore and gave him mouth to mouth (more like mouth the snout) and CPR until he came to. Smart pig, he is!"

"But what about his leg?"

"You don't think we would eat 'im all at onced, do you?"

[GMichael]

It was the last day of school and all the kids were bringing presents for their teacher. Since she knew their parents` professions, she had a pretty good idea of what her students had brought her. The daughter of a florist came up and gave the teacher a box. "I`ll bet it`s flowers," the teacher said. "How did you know?" the girl asked. "Just a lucky guess," the teacher replied as she opened the box and found a large bouquet inside. Next, the son of a candy shop owner gave the teacher a box. "I`ll bet it`s candy," the teacher said. "How did you know?" the boy asked. "Just a lucky guess," the teacher replied as she opened the box and found an assortment of chocolates and other confections inside. Next, the son of a liquor store owner gave the teacher a box, but one of the box`s corners was damp from a leak. "I`ll bet it`s wine," the teacher said. "Nope," replied the boy. The teacher touched her finger to the leak and tasted it. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "Nope," replied the boy, now a little giddy that he was the only one who appeared to be able to stump the teacher. The teacher lifted the box over her head and licked the leak. "Is it gin?" she asked. "Nope," replied the boy, smiling. "I give up," said the teacher. "What is it?" The boy happily exclaimed, "A puppy!"

[GMichael]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls , but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed , and to alleviate further confusion , the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys , being met by your wife with a broom , and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys , smelling of perfume and beer , lipstick on your collar , slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next , Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking , there is no difference in the outcome , since both ultimately result in death.

[budgetaudio76]

Yall had me lol, especially your jokes gmicheal. I needed some laughs.

[GMichael]

Grassyass.

[GMichael]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued," Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren`t for me. They`re for him. He`s my brother. He`s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can`t do either."

[Auricauricle]

Awwww...

The horny, old bitty goes to the bar for a midnight rendezvous at local pub. She is dismayed by lack of entertainment, and settles at the bar for a nip. She takes a few sips and notices movement amid the bottles. She takes another drink and watches as a frog, who hops inside a bottle, leaps against the glass.

She motions to the bartender. "What is that?" she asks, pointing to the frog.

"Oh this?" says the man. He raises an eyebrow and places the bottle before the woman and she sees the initials written on its label.

"PEF?" she askes impressed and facinated.

"Well, yes," the bartender blushes. "Putty-tat Eating Frog."

"No!"

"Oh, yes. Just show him your...and he'll go right for it. He's a frog, y'know..."

"No...."

"Yes."

"Disgusting!"

"But gratifying. Fifty bucks, you take him to the back room for a whirl."

She ponders and orders a double. Still, no sign of improvement among the clientele. "Aw right," she says rising. "I'll do it." She pays the bartender the money and goes to the back room.

In five minutes she returns flushed and exasperated. "This frog is useless!" she hisses.

"What happened?"

"He just looked at me! I showed him my kitty and he just hopped around the room! Useless! I demand a refund at once!"

The bartender holds a calming hand up. "I'm sure there is nothing wrong with the frog. Let's take a look."

They proceed together to the back room. After the lady demonstrates the failed frog, she looks to the bartender expectantly.

Without missing a beat, the bartender picks up the frog and stares at it intently. "Aw right, George! What is this? I am dissapointed boy! I'll show you how, one more time....!"

[RoyY51]

"God, why did you make women so beautiful?"
God says:"so you would love them"
Man says to God:" OK...but why did you make them so dumb?"
God says:"so they would love you!"

[3LB]

A hooker walks up to a preist on the street and says,
"Hey, Father, how 'bout some head for 50 bucks?"
the befuddled preist looks at her and walks on...
he gets back to his parrish and asks an approaching nun,
"Sister, excuse me, but what's 'head'?"
she says, "50 bucks, same as downtown".

[bobsticks]

An old man went into confession and told the priest, "Father, I'm
81 and married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I
had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice!"

"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in
confession?"

"Never, Father," replied the old man. "I'm Jewish."

"So why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody!!"

[Luvin Da Blues]

There was a Packers fan with a really lame seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

[Auricauricle]

A man goes to the bar to have a drink after a bad day at work. He nurse his beer and spies a young Oriental man sitting next to him. He takes a swig from the beer and cries, "You Chinese are the lowest of the low!"

"Huh?"

"You heard me. Thanks to you, the world is a mess..."

"What?"

"Because of you, Pearl Harbor was destroyed! Be..."

"Whoa, partner! I am Chinese, true, but that was a Japanese attack; not Chinese."

"Hmph!"

"Learn your history."

"Yeah...Japanese, Chinese. What's the difference?"

They sit at the bar quietly. At last, the Chinese man explodes, "What is your background?"

"Huh?"

"You know...Are you Irish, German...?"

"I'm Jewish," the man replies.

"Well, you guys are just awful!"

"Really," the man says, puffing up indignantly.

"You sank the Titanic!"

"Is that so? How do you figure?"

"Guy named Goldberg did it! History Channel said so!"

The man takes a shot of beer. "Listen, Bub, I don't like your tone. Furthermore, it was not a man named Goldberg. It was an iceberg!"

"Hmph....Iceberg, Goldberg! What's the difference?"

[ForeverAutumn]

"Hmph....Iceberg, Goldberg! What's the difference?"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Luvin Da Blues]

Not a Joke but good for a laugh anyway........

Woman Sues Quaker Oats Because She Thought A Captain Crunch Crunchberry Was A Real Berry And She Learned It Isn't
Ate them for 4 years for better health. In other news, eating Captain Crunch Crunchberries cereal does not improve mental health


Janine Sugawara of California was shocked to learn that the "crunchberries" in Captain Crunch Crunchberries cereal are not real berries. She had been eating them for better health for four years.


Whilst most people would be too embarrassed to tell anyone they had believed such a stupid thing, Sugawara went and filed a class action lawsuit against Quaker Oats, claiming that they purposely deceived "reasonable" people into believing that crunchberries were a real fruit. Can you have a "class" of one?

While we are all fed up by the number of stupid lawsuits which are allowed to progress, and which often end with ridiculous awards, our hero, US District Judge, Morrison C. England, Jr., immediately dismissed the suit writing,


"Under normal circumstances, when this Court grants a Motion to Dismiss, the Plaintiff is given a reasonable period of time, usually twenty (20) days, in which to file an amended complaint. In this case, however, it is simply impossible for Plaintiff to file an amended complaint stating a claim based upon these facts. The survival of the instant claim would require this Court to ignore all concepts of personal responsibility and common sense.The Court has no intention of allowing that to happen."


The specific reasons for the dismissal include:

"Defendant chose the moniker `Crunchberries' for its brightly colored cereal balls. As far as this Court has been made aware, there is no such fruit growing in the wild or occurring naturally in any part of the world.


Sugawara's attorney had previously failed in an attempt to sue Kellogg under a similar Fruit Loops action. This makes him a cereal frivolous lawsuit filer.

[Auricauricle]

And we all wonder why there are ...so many...cereal killers.

[GMichael]

Capt'n Crunch & Tony the Tiger beware.

[ForeverAutumn]

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biochemistry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "Around 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, fast cars, baseball, super models, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Duuuh, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly.

"So...............you gonna follow the Leafs again this year?"

[Auricauricle]

...start getting the sickness when we are quite young and impressionable...

[ForeverAutumn]

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her :

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

[markw]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

Morale of this story: Grandma needs cable.

[GMichael]

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ',and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.