New jokes, old jokes, all jokes

[GMichael]

Come on, who has the best jokes? I'll start:

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.
He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' . . . the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

[ericl]

HAHA, That's pretty good!

[trollgirl]

That was a good one!

I'm told this may be the world's oldest joke - it's supposed to be by Aristotle:

By all means, marry. If you marry well, you can be happy. If you marry badly, you can pursue Philosophy.

I don't think I'll retell my Jonestown joke here, the OP did specify the "best" jokes...

Laz

[jrhymeammo]

Not really a joke, but here is the one made up(I hope, well nothing is original anymore) last night, while talking s**t with a friend last night.

What do you call an Asian with a F'ed up fingers?

[kexodusc]

Mwa ha ha ha...good one GM.

I'm not so good with story jokes...my favorite (it's bad) has always been:

"What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?"

Answer: "Where's my tractor?"

Trust me, it gets pretty damn funny after a few beers.

[kexodusc]

Son of a - time-warped again!

[GMichael]

Not really a joke, but here is the one made up(I hope, well nothing is original anymore) last night, while talking s**t with a friend last night.

What do you call an Asian with a F'ed up fingers?

I call the one I know, Honey.

[GMichael]

Before anyone gets mad at me for this one. I am 1/2 Italian:

"ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION"

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?" "
Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say.
"Was it Teresa Volpe?" "I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."


Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads."

[basite]

rofl, good one GMichael!

Rock on,
Bert.

[GMichael]

Mwa ha ha ha...good one GM.

I'm not so good with story jokes...my favorite (it's bad) has always been:

"What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?"

Answer: "Where's my tractor?"

Trust me, it gets pretty damn funny after a few beers.

Was this farmer wearing red suspenders when his LOST tractor ran over the chicken crossing the road?
Hey Doc, It hurts when I do this.
Don't do that.

[jrhymeammo]

Answer:

Chopstican't....

thank you, thank you.

It's just a jump to the left
And then a step to the right
With your hands on your hips
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's do the...............?

[jrhymeammo]

Chopstickan't
......thank you, thank you.


It's just a jump to the left
And then a step to the right
With your hands on your hips
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's do the................

[GMichael]

Son of a - time-warped again!

You just have to get that time machine fixed Doc.

[GMichael]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I`d like to see something more special." At that statement, The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here`s a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady`s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.The old man seeing this said, "We`ll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I`ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I`ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There`s no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

[GMichael]

THE LOVE DRESS
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said, "What's for dinner?"

[GMichael]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because
It was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it
was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned
that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one
Thanksgiving she was in the kitchen making turkey for dinner and he was
upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep
and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into
his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!!!"

[GMichael]

Hillary Rescue


Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along
the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge
railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids
who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was
so grateful, she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

Hillary said, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special
Senator's airplane."

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans."

Hillary said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign
them."

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in
TV and stereo headset!"

Hillary was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look
like you're handicapped."

The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your a$$
from drowning."

[GMichael]

I think I got all the nasties out of this one. If anyone catches a mistake, please let me know ASAP and I will delete it.



Management 101 Refresher


Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a

towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800

to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands

her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was

that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position

to prevent avoidable exposure



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After

controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But,

changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized. "Sorry

sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the ch urch, the priest

rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes

out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a

speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach

with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the

manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on

the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey peck ed at a lump of dung,

and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the

second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who

shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull chit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!



Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying

there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The

dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat hear d the bird singing and

came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story: (1) Not everyone who chits on you is your enemy;

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of the chit is your friend;

(3) And when you're in deep chit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



This ends the 3-minute management course



Some Jokes to Keep A Smile On Your Face

1: Subject: Joe Was In Trouble


Joe was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Joe got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Joe has been missing since Friday. The police had been notified. A $25.00 reward has been offered for his safe return.



2: BAPTIST ANYONE??? LOL

Born a Baptist

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and
cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic - and
since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The
delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a
Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended
Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were
born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed
into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and
watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a
deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish!



3:

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown, to attend their 45th

reunion and have lunch together.



Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.


The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks

at the others with a superior demeanor.


