----- In Honor of Stupid People . . .

[GMichael]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

==============================


On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


============================


On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)




============================




On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)


============================


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

=============================


On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)


============================


On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)


==============================


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)


=============================


On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

==============================



On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

=============================


On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

==============================



On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

=============================


On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

=============================



On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

===========================


On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

===========================

[Bernd]

Hi,

Saw a cigarette lighter that said" Extinguish flame before putting in pocket."
That brings me to smoking. Don't you think it's strange that people smoke when they know that it will do them harm. Now that's proof.

Peace

Bernd

[GMichael]

Yeah, I've seen that on Bic lighters back when I still smoked.
Maybe the warning label on cigarettes should be changed to, "warning: we have determined that you are too stupid to live. So light up, we're eliminating you slowly."

[Bernd]

Yeah, I've seen that on Bic lighters back when I still smoked.
Maybe the warning label on cigarettes should be changed to, "warning: we have determined that you are too stupid to live. So light up, we're eliminating you slowly."

STOP IT NOW! I have tears in my eyes. You can just picture it an IQ ID card to allow you to smoke.

Peace

Bernd

[GMichael]

STOP IT NOW! I have tears in my eyes. You can just picture it an IQ ID card to allow you to smoke.

Peace

Bernd

Security: Excuse me sir, do you have ID to smoke that?
Fool: Herrrrrrre's my sign!

[Bernd]

Security: Excuse me sir, do you have ID to smoke that?
Fool: Herrrrrrre's my sign!

You got it.

Here Sir, please slip on this comfortable jacket and take a seat in the newly padded Smoking Room.

Peace

bernd

[GMichael]

You got it.

Here Sir, please slip on this comfortable jacket and take a seat in the newly padded Smoking Room.

Peace

bernd

Hey, it's nice in here. Who's the old guy slumped over in the corner?

[JohnMichael]

Yes the world is dumbing down. Each warning on a package is the result of a frivolous law suit. Who would have thought that you should not put hot coffee between your thighs when driving. Also that you need to warn people that a dry cleaner plastic bag is not a toy. I would also hate to tell you how many men lose their wives vibrator in their rectum because they get curious about how it would feel and don't know not to push it in too far. This happened too many times in my 15 years in healthcare. I thought GMichael could write a warning to appear on the side of the vibrator.

[GMichael]

Yes the world is dumbing down. Each warning on a package is the result of a frivolous law suit. Who would have thought that you should not put hot coffee between your thighs when driving. Also that you need to warn people that a dry cleaner plastic bag is not a toy. I would also hate to tell you how many men lose their wives vibrator in their rectum because they get curious about how it would feel and don't know not to push it in too far. This happened too many times in my 15 years in healthcare. I thought GMichael could write a warning to appear on the side of the vibrator.

OK, here goes,

Caution: Do not shove this up your a$$ so far that your throat begins to vibrate. A good rule of thumb (heh heh, no pun) is to stop pushing when your fingers start to get wet.

How's that?

[Bernd]

Hey, it's nice in here. Who's the old guy slumped over in the corner?

Where? Can't see him with all that smoke in here.Is there a fire? Who else is in here?

Bernd

[GMichael]

Where? Can't see him with all that smoke in here. Who else is in here?

Bernd

Oops, I dropped my lighter. Where is it now? I knew I should have left it lit. Hope no one sneeks up behind me.

[Bernd]

Oops, I dropped my lighter. Where is it now? I knew I should have left it lit. Hope no one sneeks up behind me.

This feels like a plastic cucumber and is that you bending over?

[GMichael]

Yes the world is dumbing down. Each warning on a package is the result of a frivolous law suit. Who would have thought that you should not put hot coffee between your thighs when driving. Also that you need to warn people that a dry cleaner plastic bag is not a toy. I would also hate to tell you how many men lose their wives vibrator in their rectum because they get curious about how it would feel and don't know not to push it in too far. This happened too many times in my 15 years in healthcare. I thought GMichael could write a warning to appear on the side of the vibrator.

