The birds and the bees!

[L.J.]

So I have an interesting question for you guys. I have a curious 10 year old and I feel it's about time to sit down and have a chat with the little guy. I'd rather he hear it from me than one of his school mates. And this is assuming he doesn't already know :frown2:

So my question is.....when did you get the talk or did you?

I didn't. I had to umm....learn on my own :biggrin5:

[Luvin Da Blues]

I was given a couple of books. :confused: But they did have pictures. :ihih:

[Rich-n-Texas]

Still got them? :idea:

[Groundbeef]

Definatly have a good chat.

When I was a wee lad, my mother sat me down and gave me the entire chat. I frankly don't know how she did it, but I got the whole picture. I mean I knew everything there was to know about sex. In fact, in 6th grade, we had a quiz to 'test" our knowledge, and then a private 1-1 discussion with a teacher to go over the answers, and correct any misconceptions.

I was the only one that had ever scored a 100%. I think I knew more than the teacher!

That said, the talk is much easier in the abstract. Set aside about 1 hour. Walk through it slowly, and dispell with the "baby talk". Clinical talk is easier, rather than slang.

Depending upon your particular religious beliefs there are some very good Christian "Sex Talk" books. My wife has used them with our daughters. We previewed them before hand, as I didn't want an over-emphais on abstinance or other nonsense. They mainly stressed "marital" relations versus live-in or casual sex.

One thing to keep in mind, at 10 he may already feel that he "knows" everything, or be embarrassed to be discussing it. There will probably be much giggling, and blushing.

I would also consider discussing other methods of sex, as well as negative consequences. I don't think you need pictures of "sick willies" but it is important to discuss that there are dangers to having casual sex with many partners. Although it may be uncomfortable, the dangers of oral sex should also be discussed. Many kids today do not consider oral sex to be "sex".

Birth Control should not be avoided either (IMHO). Rather than a tacit approval to have sex, I think that one should be educated to prevent disease, or pregnancy.

Remember, talking to your child about sex is always difficult. Sitting in the waiting room, while his girlfriend delivers the unintended baby is even more difficult. I would opt for the first choice!

[Auricauricle]

I got The Talk one afternoon after my mother prevailed upon my dad to do so. By that time, I had heard quite alot about "doing it" from "knowledgeable" friends and inferring the rest from certain jokes. He simply asked me what I knew, and after I told him (with my eyes focused on a pattern on the rug), he said simply: "If you get a girl pregnant, it will be your responsibility." After that, the refrain "Don't get anybody pregnant" was intoned whenever I went out. The phrase made my mother blush--which pleased Dad enormously--and reminded me to keep my One-and-Only within the confines of my undies.

The only thing I would add to Beefy's comments is to ask your child how much he knows already. Again, "giggling and blushing" may attend the answer, but it will give you a launch pad for your discussion and give you a sense of the terms he uses and of his perception.

[basite]

One point I would add, is to stress the fact that at the age of 10, it is too early to have a sexual relationship with someone, and that when the urge to try 'it' comes, that they should always think it over, and talk about it with someone they can trust. Accidents happen real quick, and as Groundbeef already mentioned, it's even more difficult to sit in the waiting room, while his girlfriend delivers the unintended baby...
Tell him that in a few years he will come in to the puberty, and that his body will start to change and all that, and again, that it's important to think twice when all those hormones are starting to kick in...

at the age of 10, though, in the current society, it's most likely for him to already know a thing or 2...

Keep them spinning,
Bert.

[GMichael]

When I was 18, my dad asked me if I needed to have "the talk". I told him he was too late.

[audio amateur]

When I was 18, my dad asked me if I needed to have "the talk". I told him he was too late.
:lol:

[ForeverAutumn]

I never had "the talk" with either of my parents. The closest I got was a discussion with my mother about my period. But it didn't include any birds and bees stuff. I learned what I learned through sex-ed at school, through friends or through personal experience.