The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with

considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't

have any material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect p*n*s."


After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was

just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera, we're going to my parent's house for

two weeks."


The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes,

he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."

[GMichael]

George Carlin (He is Absolutely Brilliant)


George Carlin's Views on Aging


Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.


"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.


You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.


"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BEC OME 21. YESSSS!!!


But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?


You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50

and your dreams are gone.


But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!


So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.


You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!


You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."


Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!


HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them "


2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.


3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.


4. Enjoy the simple things.


5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.


6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.


7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.


8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.


9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.


10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

&nbs p;
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

[markw]

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

The first one says "Windy, isn't it?"

Second guy says "No, it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

[GMichael]

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-

shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...

-----------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

-----------------------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[GMichael]

The Hair Dryer
> > >>
> > >> A distinguished young woman on a flight from
> > Ireland asked the Priest
> > beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course.
> > What may I do for you?"
> > >>
> > >> "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic
> > hair dryer for my mother's
> > birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
> > limits, and I'm afraid
> > they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could
> > carry it through Customs for
> > me? Under your robes perhaps?"
> > >
> > > "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
> > you: I will not lie."
> > >
> > > "With your honest face, Father, no one will
> > question you."
> > >
> > > When they got to Customs, she let the priest go
> > ahead of her.
> > >
> > > The official asked, "Father, do you have anything
> > to declare?" "From the
> > top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
> > declare." The official
> > thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do
> > you have to declare from your
> > waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument
> > designed to be used on a
> > woman, but which is, to date, unused."
> > >>
> > >> Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go
> > ahead, Father." Next!

[GMichael]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when
his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my p*n*s with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository... it's up to you!"

[GMichael]

This is creepy!
Think of a letter between
A and W.

Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.


Keep going . . .
Don't stop .. ..






Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.






Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.





Think of

either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name





Almost
there........






Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.




Take the
hand you
FIRST counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.




Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand
.



Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?!
.





Of course not.......



Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
games!

[GMichael]

A STORY ABOUT ITALIAN COOKIES...



An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the

agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite

Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his

remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he

slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort,

gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With

labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were

if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were

literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.



Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted

Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a

happy man?



Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,

landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted,

the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly

bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a

cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a

big wooden spoon by his wife.



"Get outta here! " she shouted , "They're for the funeral!"

[GMichael]

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

The first one says "Windy, isn't it?"

Second guy says "No, it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

The three wise men?:ihih:

[GMichael]

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood !

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.


20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Damn!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Damn! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you SMILE !!!!!!!!!!

[markw]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year Eve Party. We turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat that we had just put out in the back yard, scoots right back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit, My wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so she tells the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.

"That stupid sum***** was hiding under the bed! I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

[GMichael]

First Time Sex



A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday

night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces

to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like

to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to

get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his

first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about
an

hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know
about

condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks


the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack,
10-pack, or

family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he

thinks he will be rather bu s y, it being his first time
and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so

excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner

table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy

quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in

prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and
still

no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes

with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea

your father was a pharmacist."

[markw]

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Nooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Nooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of
Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder...." St.

Peter said, "Verrrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter."

[GMichael]

I used to work for a large company, they often did special things for us to make work a little more enjoyable, below is a memo I found in my desk today thought I would pass it on.

Casual Day Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m., Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

[markw]

...shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

“No, just Arthritis."

[GMichael]

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my
wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she
has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and
she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again
and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the
garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Bob

[markw]

An English explorer decided to explore the mountains of Africa. Before his team went into the jungle, the guide told them about the Yeti.

"You must never go near the Yeti," he told them. "It is a very mean creature, but there is one thing worse then meeting a Yeti, and that is to touch it. For if you touch a Yeti, it will chase you to the ends of the earth and it will not stop until it catches you."

With that warning, the guide led them into the jungle. When it was too dark to go any farther, they made their camp, had dinner, and went to sleep. In the middle of the night our English explorer (we'll call him Throckmorton) heard something outside his tent.