Sears lawn mowers come with a warning not to put your hands where the blades are. And there's even a cute little picture of fingers getting chopped off for people who can't read, or don't read English.

Maybe vibraters should come with a rope attached to the back so you could pull them back out.

SlurrrrPOP! Ahhhh.. much better.

[Bernd]

Sears lawn mowers come with a warning not to put your hands where the blades are. And there's even a cute little picture of fingers getting chopped off for people who can't read, or don't read English.

Maybe vibraters should come with a rope attached to the back so you could pull them back out.

SlurrrrPOP! Ahhhh.. much better.


Guys I am going for a smoke. See you tomorrow.

Bernd

[GMichael]

This feels like a plastic cucumber and is that you bending over?


Nope, I'm over here. Maybe that's JM. Feel around. Is there a handle on his back for rough rides?

[GMichael]

Guys I am going for a smoke. See you tomorrow.

Bernd

WAIT! You forgot your sign. You wouldn't want to lose that.

[GMichael]

Are you referring to the old McDonald's lawsuit or latest one ? In the news recently there was another lawsuit pending over hot coffee purchased from a Wendy's drive-thru. A woman passenger was burnt when one of two cups of coffee in one of those cardboard takeout trays spilled in her lap. The victim claims a Wendy's employee did not put the lid on the cup properly and she was burnt because the coffee was too hot. Duh ! When you buy coffee, what college degree does it take to ensure the lid is on tight, especially when you're in a moving vehicle that can accelerate or stop suddenly ?

Some coffee (used to be all) is made by boiling water. Water boils at 212F (or 100C).
I remember when the first women was suing McD's. I was laughing about it at work one day when a coworker (with a PHD no less) blurted out, "the coffee was over 160F, that's way too hot for coffee." I almost spit up my lunch.

[L.J.]

Interesting thread. I must say people are pretty stupid. A little bit of common sense goes a looooong way.

[dean_martin]

Yes the world is dumbing down. Each warning on a package is the result of a frivolous law suit. Who would have thought that you should not put hot coffee between your thighs when driving.

I'm not trying to pick a fight or start a debate. In fact, I found this topic humorous. Here are a couple of links that explain the infamous McDonalds hot coffee case in a little more detail. The snopes.com page addresses a slightly different topic and I don't agree with everything said there, but it does provide a synopsis of the coffee case and includes the other link I'm including here. Again, I ain't tryin' to start somethin'. I made a promise to myself that I would stand up for my profession (trial lawyer) by providing more information when necessary. We take a lot of abuse as a profession. Much of it is attributable to propaganda not based on fact. Our civil justice system has its flaws, but those flaws should be addressed in the manner that least affects our right to a trial by jury in civil cases.

http://www.snopes.com/legal/lawsuits.asp

http://caoc.com/CA/index.cfm?event=showPage&pg=facts

[JohnMichael]

I'm not trying to pick a fight or start a debate. In fact, I found this topic humorous. Here are a couple of links that explain the infamous McDonalds hot coffee case in a little more detail. The snopes.com page addresses a slightly different topic and I don't agree with everything said there, but it does provide a synopsis of the coffee case and includes the other link I'm including here. Again, I ain't tryin' to start somethin'. I made a promise to myself that I would stand up for my profession (trial lawyer) by providing more information when necessary. We take a lot of abuse as a profession. Much of it is attributable to propaganda not based on fact. Our civil justice system has its flaws, but those flaws should be addressed in the manner that least affects our right to a trial by jury in civil cases.

http://www.snopes.com/legal/lawsuits.asp

http://caoc.com/CA/index.cfm?event=showPage&pg=facts

My comments were not aimed at attorneys but at people doing foolish things and then wanting someone else to be made responsible for their lack of judgement. You are hired to represent your client. Doctors are hired to remove vibrators.

