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10-13-2006, 10:28 AM
Have you heard any good ones? We could use a few laughs around here. I'll start with this old one.


A lady in her early 50's had been married to the same guy for 30 years. Her anniversary was coming soon. She wanted to get her hubby something special. Something to put the zing back into their love life. She looked everywhere. Finally, she came upon an exotic pet shop. After explaining her situation to the manager there, he said that he had just the thing for her. It's called a Krunchbird. A what-bird she asked? A Krunchbird he insisted. Here, let me show you. He went into the back, and in a few minutes he emerged with a bird cage. In the cage was the strangest looking bird that she had ever seen. It had a tiny yellow body with a big purple head and a huge green beak. She told the manager that it was beautiful, but why was it called a Krunchbird. He opens the cage and says, "Krunchbird? Krunchbird that lamp!" The little bird with the big head started flapping away. It was hard for such a small bird to displace enough air to get that big head in the air. But eventually he was airborne. He flew threw the air weaving and rocking as he went. He then landed on the desk next to the lamp. He opened his mouth and you could see the giant teeth within. He got his mouth so far open that he fit the whole lamp inside. And then with one bite, the lamp was gone. She told the manager that her husband would love this bird. "I'll take him."
She gets home with the bird. All excited about how much her husband will love it, she yells. "Honey, I have something special for you tonight." He's trying to watch his show and doesn't care what she has. She yells again, "You're gonna love it." "Yeah yeah, whatever" he says. "It's a Krunchbird!" she says. A what-bird? A Krunchbird. He replies "Krunchbird? Krunchbird my @ss!"


10-13-2006, 10:36 AM
Next up, Granny likes to smoke.

Two old women in their 80's were waiting for the bus. They were both about to light up when it began to rain. One of them complains about how the rain ruins her cigarettes. "They get all wet and won't stay lit." The other lady says that she has no problem with that. She pulls out a condom, snips off the closed end and slips it over her cigarette, keeping it dry. The first lady thinks that's great. She walks across the street into the drug store. She asked the young man behind the counter for a box of condoms. He's very shocked that this old woman would ask for condoms. But he asks her, "What size would you need?" She thinks for a second and asks, "Do you have any that would fit Camels?"

10-13-2006, 10:45 AM
A women goes to see her doctor. He asks what's wrong. She tells him that her hubby never wants to "do it" anymore. The doc says not to worry. We have these great new pills now that will do the trick. Just put one of these in his morning coffee and later that night you'll get what you want. So she gets the prescription filled and goes home. The next morning she slips one in his coffee. That night they make out. She thinks, this is good, but I wanted more. The next morning she puts in two. That night they do "it". But it's only a few seconds. Now she's frustrated. The next morning she puts the rest of the bottle in his coffee. That day, the doctor calls to she how she's doing. Their young boy answers the phone. Doing? he says, "I'll tell you how we're doing. Mom is dead, Sis left home, my butt hurts like mad, and dad is naked out front in the bushes saying here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty." That's how we're doing!

10-13-2006, 01:37 PM
I liked the cigarette joke. So here's one or two:

There's an elderly couple, sitting on the porch rocking the world away in their chairs and suddenly, the old woman gets up from her chair, walks over to her husband and knocks him right out of his chair with a cold, hard slap. He shakes his head and exclaims, "What was that for?" She replies, "That's for 40 years of bad sex!" The old man returns to his chair, and then after a few minutes, rises, walks over to his wife, and bam, knocks her out of her chair. She shakes it off, gets back in her chair and exclaims, "What was that for?" Her elderly husband replies, "That's for knowing the difference"

Same old couple Man gets up, goes to the closet and retrieves he jacket. Wife asks, "Where you going?" Husband replies, "I'm going to the doctor." Wife, asks, "Is there something wrong?" Husband insists, "No, but they got that new Viagra pill out and I want to check it out." Then the wife gets up and goes to the closet to retrieve her jacket. Husband asks, "Where are you going?" "To the doctor", she replies. "Is there something wrong?" her husband asks. "No, but if you're going to get that rustly old thing working again, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

10-13-2006, 02:09 PM
A guy goes to Vegas and loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough cash left for Taxi fare to the airport, all he has left is his expensive watch. So he goes to a taxi driver and asks him to take him to the airport and he'll mail a cheque for the fare, but in the meantime the driver can hold his watch as collateral. The taxi driver refuses. So the guy offers the driver his expensive watch in exchange for the ride. The driver still refuses and tells him to get the hell out of his taxi. The guy leaves the cab and eventually finds his way to the airport.

Six months later this same guy goes back to Vegas and wins a bundle. He goes outside his hotel to get a taxi to the airport. The sixth cab in line, he notices, is the driver who refused to help him six months ago. He goes to the first cab in line and says, "hey buddy, if you take me to the airport I'll give you a blow-job". The taxi-driver yells, get the hell out of my taxi! So he goes to the next cab and says to the driver, "hey buddy, if you take me to the airport I'll give you a blow-job". The second taxi driver yells, get the hell out of my taxi! He does this to the next three taxis. Finally, he gets to the driver who wouldn't help him six months ago. He gets in the cab and says, "take me to the airport". As the taxi pulls out and drives past the first five taxis, the guy rolls down the window and makes sure that the first five drivers see him with a big grin on his face and he gives them a big thumbs up!!

(this joke works better with visuals, but it's my favourite joke so I had to share it)

10-13-2006, 03:24 PM
This is my all time favorite.

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

Give him head.

I guess I love it cuz I'm a dog lover. Well not like that!!!!! You guys are sick:nono:

03-24-2008, 10:30 AM
This is my all time favorite.

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

Give him head.

I guess I love it cuz I'm a dog lover. Well not like that!!!!! You guys are sick:nono:

How did I miss this the first time around.