He peeked out of his sleeping bag and saw something horrible. It was the silhouette of the Yeti! And it was coming straight toward his tent! Throckmorton was frozen to the spot as the shape started to unzip the tent. He panicked and did something very stupid. He ran straight out the door of the tent, and in doing so CRASHED INTO THE YETI.

It screeched and followed Throckmorton as he ran down the mountain. Throckmorton jumped into a car and drove to the nearest airport, charged at the closest plane heading for England, and went home.

Two weeks after the adventure in Africa, Throckmorton was out for an early-morning walk when he saw the Yeti coming up the road! He took off in the other direction, grabbed a bicycle, and rode away as fast as he could go. He came to a car rental place and rented one, and took off again. After he had gone a hundred miles or so he stopped to look behind him. There was the Yeti, still following him!

Throckmorton drove as fast as he could until he came to an airport. He hopped on the first plane leaving. It happened to be going to Ireland. He got to Ireland, hopped on another bike, and rode until the handlebars fell off. He stopped to look behind him and saw… the Yeti. It was STILL following him!

Throckmorton broke out in a run. He ran until the sweat was pouring off him. He ran straight out onto the moor. He ran until he was so pooped he couldn't move. He looked to see if the Yeti was still following him. It was.

There was nowhere to go so Throckmorton just stood there. He made up his mind to give up. He turned and faced the Yeti bravely.

The Yeti stopped right in front of him and grinned. It reached out its hairy arm and poked Throckmorton in the chest.

"TAG! YOU'RE IT!" it shouted, and ran off in the other direction.

[GMichael]

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.

Dogs shed, cats shred.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

[GMichael]

A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter
asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I picked
out the largest and most heavily tattooed biker, punched him on the
nose, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, then told him, "Now, leave her alone or things are really going to get really ugly!"
St. Peter was impressed and asked "When did this happen?"
"About ten minutes ago."

[JohnMichael]

A very frustrated blond calls her boyfriend and tells him she bought a puzzle and does not know how to start it.

He asks what is it supposed to look like when it is finished?

She tells him a tiger.

He says he is on his way over to help.

When he arrives she takes him to the table where all the pieces are laid out.

He takes her by the hand and leads her to the couch. He makes her a cup of tea and then explains that no matter how hard they try they will not be able to make a tiger. Very patiently he tells her that after she finishes the tea they will put the Frosted Flakes back in the box.

[GMichael]

Many years ago, I had a job at a local bar making drinks. The days were usually very mellow. A few regulars were all I'd see for weeks.
One day, I got a treat. Five hot blondes walked in laughing and touching each other. They came up to the bar and asked for 5 bottles of Champaign and 10 glasses. Not wanting to put them off, I gave them what they asked for. They sat at the large table in the corner and started pouring Champaign into the ten glasses. All the while they kept laughing and saying, "42 days." A few minutes later, 4 more even hotter blondes came in and joined them. A burst of laughter came out and they started shouting, "42 days!" Over and over. 42 DAYS... 42 DAYS... 42 DAYS....
Then the door swung open again. There in the door was the hottest blonde ever. She was holding some kind of picture in her hands with a gold frame around it. The others screamed out, "42 DAYS!!!!!" and they all started laughing and dancing around. Clinking glasses and shouting out loud. The chanting continued, 42 DAYS!!!!!" 42 DAYS!!!!!" 42 DAYS!!!!!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I walked up to the last blonde. She sipped her glass and then looked me in the eyes and whispered, "42 days" to me. She giggled and took another sip. Before she could start up again, I asked her, "So what's up with this 42 days thing?" She almost spit up in her glass as she began to laugh. "Can you believe it" she said. 42 days! Then she settled down a bit and started telling me the story. They were all very tired of all the stupid blonde jokes. So they got together to come up with a way to prove that they were really much smarter than anyone gave them credit for. After a few days of thought, they came up with this. She shows me the picture. It was a 12" by 24" puzzle of the Cookie Monster. I said, "Huh?" She went on to say that the box this came in said 2-4 years and they were able to put it together in just 42 days. They all burst into laughter and the chanting started up again. I got myself a glass and joined them.

[Dusty Chalk]

PET RULES

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want th eir hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

[GMichael]

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"
A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it’s up?"
A Bank manager says "don’t take it out you’ll lose interest"!