[GMichael]

I'm not trying to pick a fight or start a debate. In fact, I found this topic humorous. Here are a couple of links that explain the infamous McDonalds hot coffee case in a little more detail. The snopes.com page addresses a slightly different topic and I don't agree with everything said there, but it does provide a synopsis of the coffee case and includes the other link I'm including here. Again, I ain't tryin' to start somethin'. I made a promise to myself that I would stand up for my profession (trial lawyer) by providing more information when necessary. We take a lot of abuse as a profession. Much of it is attributable to propaganda not based on fact. Our civil justice system has its flaws, but those flaws should be addressed in the manner that least affects our right to a trial by jury in civil cases.

http://www.snopes.com/legal/lawsuits.asp

http://caoc.com/CA/index.cfm?event=showPage&pg=facts

How are we supposed to have fun if you keep mucking things up with facts? Geez. I mean, really.

I think there is enough blame to go around. But there have been a few suites that should never have been. What about the one lawyer trying to bring a suit against McD's for selling fattening food? Thank heaven that was thrown out. Why does Bic have that warning on their lighters? Sears on their mowers?
I think we need a "give me a break" clause. When suits like these come to court, the judge should be able to say, "give me a break" and throw it out.
I know this is not a practical answer, but it sure is funny. Hope you don't mind.

[dean_martin]

My comments were not aimed at attorneys but at people doing foolish things and then wanting someone else to be made responsible for their lack of judgement. You are hired to represent your client. Doctors are hired to remove vibrators.

I see your point of view. It's interesting. Most of the flack I'm exposed to comes from the mouths of politicians. These politicians blame trial lawyers for bringing "frivolous" lawsuits. Real people, however, focus on the individual party.

Anyway, I thought your pronouncement that "Each warning on a package is the result of a frivolous law suit" was a wee bit too broad and deserving of a retort. But now I realize it could have just as well been hyperbole. My apologies and I hope I never have to present to my doctor with that particular problem.

[GMichael]

I see your point of view. It's interesting. Most of the flack I'm exposed to comes from the mouths of politicians. These politicians blame trial lawyers for bringing "frivolous" lawsuits. Real people, however, focus on the individual party.

Anyway, I thought your pronouncement that "Each warning on a package is the result of a frivolous law suit" was a wee bit too broad and deserving of a retort. But now I realize it could have just as well been hyperbole. My apologies and I hope I never have to present to my doctor with that particular problem.

Hyperbole? Now you stop that.

[dean_martin]

How are we supposed to have fun if you keep mucking things up with facts? Geez. I mean, really.

I think there is enough blame to go around. But there have been a few suites that should never have been. What about the one lawyer trying to bring a suit against McD's for selling fattening food? Thank heaven that was thrown out. Why does Bic have that warning on their lighters? Sears on their mowers?
I think we need a "give me a break" clause. When suits like these come to court, the judge should be able to say, "give me a break" and throw it out.
I know this is not a practical answer, but it sure is funny. Hope you don't mind.

Most warnings on products are governed by federal regulations, although there are plenty of lawsuits over the adequacy of some product warnings. GM, I think this topic is funny too. I just felt like speaking up when JM hyperbolized that all product warnings are due to frivolous lawsuits.

About the obesity lawsuit - that was a law professor and his students that filed that lawsuit against several fast food chains. It was thrown out. People have tried to use the courts to implement social change for many years. Most of the time they fail because it's not the right place. I have found it interesting though that after that lawsuit McDs announced it was going to use a different type of oil for its fries and that it was going to provide more nutritional information for the items on its menu.

Most of the time the courts get it right and weed out suspect claims. Judges are authorized to award the other side their costs for having to defend these claims. I get suspiscious of knee-jerk reactions that include legislation banning these types of claims when the courts can take care of them. What if you get food poisoning, HIV/AIDS or hepatitis from a fast food place, but find you can't sue them because a law was passed banning lawsuits against fast food places for the quality of their food?