From a female perspective, don't just go through the technical aspects of sex with your son. Talk to him about relationships and respecting his girlfriends. I remember watching something on TV recently where they were talking about this subject with a family. One of the things that the parents did with their daughters was to have the Dad take the daughter out for lunch and talk to her about how she deserves to be treated by a boy. And that any boy who didn't treat her with respect didn't deserve to be with her. This is a great talk to have with boys too. How they should expect to be treated by their girlfriends and how their girlfriends should expect to be treated by them. Talk to him about mutual respect in relationships. You may think that he's a bit young for this, but 10 is the age when kids start holding hands and experimenting with kissing. He may be many years from going "all the way", but it's never too early to learn respect IMO.

Thinking back to the boyfriends that I had before my mid-20s, this is something that many guys just don't understand (or don't care about) until they are older. And that's unfortunate.

[audio amateur]

From a female perspective, don't just go through the technical aspects of sex with your son. Talk to him about relationships and respecting his girlfriends. I remember watching something on TV recently where they were talking about this subject with a family. One of the things that the parents did with their daughters was to have the Dad take the daughter out for lunch and talk to her about how she deserves to be treated by a boy. And that any boy who didn't treat her with respect didn't deserve to be with her. This is a great talk to have with boys too. How they should expect to be treated by their girlfriends and how their girlfriends should expect to be treated by them. Talk to him about mutual respect in relationships. You may think that he's a bit young for this, but 10 is the age when kids start holding hands and experimenting with kissing. He may be many years from going "all the way", but it's never too early to learn respect IMO.

Thinking back to the boyfriends that I had before my mid-20s, this is something that many guys just don't understand (or don't care about) until they are older. And that's unfortunate.
Very good points. That's something my parents have always stressed.

[GMichael]

Treating others with respect is something that should be taught all along. No need to wait until a certain age or particular talk. Golden rule number one: Do on to others as you would have them do on to you.

[audio amateur]

Treating others with respect is something that should be taught all along. No need to wait until a certain age or particular talk. Golden rule number one: Do on to others as you would have them do on to you.
Sure, however it's important to stress it with relationships.

[L.J.]

Great points guys!!!! I'm taking notes :)

[GMichael]

I've found that it's the guys (and gals these days) who disrespect most everyone, who are also the ones who treat their significant others the worst. If they are taught to treat everyone with respect, then it will translate into treating the ones they are in relationships with the same way, if not better.

Edit: And it all starts with how you treat others and your significant other. Kids learn by watching you.

[L.J.]

Unbelievable!!!!!!! Turns out the little guy has a #$%^*(* girlfriend already!!!!!! My wife and I are completely shocked. And I thought I knew my own kid. Little girls started calling the house about a week ago and we thought nothing of it. Well we decided to listen in on one of the conversations and WOW!!!! He still seems to be pretty innocent(although he asked one of the girls for a hug next time he sees her:frown2: ) and in this situation he is being pressured by the girls. They were pressuring him to hug them and get this......hug for more than 5 seconds!!! Can you believe that @#%^&. They are freakin 10. I didn't start that stuff til I was 16. He doesn't know what we heard and he is about to get a looooooooong talk. No yelling, just a honest open discussion. I still can't believe it. The boy gets straight A's and for the most part, he's a very respectful kid. Guess it doesn't help that he looks just like his old man. Damn me and my cursed good looks!!!!!

[GMichael]

It looks like it's getting harder and harder to shelter kids these days. Even the Disney channel is filled with shows that have pre-teens dating. What's a parent to do? Good luck with that talk.
Oh, and yeah, you are kinda cute. Don't don't tell any of the guys that I said so.

[ForeverAutumn]

Unbelievable!!!!!!! Turns out the little guy has a #$%^*(* girlfriend already!!!!!! My wife and I are completely shocked. And I thought I knew my own kid. Little girls started calling the house about a week ago and we thought nothing of it. Well we decided to listen in on one of the conversations and WOW!!!! He still seems to be pretty innocent(although he asked one of the girls for a hug next time he sees her:frown2: ) and in this situation he is being pressured by the girls. They were pressuring him to hug them and get this......hug for more than 5 seconds!!! Can you believe that @#%^&. They are freakin 10. I didn't start that stuff til I was 16. He doesn't know what we heard and he is about to get a looooooooong talk. No yelling, just a honest open discussion. I still can't believe it. The boy gets straight A's and for the most part, he's a very respectful kid. Guess it doesn't help that he looks just like his old man. Damn me and my cursed good looks!!!!!