[GMichael]

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
"BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"

[markw]

Three guys died in an accident and went to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"

So they entered heaven and sure enough, there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally stepped on one.

Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman".

The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first.

The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any duck. But one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.

The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity"?

She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"!

[GMichael]

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big
" everything under the roof" department store looking for a job.

The manger says, " Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomommow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says just "one".
The boss says "Just one?" Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers
a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook, then I sold him larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishin and he
said down the coast, so i told him he was going to need a boat, so
so we went down to the boat department and I sold a twin engine
Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automative department and sold him
that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a BOAT and TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
and I said,

"Dude, your weekend's shot you should go fishin.'

[GMichael]

A women in her late 40's goes into a doctor's office. She explains to him that her husband doesn't seem to have any drive left in him. It's been many months since the last time they, "you know." The doctor said, you're in luck. We have this new pill. Just put one in his morning coffee and you'll get all the "you know" that you can handle later that night. The woman's eyes lit up and she took the prescription to have it filled that day. The next morning, she slipped one in his coffee. Later that night, he was very affectionate. No "you know" but still much more than she had been getting. The next morning she slipped 2 into his coffee. Later that day it happened. She got her "you know." But it only lasted a minute or two. She wanted more. The next morning she dumped the rest of the bottle into his coffee. Later that day, the doctor called to see how they were doing. "How are we doing?!" said their son, "I'll tell ya how we're doing!" Mom is dead. Sis left home. My butt hurts. And now dad is out in the bushes stark naked going, "here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty."

[Luvin Da Blues]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my G~d!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um...
equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long!!!"

Mrs. Smith fainted!!

[Justlisten2]

A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales so he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck named Billy-Bob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. Billy-Bob guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time."

A week later Billy-Bob stopped in with his twin brother, Bubba, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.....Billy-Bob guessed 2 this time...The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away Billy-Bob said, "Bubba, I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex. "

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy-Bob. It ain't rigged. My girlfriend won twice last week."

[GMichael]

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr
old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see
while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she
was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was
born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for
her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what
she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his a** again!"

[JohnMichael]

Life could always be worse.

You could be siamese twins.

Your brother could be gay.

His boyfriend could be on the way over,
and you share an a$$hole.

[GMichael]

Life could always be worse.

You could be siamese twins.

Your brother could be gay.

His boyfriend could be on the way over,
and you share an a$$hole.

:yikes: Is SVI his BF? :mad2:

[GMichael]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let`s talk. I`ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don`t know", said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea," The little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don`t know sh*t?"

[GMichael]

A guy walks into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman wave at
him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he finally says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
teacher."

[GMichael]

Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy the time while they were incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The other pulled out a box of paints and said, "With these I can paint anything. I`ll be the Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he returned the question. "What did you bring?" he asked. The first pulled out a deck of cards, smiled and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, rummy, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled and said said, "I brought these." Puzzled, the other two asked, "What can you do with those?" He pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to what it says here, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

[GMichael]

Ring, ring...

HELLO AND THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE STATE MENTAL HOSPITAL.

PLEASE SELECT FROM THE FOLLOWING OPTIONS MENU:

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press-1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press-2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press-7 and your call will be forwarded to the
mother ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are Dyslexic, press-9696969696969696.

If you are Bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep or before the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have Short-Term memory loss, press-9. If you have Short-Term
memory loss, press-9. If you have Short-Term memory loss, press-9. If
you have Short-Term memory loss, press-9.

If you have Low Self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy
to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up
anyway.

[GMichael]

A man waved for a taxi. One stopped, he got in, gave his destination, and off they went. The man had a question, so he tapped the cabbie on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and slammed on the brakes just before crashing through a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Please don`t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger said, "Sorry, I didn`t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "That`s O.K. It`s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. "What did you do before?" the passenger asked. The cabbie replied, "For the last 20 years or so, I drove a hearse."

:yikes:

[GMichael]

A very loud, unattractive (UGLY) , mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell, no, they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't
believe you got laid TWICE!" :yikes:

[GMichael]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said. "I am a Father, my child."
The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of many!" The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!