As for the warnings on the BIC lighter and the Sears mower, I don't know why they're there. I do agree that there are a lot of dumb people walking around. Product warnings has become a highly specialized field. If the product's warning is not prescribed by the government, then the product's warning is probably based on studies of human behavior. That says quite a bit about the general population.

[GMichael]

Most warnings on products are governed by federal regulations, although there are plenty of lawsuits over the adequacy of some product warnings. GM, I think this topic is funny too. I just felt like speaking up when JM hyperbolized that all product warnings are due to frivolous lawsuits.

About the obesity lawsuit - that was a law professor and his students that filed that lawsuit against several fast food chains. It was thrown out. People have tried to use the courts to implement social change for many years. Most of the time they fail because it's not the right place. I have found it interesting though that after that lawsuit McDs announced it was going to use a different type of oil for its fries and that it was going to provide more nutritional information for the items on its menu.

Most of the time the courts get it right and weed out suspect claims. Judges are authorized to award the other side their costs for having to defend these claims. I get suspiscious of knee-jerk reactions that include legislation banning these types of claims when the courts can take care of them. What if you get food poisoning, HIV/AIDS or hepatitis from a fast food place, but find you can't sue them because a law was passed banning lawsuits against fast food places for the quality of their food?

As for the warnings on the BIC lighter and the Sears mower, I don't know why they're there. I do agree that there are a lot of dumb people walking around. Product warnings has become a highly specialized field. If the product's warning is not prescribed by the government, then the product's warning is probably based on studies of human behavior. That says quite a bit about the general population.

I'm sorry Dean, but I don't see anything funny in your post. That will cost you.

Just joking. You can be the voice of reason. It's nice to have a few thought out thoughts thinking around us thoughtless thinkers. Ya think?

[dean_martin]

I'm sorry Dean, but I don't see anything funny in your post. That will cost you.



Yeah, I know. I regret putting a damper on this lighthearted thread. I know JohnMichael didn't mean anything personal - how could he? I didn't want to come across as being offended because I wasn't.

Anyhow, I used to have a collection of photographs of unsafe work conditions that were hilarious. (I think I lost them in a computer crash.) If I can track them down I will post them. I remember one that showed a construction worker working on lighting over an indoor pool. The lights were on, he was on an aluminum ladder and the ladder was in the pool which of course was filled with water. I'm sure I know someone who has a collection of stupid warnings. Maybe I can add to rather than detract from this thread.

[GMichael]

Yeah, I know. I regret putting a damper on this lighthearted thread. I know JohnMichael didn't mean anything personal - how could he? I didn't want to come across as being offended because I wasn't.

Anyhow, I used to have a collection of photographs of unsafe work conditions that were hilarious. (I think I lost them in a computer crash.) If I can track them down I will post them. I remember one that showed a construction worker working on lighting over an indoor pool. The lights were on, he was on an aluminum ladder and the ladder was in the pool which of course was filled with water. I'm sure I know someone who has a collection of stupid warnings. Maybe I can add to rather than detract from this thread.

You never detract from a conversation Dean.

I remember seeing an email about 6 years ago that had a bunch of descriptions from real insurance reports. It was great. It's long gone from my joke list now but I still remember a few.

"The tree kept moving. I had to swerve several times before I finally hit it."
"I pulled into a driveway that wasn't mine and hit a tree that wasn't there."
"This blue car appeared out of nowhere, hit me, then disappeared."
"I saw a slow moving, sad faced gentleman, as he bounced off my windshield."

[GMichael]

We can't leave the Darwin Awards off this thread. Here's one to start.