LOL! A hug for more than 5 seconds! I know that this is serious stuff...but it's just so darn CUTE!

I'm not surprised that the girls are chasing him. Besides his obvious inherited charm, girls mature faster than boys and are more open about their emotions.

[bfalls]

It's never too early to have the "audio" talk with your son. I agree you don't want him to learn about audio from the street. He may pick up bad habits, like listening to Bose. Next thing you know he's buying a Wave Radio, or a Lifestyle system.:yikes: NIP IT IN THE BUD!

If you do catch him listening to Bose, make him listen to a pair of 301's, or one of their ".2" systems for hours and hours, untill he can't take it anymore (OK maybe minutes and minutes should be enough. We don't want to be cruel). That will break him. :cryin:

[Auricauricle]

I agree with b:

Geeze, this place is getting sleazier and sleazier!

Well, at least you can make sure your son has access to respectable gear. I mean flashy and dolled-up amps have their appeal, but then we grow up. Like my pop always reminded me: It's all about family. Would you bring some gaudy, pimped-up amp to meet Mom and Dad? No. Get a nice, good looking amp from a respectable family....

;)

[RoyY51]

When I was 15 my Dad called me into his room and we both sat on the bed. He said it was time that we had a talk about sex. He then asked me if there was anything I didn't know about it. When I responded: "no", he thought about it for a second, said: "okay", and got up and left. I think he was as relieved as I was.

[L.J.]

Well my wife and I made a list and discussed all sorts of different topics with him. Sex, cigs, drugs, alcohol, girls, safety, honesty...you name it. It took maybe an hour or so. He responded well and did tell the truth when asked questions that we knew the answer to.

We're going to start having a 15 minute family meeting once per week to discuss what's going on in his world and answer any questions.

"audio talk".....u guys are funny. I'll get right on that :prrr:

[elapsed]

The Bird and the Bee, great band!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drhFLc3Jm48
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDlEXQaMBpk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_3hRLv-ZC4

Anyways with kids, just be straight up and honest. I can't for the life of me work out why this is such a hard topic to address

cheers,
elapsed

[Groundbeef]

Well my wife and I made a list and discussed all sorts of different topics with him. Sex, cigs, drugs, alcohol, girls, safety, honesty...you name it. It took maybe an hour or so. He responded well and did tell the truth when asked questions that we knew the answer to.

We're going to start having a 15 minute family meeting once per week to discuss what's going on in his world and answer any questions.

"audio talk".....u guys are funny. I'll get right on that :prrr:

Great job on "the talk". As far as the 15min a week, that might be a bit formal (but it might work for your family).

We, as a rule eat EVERY dinner around the table. There are limited exceptions for the wife and I, and even less execptions for the kids. It's amazing what little nuggets of their lives they let loose during dinner. So, if you don't eat dinner together, start doing that. It's less formal, and more enjoyable.

Turn off the TV as well. We don't have the TV on during mealtime (exception Superbowl), or the radio.

[L.J.]

Great job on "the talk". As far as the 15min a week, that might be a bit formal (but it might work for your family).

We, as a rule eat EVERY dinner around the table. There are limited exceptions for the wife and I, and even less execptions for the kids. It's amazing what little nuggets of their lives they let loose during dinner. So, if you don't eat dinner together, start doing that. It's less formal, and more enjoyable.

Turn off the TV as well. We don't have the TV on during mealtime (exception Superbowl), or the radio.

We don't do the dinner thing anymore. My kids eat together but my wife and I barely eat in the evenings now.

The once per week thing is a start but I'm sure things will progress. My parents didn't talk to me about anything and I surely don't want to repeat that mistake.

[Groundbeef]

We don't do the dinner thing anymore. My kids eat together but my wife and I barely eat in the evenings now.

The once per week thing is a start but I'm sure things will progress. My parents didn't talk to me about anything and I surely don't want to repeat that mistake.

I'm certainly not going to pass judgement on your family dinners. But I would like to add that the informality of dinner time sometimes lends to interesting discussions. It's natural to want to talk/share the day's events, and the kids can get a picture of the family structre at the same time.