The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar

[Rich-n-Texas]

...jokes contributed by GM in this thread alone. Now I know what you meant when we were talking about your post count in that other thread!

I think you should be made the moderator of this section of AR. :thumbsup:

BTW, I haven't heard any good jokes lately, so I guess that makes these remarks off-topic huh? :ciappa:

[GMichael]

...jokes contributed by GM in this thread alone. Now I know what you meant when we were talking about your post count in that other thread!

I think you should be made the moderator of this section of AR. :thumbsup:

BTW, I haven't heard any good jokes lately, so I guess that makes these remarks off-topic huh? :ciappa:

This is about the only thread that I stay on topic with. I'm always just making stupid comments on the other threads to make people laugh. But I read ALL of the threads. I am learning. It just doesn't show much.
Oops, I'm off topic again?! OK OK, dig this one.

One day, a chicken and a horse are playing in a field. The hourse falls into a ditch and can't get out. So the chicken runs for help. It comes back with a rope and a BMW. It ties one end to the horse and the other end to the BMW. Jumps into the BMW and pulls the horse out.
The next day, they are playing again. This time the chicken falls into a mud pit. The chicken yells to the horse to get the BMW. The horse says, don't worry about that and stands over the mud pit with his legs to either side. Then he tells the chicken to grab his package and the horse pulls her out.
Moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to get chicks.

[Rich-n-Texas]

I think my next car purchase should be a BMW! :cryin:

[GMichael]

I think my next car purchase should be a BMW! :cryin:

That may be more information than we needed here. But I'm so sorry. They have meds now that claim to help with that. Not sure if they work though.

[GMichael]

A golfer on his way to play a round picks up a women hitchhiker along the way. She gets into his 1984 Cadillac El Dorado, she hears a clicking noise and asks "what was that", The Golfer replies "it`s my automatic locks so that you don`t fall out". "WOW" the women says. She turns to see the window going up on it`s own, "what is happening" she say`s, the Golfer reply`s "that`s my automatic window to keep your hair from blowing around", The Golfer then asks the women to open the glove box for him, when she does two Golf Tees fall to the floor," What are these" the women asks. The Golfer reply`s "those are to hold my ball`s while I am driving..............."WOW you Cadillac driving Golfers think of everything" replies the women

[RoyY51]

...drinking his grog. The bartender walks over to him and says: "Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice that you've got a...well, a steering wheel down your pants!" The pirate says:" Aaaargh! And it's drivin' me nuts!"

[GMichael]

> What dating was like in 1957
>
> It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up
> his date,
> Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own
> car and a duck
> tail hairdo.
>
> When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother
> answers and
> invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why
> don't you have
> a seat?"
>
> Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning
> to do.
> Harold replies politely that they will probably just
> go to the
> malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
>
> Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go
> out and
> screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
>
> Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold
> and he says,
> Whaaaat?"
>
> "Yes," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue
> really likes
> to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
>
> Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to
> ear.
> Immediately, he has revised the plans for the
> evening
>
> A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in
> her little
> poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces
> that she's
> ready to go.
>
> Almost with breathless anticipation, Harold escorts
> his date out
> the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good
> evening kids,"
> with a small wink for Harold.
>
> About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled
> Peggy Sue rushes
> back into the house, slams the door behind her and
> screams at her
> mother:
>
> "Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! It's called The
> Twist!"

[GMichael]

> Words to live by

>
> An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots; each
> hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across
> her neck.
>
> One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other
> pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion
> of water.
>
> At the end of the long walks from the stream to the
> house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
>
> For a full two years this went on daily, with the
> woman bringing home only one and a half pots of
> water.
>
> Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its
> accomplishments.
>
> But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own
> imperfection, and miserable that it could only do
> half of what it had been made to do.
>
> After two years of what it perceived to be bitter
> failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the
> stream.
> "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my
> side causes water to leak out all the way back to
> your house."
>
> The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are
> flowers on your side of the path, but not on the
> other pot's side?"
>
> "That's because I have always known about your flaw,
> so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path,
> and every day while we walk back, you water them."
>
> "For two years I have been able to pick these
> beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
>
> Without you being just the way you are, there would
> not be this beauty to grace the house."
>
> Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the
> cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives
> together so very interesting and rewarding.
>
> You've just got to take each person for what they
> are and look for the good in them.
>
> SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day
> and remember to smell the flowers on your side of
> the path!