Failed Frame-Up
2005 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(19 March 2005, Michigan) "Unusual" and "complicated" is how the Missaukee County sheriff described the mysterious death of 19-year-old Christopher, who called 911 at 1:22am and calmly informed the police dispatcher that his neighbor had stabbed him. Suddenly he began screaming and begging for help. A woman was heard shouting in the background, "Why did you do this?" Deputies arrived quickly, only to find that Christopher had bled to death from stab wounds to his chest.
After an evening spent imbibing large quantities of alcohol, Christopher noticed a shortage in his liquor supply that could not be attributed to his own depredations. He concluded that his neighbor had stolen a bottle of booze! He menaced said neighbor with a knife, to no avail, whereupon he retired to his own apartment to brood about revenge.

Finally he figured out the perfect way to get back at that conniving bottle-thief: he would stab himself and blame the neighbor!

A witness saw Christopher enter the bathroom while he called police. When he emerged from the bathroom, he looked perfectly fine, but a moment later he began screaming as gouts of blood spewed from his chest. He ran to the door of the apartment, and collapsed.

The evidence pointed to self-inflicted wounds. Deputies found the knife that killed him in the kitchen, and an autopsy concluded that he had stabbed himself in the chest twice. The first wound may not have looked dangerous enough to him, so he took the knife and tried again, this time plunging it into his left ventricle. This wound was plenty dangerous: he had only two minutes to live.

Christopher died in vain. His deathbed accusation fell on deaf ears, as a witness stated that the neighbor was not in the apartment, and the neighbor offered to take a lie-detector test to demonstrate his innocence. All Christopher got for revenge was an accidental death sentence.

Here is the link: http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/index_darwin2005.html

[Bernd]

[QUOTE=GMichael]WAIT! You forgot your sign. You wouldn't want to lose that.[/QUOTE

Guys I got into terrible trouble. Got caught smoking without my IQ ID. Had to take the test again. On probation until the results are in.

Peace

[Bernd]

Most warnings on products are governed by federal regulations, although there are plenty of lawsuits over the adequacy of some product warnings. GM, I think this topic is funny too. I just felt like speaking up when JM hyperbolized that all product warnings are due to frivolous lawsuits.

About the obesity lawsuit - that was a law professor and his students that filed that lawsuit against several fast food chains. It was thrown out. People have tried to use the courts to implement social change for many years. Most of the time they fail because it's not the right place. I have found it interesting though that after that lawsuit McDs announced it was going to use a different type of oil for its fries and that it was going to provide more nutritional information for the items on its menu.

Most of the time the courts get it right and weed out suspect claims. Judges are authorized to award the other side their costs for having to defend these claims. I get suspiscious of knee-jerk reactions that include legislation banning these types of claims when the courts can take care of them. What if you get food poisoning, HIV/AIDS or hepatitis from a fast food place, but find you can't sue them because a law was passed banning lawsuits against fast food places for the quality of their food?

As for the warnings on the BIC lighter and the Sears mower, I don't know why they're there. I do agree that there are a lot of dumb people walking around. Product warnings has become a highly specialized field. If the product's warning is not prescribed by the government, then the product's warning is probably based on studies of human behavior. That says quite a bit about the general population.

Hi Dean,

Good point. It's important that the courts and the Jury system stay accesible for all. Over here most of the Trials are now without a jury and it's very dodgy. A Jury has wisdom in my opinion.
These dfferent points of view make these lighthearted threads so interesting for me,as you can learn a great deal from them.
Anybody ever read "The Global Brain"? He talks about the Earth is like a Brian and the different PC terminals are like Briancells connecting with one another. Most interesting.

The B.O.T. is coming up here and it's time to start the day. Good Morning everybody.

Peace

Bernd

[GMichael]

Hey Bernd,

How's it going? Enjoy that B.O.T. It's out here too. But it's still only 20F. Brrrr... We got a half inch of snow a week ago and it's still here. More on the way tonight.

Hi Dean,

Did you find that "collection of photographs of unsafe work conditions that were hilarious" yet?

[GMichael]

[QUOTE=GMichael]WAIT! You forgot your sign. You wouldn't want to lose that.[/QUOTE

Guys I got into terrible trouble. Got caught smoking without my IQ ID. Had to take the test again. On probation until the results are in.