Even if you only set aside a couple of nights to eat with the kids, I would encourage it. We have designated Friday nights as "Family Night". We usually have pizza, and rent a movie (in the winter) or go out somewhere in the summer. The kids look forward to it, and we keep a connection with them.

I know that you have been having a rough go of it lately. Sometimes its the little changes that can make a big difference. Give it a go, try to have some family meals. At least for ours, it is a bonding time.

[Auricauricle]

I think yer onta something important, beef, but I would go out on a limb and maybe make it less of a ritual, but a more informal affair that occurs about once a week when you and the lad have some QT. You know, just you and he, whether it's eating, shooting hoops, working in the garage, listening to tunes or whatever. At his age, setting up a routine and calling attention to these times might be seen as an imposition or a nuisance. This way you can get the QT in "on the sly" by lowering his adolescent defenses that are likely to go shields up otherwise....

[Groundbeef]

I think yer onta something important, beef, but I would go out on a limb and maybe make it less of a ritual, but a more informal affair that occurs about once a week when you and the lad have some QT. You know, just you and he, whether it's eating, shooting hoops, working in the garage, listening to tunes or whatever. At his age, setting up a routine and calling attention to these times might be seen as an imposition or a nuisance. This way you can get the QT in "on the sly" by lowering his adolescent defenses that are likely to go shields up otherwise....

That's why we eat dinner together every day. Because we have been doing it for years, its just what we do. In fact, they have friends that don't eat w/family and they think it's odd, and don't enjoy eating at their homes.

For them, it has become a time where everyone gets a chance to "brag" about their day and such.

Anyways, just something for LJ to chew on. I applaud him for setting time aside. Kids love the attention, and just wan't to feel "wanted".:thumbsup:

[audio amateur]

That's why we eat dinner together every day. Because we have been doing it for years, its just what we do. In fact, they have friends that don't eat w/family and they think it's odd, and don't enjoy eating at their homes.


I've noticed and this only confirms it, that not eating together is very much an American thing.
The way I grew up is how most of France works, we eat together (not standing up, either). Not doing so simply wouldn't be normal (or odd, as your son puts it).

[Auricauricle]

I think you guys are certainly onto something good, here....On the other hand, if having such a ritual isn't part of the routine, maybe coming in sneaky-like might be a way to start....

[audio amateur]

It's definitely a good thing, but with today's hecktick lifestyles it's not always an easy thing to do.

[Groundbeef]

I've noticed and this only confirms it, that not eating together is very much an American thing.
The way I grew up is how most of France works, we eat together (not standing up, either). Not doing so simply wouldn't be normal (or odd, as your son puts it).

Or my 3 daughters perhaps you meant to say....

[audio amateur]

Sorry :D

[L.J.]

What's up guys? Hey I feel what you guys are saying about the dinner thing. It was our rule for a long time but unfortunately it doesn't happen anymore. My kids eat at 5pm or something like that. They go to bed at 8pm each night. I don't even think about eating til late evening. I know, bad habit, but that's when I'm hungry...lol

I have walked away with some good advice though and I will use it. Things have been hectic around here but it's starting to slow down a bit. Last night we set aside 11/2 hour after dinner to just all play games together and talk. I will also be spending some quality one on one time with the little guy just hanging out and talking.

I see myself starting to make the same mistakes my parents did and I'm gonna start turning things around right now. I grew up too fast and want my son to stay a happy kid as long as possible. Well at least until I kick him out!! :cornut:

[Groundbeef]

I see myself starting to make the same mistakes my parents did and I'm gonna start turning things around right now. I grew up too fast and want my son to stay a happy kid as long as possible. Well at least until I kick him out!! :cornut:

Hey, different strokes for different folks!

Another thing you might try is family game time. UNO, Clue, Pictionary, are favorites. They are generally quick (except Clue) and can lead to lots of banter. Even my 8 year old is becoming an accomplished trash talker.

Aside from the bonding, it leads to lasting stories later about how the game was played, what could have been done different and such. Good times.