[markw]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The trooper said “What the heck are these bugs flying around my head?”

The farmer says “Well, we call ‘em circle flies.” The trooper says “Circle flies? I’ve never heard of circle flies. What are they?”

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops, looks at the farmer and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's rear end?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you such a name."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "'Course, it's hard to fool them cirdle flies, though."
__________________
You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you.

[GMichael]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That ' s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you ' re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[ChrisP9]

A Tale of Two Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."



..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..Wait for it!!!!

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

[GMichael]

>> New Rule 1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for >> classmates.com!
>> There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you
>> don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the
>> captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
>>
>> New Rule 2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
>> unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
>> finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than
>> a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
>>
>> New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
>> hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
>> description for these kids: lucky bastards.
>>
>> New Rule 4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
>> cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of
>> your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>>
>> New Rule 5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
>> care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>>
>> New Rule 6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
>> whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket... water, but without
>> that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
>> You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
>> That should be your flavored water.
>>
>> New Rule 7: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a
>> redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the
>> top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
>> open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you
>> just solved the Social Security crisis.
>>
>> New Rule 8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger
>> the a-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
>> half-soy,half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
>> cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
>> NutraSweet,"ooh, you're a huge a-hole.
>>
>> New Rule 9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
>> my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the
>> amount, deciding, "No, I don't want cash back", and pressing" Enter"
>> again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
>> eating my Almond Joy.
>>
>> New Rule 10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
>> doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
>> And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
>> anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
>> You're not spiritual. You're just high.
>>
>> New Rule 11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
>> seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of
>> Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker
>> table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive
>> farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The
>> Howard Stern Show."
>>
>> New Rule 12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
>> M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
>>
>> New Rule 13: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
>> crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
>> Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
>> Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the
>> first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>>
>> New Rule 14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
>> for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
>> rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
>> for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
>>
>> >> New Rule 15: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to
>> know in months. "27 Months?" "He's two," will do just fine. He's
>> not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. I was
>> attempting >> to be nice.

Saving the best one for last…

New Rule 16: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
>> attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
>> mint, as if I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell
>> if he's supposed
>> to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
>> your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

[GMichael]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - Alot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample
from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[Rich-n-Texas]

I'm going to read and comment on today's two gems later on after a few brews. Right now it's time to do my weekly report then take a nap before I leave work and start a five-day vacation.

Edit: Dammit! I just spent the last hour rating the 15 joke post using a :lol: rating system, but when I tried to submit it I was told I was limited to ten smilies. All that work for nothing.:incazzato:

[Rich-n-Texas]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - Alot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample
from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[GMichael]

I'm going to read and comment on today's two gems later on after a few brews. Right now it's time to do my weekly report then take a nap before I leave work and start a five-day vacation.

Edit: Dammit! I just spent the last hour rating the 15 joke post using a :lol: rating system, but when I tried to submit it I was told I was limited to ten smilies. All that work for nothing.:incazzato:

I'm sure you could come up with another system. I have confidence.

[GMichael]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world.
Mexifornia, formerly known as California; White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed; they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help
the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton
has banned all smoking.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter, and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must
be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[RoyY51]

What are the three most terrifying words to hear while you're having sex?

"Honey...I'm home!"

[JohnMichael]

[QUOTE=GMichael
Saving the best one for last…

New Rule 16: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
>> attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
>> mint, as if I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell
>> if he's supposed
>> to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
>> your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.[/QUOTE]



That is so funny coming from another George Michael. Hugs brother.

[GMichael]

Subject: newest scam

A 'heads up' for you and any of your friends who may be regular Home
Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam
while out shopping. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19 year-old
girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into
the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back
seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of
them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while
the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Feb 4th, 9th, 15th, 20th, 24th, and 28th, and
very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more
wallets.
Be Careful!!!