Peace

Maybe Dean can piont you in the right dirrection. There may be special classes you could take to cut that probation time down.

[FLZapped]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

This was put in there for those folks who use the dryer to heat their beds before hitting the sack. Problem is, they throw the covers over it and then forget about them until they suddenly realize their house is on fire.....



On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

Underwater?


-Bruce

[GMichael]

This is so the Navy doesn't use them to decorate their subs?

[Bernd]

Well the B.O.T. is still here. No snow though but cold. I will have a chat with Dean about the probation.
GMichael make sure that Bic is out before you put it in your pocket.

Damn no smoke.

Bernd

[GMichael]

GMichael make sure that Bic is out before you put it in your pocket.

Bernd

But I'm cold. I can't use the hair drier to warm my bed anymore. It may cause a fire. So I have to use flames instead.

[L.J.]

But I'm cold. I can't use the hair drier to warm my bed anymore. It may cause a fire. So I have to use flames instead.

How about using really hot hot coffee! :D

[GMichael]

How about using really hot hot coffee! :D

In my pocket?

[JohnMichael]

GMichael you need to find an old fashioned bed warmer. The kind where you take a hot coal from the stove or fireplace and put it in the bed warmer and move it around between your sheets. Of course we would now need a warning for the bed warmer, the fireplace and an environmental warning about burning coal without ventilation. Oh never mind get a down comforter unless of course you are allergic. Just do not remove the tag under penalty of law.

[JohnMichael]

Yeah, I know. I regret putting a damper on this lighthearted thread. I know JohnMichael didn't mean anything personal - how could he? I didn't want to come across as being offended because I wasn't.

Anyhow, I used to have a collection of photographs of unsafe work conditions that were hilarious. (I think I lost them in a computer crash.) If I can track them down I will post them. I remember one that showed a construction worker working on lighting over an indoor pool. The lights were on, he was on an aluminum ladder and the ladder was in the pool which of course was filled with water. I'm sure I know someone who has a collection of stupid warnings. Maybe I can add to rather than detract from this thread.

No, I did not mean anything personal towards you or attornteys in general. I was thinking of some people I knew who were always watching for someone to sue as a get rich quick scheme if they were not able to win the lottery. You may not know this but I worked in healthcare for 15 years both in patient care and management. Someone was always threatening to sue us. Then when I was in management and you fired someone they would always tell you their lawyer would be calling. They never did of course but I was always glad we had first class representation if there ever was a suit. So believe me the legal team we had made us feel more confident in what we were doing and kept us informed so we did not do anything wrong.

[L.J.]

But I'm cold. I can't use the hair drier to warm my bed anymore. It may cause a fire. So I have to use flames instead.

Hmmmm. I suggest flowers, chocolates, a romantic dinner for two, bottle of favorite wine and some soft music. That should warm your bed right up. ;)

[JohnMichael]

Hmmmm. I suggest flowers, chocolates, a romantic dinner for two, bottle of favorite wine and some soft music. That should warm your bed right up. ;)

You're smooth. You know how to treat a lady.

[GMichael]

My wife is a little different. Sure, she like flowers, but she doesn't like wine much. And a good dinner means that I make her 3 cups of white rice. That makes her putty in my hands.

[L.J.]

You're smooth. You know how to treat a lady.

That's just a little bit of common sense and years of experience. :rolleyes:

[Kam]

Now if only women came with label instructions....


that'd be one long label, and different addendums for each model.

[GMichael]

Now if only women came with label instructions....


that'd be one long label, and different addendums for each model.

Do not fold, spindle or mutilate?

Or more like this:

You’ve asked her out, and she said YES! What do you do now?