[ForeverAutumn]

I see myself starting to make the same mistakes my parents did and I'm gonna start turning things around right now. I grew up too fast and want my son to stay a happy kid as long as possible. Well at least until I kick him out!! :cornut:

You sound like a great Dad! Your kids are lucky. I doubt that they'll feel that way until they're at least 30 though. :)

[Groundbeef]

And remember LJ, starting at age 10, every day in the eyes of your child you become dumber and dumber.

By the age of 16, you only exist for amusement of their friends, to be the butt of inside jokes, money and car keys.

By the age of 18 you are largely irrelevent unless said child intends to go to college where you are simply a payment processor.

By the age of 22 suddenly you start to regain your intelligence.

By the birth of your childs first child (and after) you are suddenly the "expert" to call for all sorts of issues.

By the time your grandchild becomes 10, you become a soundboard for your child to express their dismay that "kids these days just don't listen".

I'm 2 years past stage one with 2 more to go. I wish you luck my friend.

I often say that I wish I knew all that I knew at 17. Back then I had it all figured out.

[Auricauricle]

I have little doubt you're gonna be a good dad and husband, L.J. You have taken some time to think things over, which is more than many folks do, to consider your options and your next step rather than go into autopilot and make off-the-cuff decisions that could cost you. Seeing that and reading your passionate concern for your family is all the evidence I need to be confident that whatever you do, wherever you go, you'll make the best decision you can.

The rest is, as they say, up to God and the Wind.

[L.J.]

aww, you guys are so sweet :sad:

[3-LockBox]

I learned the hard way, albeit, indirectly.

I was 7 years old, and had a 14 year old sister get knocked-up by her 19 year old boyfriend. My older brother explained it to me, sorta. It was still another 4 or 5 years before I fully understood how things 'worked', and that was because a friend of mine 'borrowed' his dad's "f*ckbook" collection when we were around 12 yrs old.

My sister's mistake was my gain however - I was careful to use protection whenever I 'did it' with a chick...when I was dating age of course. Otherwise, I never had such a chat with either of my parents, thank God.

I do plan on having a chat with son though, because even though there is a glut of info on the subject on the web, there also seems to be a rampant strain of dumbass floating around the pacific northwest - I've read that we have a very high rate of teenage pregnancies. Seems knowledge and wisdom don't go hand-in-hand, especially if a guy thinks with his dick.

[GMichael]

I learned the hard way, albeit, indirectly.

I was 7 years old, and had a 14 year old sister get knocked-up by her 19 year old boyfriend. My older brother explained it to me, sorta. It was still another 4 or 5 years before I fully understood how things 'worked', and that was because a friend of mine 'borrowed' his dad's "f*ckbook" collection when we were around 12 yrs old.

My sister's mistake was my gain however - I was careful to use protection whenever I 'did it' with a chick...when I was dating age of course. Otherwise, I never had such a chat with either of my parents, thank God.

I do plan on having a chat with son though, because even though there is a glut of info on the subject on the web, there also seems to be a rampant strain of dumbass floating around the pacific northwest - I've read that we have a very high rate of teenage pregnancies. Seems knowledge and wisdom don't go hand-in-hand, especially if a guy thinks with his dick.

I'm not going to ask, and no one can make me.

[3-LockBox]

I'm not going to ask, and no one can make me.

you don't recognize an alley-oop when ya see one?

[GMichael]

you don't recognize an alley-oop when ya see one?
Is that an oop for your.....?

[Auricauricle]

...Umpateedle?

I wouldn't be so harsh, 3 (guys who think with their ducks): sometimes its difficult knowin' which head to use.

[GMichael]

There once were these 3 ducklings in a pond. One day, they were all in trouble and had to see the head duck. The first duckling waddled up. "What's your name?" demanded the head duck. "It's Donald Mr. Head Duck" "What were you doing wrong?" HD asked. "I was blowing bubbles", was the reply. "That's not so bad", said the head duck, "go play with your friends." The second duck waddled up. "What's your name and what did you do wrong? asked the HD. "My name is Daffy and I was blowing bubbles" was the reply. That's no big deal. Go ahead and play with your friends. The third duck waddled up. What's your name Duckling? My name is Bubbles........