[GMichael]

Subject: Dr visit


A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging
along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need
a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he
say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

[RoyY51]

Michelangelo has just finished painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. It's taken him 17 years, and as he stands there looking at it all he can think is "thank God this is over!" Just then, the Pope walks in, stands beside Michelangelo, and both men gaze at the completed work, neither one saying a word.

Finally, the Pope speaks: "Ah, Michelangelo...what you have accomplished here will live through the ages! This is truly a miracle! Mere words cannot describe the degree of appreciation that I feel for your dedication and inspiration. It is just wonderful."

Michelangelo says "Thank you, your Holiness."

The Pope continues: "You know, I couldn't help but notice that you've got some paint left over. Would you mind giving the outside of the building a quick coat before you leave?"

Michelangelo says "What?"

The Pope says "This is the 15th century, you know, and that paint's just not going to keep very long in those sheep's bladders. How 'bout you just mix them all together, give me a quick coat, and we'll call it even."

Through gritted teeth, Michelangelo says "Of course, Your Eminence...of course."

So Michelangelo starts painting the outside of the chapel. It soon becomes apparent that he is not going to have enough paint, so he starts adding water. He keeps painting, keeps adding water, until finally he finishes the job just as the paint runs out. Then, just as he is finishing packing up, it starts to rain. And, of course, the rain sluices all the watered-down paint off the sides of the building.

As he stands there thinking: "What else could go wrong?" suddenly the clouds part, and there is the visage and the voice of God Almighty himself!

God says "MICHELANGELO!"

Michelangelo says: "yes, Lord?"

And the Lord said: "REPAINT... REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!"




I know this is a bit of a groaner, but it's the only paint/religious joke that I've ever heard...and I do so love bad puns!

[GMichael]

DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

[GMichael]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."


They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again, you're in my closet now.

[budgetaudio76]

dont you just hate itwhen after speaking with some one,
after mulling it over they say that your full of crap. And
knowing otherwise you get angered but you dont say anything.
then you go to the bathroom, and by golly they were right you were really full of crap.:nonod:

[GMichael]

But...
But...

How did they know?

[budgetaudio76]

:ciappa: i tested this one out with a woman at work i asked her if she wanted to hear a crude bathroom joke after telling her it, she agreed it was a crude, bathroom joke. got a laugh out of her. i like it when women laugh a giddy laugh. well other then that im sticking with my day job like my boss always likes to tell me.:ciappa:

[Rich-n-Texas]

Way ta beef up that post count there movetom. :rolleyes:

[budgetaudio76]

Subject: newest scam

A 'heads up' for you and any of your friends who may be regular Home
Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam
while out shopping. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19 year-old
girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into
the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is
impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back
seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of
them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while
the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Feb 4th, 9th, 15th, 20th, 24th, and 28th, and
very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more
wallets.
Be Careful!!!

i must find the place.

ok heres another one.
insert favorite redneck bluegrass tune. accompaniment(clap clap slap your right knee, tap left foot twice. repea )
(high tone)i was walkin down the railroad wantin to see mah hunny.
(low tone)git 'er bob.
(high tone)oh i was walkin down the railroad expectin to see mah hunny for the sweet, sweet bear that she is.
(L.T.) git 'er bob
(H.T) i was walkin down the railroad goin to see mah hunny when i came across a bunch of bees. oh! lord!
(L.T.)run bob!
(H.T.)for i was walkin down the rail road wantin my hunny, came across dem bees. oh lord!start runnin thru the woods. came across a pond. yee haw!
L.T)jump in bob!
(H.T.)i was walkin down the railroad wantin to see may hunny. came across them dang bees! started running! yep i sure ran. jumped in dat dere pond. and whats this here. A BROWN CUCUMBER?! OH LORD WHAT IS THAT TASTE!!! OOOH CRAP!!!
(L.T.)WellBob ...! Yah See That Pond? ITS WHATS KNOWN AS HONEY IN SOME PLACES! YAH FINALY CAUGHT UP WITH SOME HUNNY!:p

[bobsticks]

----- There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.