Pre-Date Plans

Making the Plans

Call your date prior to the rendezvous, preferably the day before; by this time, you should have already formulated tentative plans on where to go (see Where To Go, below). Discuss these suggested plans with your date. If she seems unenthusiastic about your choices and does not offer any alternatives, then ask her for some suggestions. If your date proposes someplace different from your original idea, go with it (unless she wants to go clogging or something, in which case cancel the date). Don’t make the destination a surprise. If for some reason you absolutely must, then give the woman an idea of what to wear. Stiletto heels and a miniskirt are not fun at a picnic.

What to Bring

Here’s a tip; I never met a woman that hated receiving flowers. Bringing flowers shows that you are thoughtful, generous, and have a sense of aesthetics, all good traits in a man. Daisies, tulips, and a half-dozen white or yellow roses are all good picks for a first date bouquet. Don’t bring carnations; as my friend Niru says, "They look cheap." Also, a dozen red roses are too presumptuous for a first date. A woman wants a potential boyfriend, not a potential stalker.

Other good gifts include: a tasteful box of candy (French mints are a good pick, but buy the more expensive brand); a small, interesting plant; a favorite food of hers. Don’t be afraid to get creative. You want to leave a lasting impression—giving lingerie is not a good idea, unless you want to leave the impression of your cheek on her hand.

How To Act

Manners

Chivalry is not dead. Forget all the PC garbage; women love all the old-time gestures of courtesy. The majority of women will want you to open their doors, pull out their chairs, offer your coat, and let them go first. By far, women want a gentleman—these types of behaviors will display that you have class, good breeding, respect, and that you were raised right by your mother.

Money Matters

I cannot stress this enough; you must pay for all the evening’s activities. I know that this may make women seem petty and selfish, but secretly every woman expects the man to pay on the first date. Unfair though it may seem this is tradition; don’t be a rebel. The woman will most likely attempt to pay for a check. Gently refute this by jokingly saying, "You can get it next time." If you really like this woman, chances are you will have a second, third, and fourth date. Very soon she will return the favor.

Where To Go

Dinner

The purpose of the first date is for the man and woman to get to know each other. To do this, you must talk. So, you can’t go wrong with dinner. Take her to a semi-fancy restaurant; McDonald’s won’t cut it. Conversely, don’t take her to a very expensive restaurant; she will feel uncomfortable if you pay for a $100+ check. Show your originality by taking her to a little-known local restaurant with a diverse menu. Discuss the type of restaurant fare before you plan; you don’t want to take her out for seafood only to discover that shrimp makes her swell up like a balloon. If an upscale local restaurant is out (or your budget can’t handle it), take her to a mid-range chain like T.G.I. Fridays or Chili’s. They have tasty food and fun atmosphere.

What next?

Dinner was great, but what should you two potential lovebirds do next? Dinner and a movie is now a dating cliché, so I wouldn’t recommend it. There is no chance for talking, too much chance for arguing ("You actually like Steven Segal?"). There is also too much opportunity for worrying and committing a faux pas (Where should I put my hand? Can she tell I’m staring at her out of the corner of my eye?). If you and she like dancing, go dancing. However, if you look like a drunk monkey when you dance, maybe you should wait until you are more comfortable with each other before displaying your boogie-down inadequacies. Instead, take her out to a cool coffee bar or an intimate nightclub; make sure (subtly) that she drinks alcohol before placing her in a potentially uncomfortable situation. Don’t drink too much, though, or the only thing you’ll be kissing that night is the porcelain goddess.

After the Date

Saying Goodnight

To kiss or not to kiss? Isn’t that really the question? Unfortunately, I don’t have a definitive answer for that one. Rely on your gut feeling—if the woman seems open to being kissed (stands close to you, seems a bit nervous, touches your arm or shoulder), then go for it. However, if you are not sure, don’t try to press the issue. If the woman is into you, there is always the next date. After the kiss (or lack thereof), make sure you tell your date how much fun you had and hint at a future date. You don’t want to leave her wondering whether you will ask her out again.