The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[bfalls]

A bartender, whose wife was going into labor, worked at a deaf/mute bar, . He called a friend to take over while he went to the hospital. His friend was very apprehensive, he'd never tended bar for deaf/mutes before, so wasn't sure what to do.
The Bartender explained, "All you have to do is stand behind the bar. If a patron comes up and gives the "thumb's up" sign, he wants a beer, "thumb's down" sign he wants whiskey." That sounded easy enough, so he agreed and told the Bartender to go and he'd take over.
Everything went fine for long while. When patrons came to the bar, gave the "thumb's up", he gave beer, "thumb's down" whiskey. After many hours and drinks, he notice a man in the corner, who had been very quiet all evening, stand up and start waving his arms and moving his hands like little hand puppets. This seemed very strange. A few minutes later he got onto the table making even wilder and more exaggerated movements. This was very very strange and made the man nervous. He had no idea what this guy's deal is.
All of the sudden several other patron started doing the same thing. Then several more, until everyone in the place was on their feet waving their arms and moving their hands. Some joining into groups.
This really freaked the man out, so he called the Bartender. "You need to get down here quick! There's something going and it's freaking me out. I don't know what to do". The Bartender asked what was happening, but the man just said he couldn't explain, just to get there as soon as he could.
The baby had been delivered and wifey was all secured for the night, so the bartender rushed to the bar. When the bartender walked in he could hardly contain himself and doubled-over laughing. The man, puzzled and very concerned, asked the bartender excitedly "What's going on? What's happening? What are they doing?
The Bartender, when he could catch his breathe, told the man. "You've gotten them so drunk they're singing"! :7:

[GMichael]

A bartender, whose wife was going into labor, worked at a deaf/mute bar, . He called a friend to take over while he went to the hospital. His friend was very apprehensive, he'd never tended bar for deaf/mutes before, so wasn't sure what to do.
The Bartender explained, "All you have to do is stand behind the bar. If a patron comes up and gives the "thumb's up" sign, he wants a beer, "thumb's down" sign he wants whiskey." That sounded easy enough, so he agreed and told the Bartender to go and he'd take over.
Everything went fine for long while. When patrons came to the bar, gave the "thumb's up", he gave beer, "thumb's down" whiskey. After many hours and drinks, he notice a man in the corner, who had been very quiet all evening, stand up and start waving his arms and moving his hands like little hand puppets. This seemed very strange. A few minutes later he got onto the table making even wilder and more exaggerated movements. This was very very strange and made the man nervous. He had no idea what this guy's deal is.
All of the sudden several other patron started doing the same thing. Then several more, until everyone in the place was on their feet waving their arms and moving their hands. Some joining into groups.
This really freaked the man out, so he called the Bartender. "You need to get down here quick! There's something going and it's freaking me out. I don't know what to do". The Bartender asked what was happening, but the man just said he couldn't explain, just to get there as soon as he could.
The baby had been delivered and wifey was all secured for the night, so the bartender rushed to the bar. When the bartender walked in he could hardly contain himself and doubled-over laughing. The man, puzzled and very concerned, asked the bartender excitedly "What's going on? What's happening? What are they doing?
The Bartender, when he could catch his breathe, told the man. "You've gotten them so drunk they're singing"! :7:

Try not to laugh at this one. It's a true story. Kinda feel bad posting it.

A few years back I was at a place called Action Park in NJ. One the the now removed rides was a giant round cage attached to two bungee cords. Two people would climb into the cage and then they would stretch the cords with hydraulics up high. When they were locked in at the top, a latch would release and the cage would shoot you and a friend up like you were in a rocket. Then you'd bounce around for a minute before they brought you down. Everyone without exception would scream their heads off. Then a group of deaf/mutes got in line. The first couple were shot up. No chit! They were waving their arms and hands like crazy. Their version of screaming I guess. The rest did the same thing when it was their turn.

[Auricauricle]

Must be a sight: Folks screaming thier arms (and hands) off.

What's worse than a dozen roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

[GMichael]

Must be a sight: Folks screaming thier arms (and hands) off.

What's worse than a dozen roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

Worse, better, it all depends on your point of view.

[Auricauricle]

Reckon so....Mebbe, like Thakethpeare, I was thinkin' about a woman's thorn!