The Phone Call

Yes, I’ve seen the movie Swingers. And no you should not wait a whole week to call your date. If you really like this woman, call her the next day. As much as women like to play games, we don’t like to be on the receiving end of them. You will make the woman a nervous wreck waiting for your call. You will also seem too casual if you wait a long period of time to ring her up. Call for a quick chat, deep conversation, or heck, ask her out again. Thus, a woman will not have to analyze your feelings; they will be apparent. Please, though, don’t expect your date to call you; we are not programmed that way.

There you have it, the perfect first date. Now the rest is up to you. All these hints won’t amount to much if you are not your charming self. So be loose, have a good time, and let your personality show through. A second date can’t be far behind.

Dressing for Dummies
Face it. Looks are the first thing that attracts a woman. So, what do you wear on your first date so she’ll be clamoring for a second?
Casual
The date: picnic, outdoor concert.

Though I recommend these as second date activities, the more adventurous may want to take their date to a casual event. Jeans (not dirty or ripped) and polo shirt.

Semi-Casual/Formal
The date: dinner, movie.

These plans are the best for a first date . Khakis and a white-button down are my top pick. Alternate choices: wool sweater, corduroys/ black pants, fitted shirt (cool weather); khaki shorts and short-sleeved polo (warm weather).

Formal
The date: formal dinner, posh nightclub.

This type of date is probably too expensive for a new couple. Trendy suit; tie and blazer.

Don’t Forget:
polished shoes, cologne, mouthwash, styled hair, clean shave.

Never, Ever Wear:
cowboy boots (or hat), vest with no shirt underneath, overabundance of jewelry, T-shirt, tank top, old sneakers, too much cologne, sweatshirt, baseball cap, dirty clothes.

Remember; Dress according to your destination, and you’ll never be inappropriately attired. Call ahead for dress-code if you are uncertain.

[GMichael]

Then there's this set of instructions:

I've figured it out. So I've developed these guidelines to help men understand the ways to a sick chick's heart:

Be a jerk. Be standoffish, be aloof, make it clear your true interests lie elsewhere, and that she must work for your affection. Only compliment her in a backhanded way, as in, ‘You did a pretty good job on the kitchen, for a slob’. Keep a stack of porno mags by the bed and start flipping through them whenever she makes any efforts to seduce you, implying she's inadequate to the task of exciting you.

Do not, for cryin' out loud, act like you're happy to see her when she gets home. The one thing that will put her off the whole concept of sex is you greeting her like a big, goofy, crotch-sniffing Irish Setter. Don't give her that unconditional love and lust, telling her how hot she is in spite of the fact that she's gained five pounds, or even ten. Don't tell her how much you appreciate her body for the temple of pleasure it is. Don't nuzzle her neck and offer her endless cunnilingus. Instead, try this approach: ‘Gimme head, beeyotch’.

Other key phrases to keep her coming back for more: ‘Where's my dinner?’ (especially useful if she's just come home from a hard day's work). ‘Got any money? I lost mine at the track.’ ‘Are you going to wear *that*? It makes your butt look huge!’ Don't forget to leave the toilet seat up, especially at night when you've got her trained to go in the dark, lest the bathroom fan disturb your sleep. Leave your dirty clothes wherever you drop them, and avoid working for a living if at all possible - it uses up the energy you'll need to keep your woman in line.

Sure, you could go for a healthy relationship with one of those empowered, independent women, but why? Just follow these simple guidelines and you will achieve levels of dysfunction beyond your wildest dreams.

[kexodusc]

I clicked on this thread expecting 47 passage of beautiful prose paying tribute to me....

[GMichael]

Uhm.. Not to be serious or anything, but... Kex, you are not a "stupid people." Sorry.

Now, back to our program.

[JohnMichael]

I clicked on this thread expecting 47 passage of beautiful prose paying tribute to me....

Have you posted your picture yet?

[JohnMichael]

Do not fold, spindle or mutilate?

Or more like this:

You’ve asked her out, and she said YES! What do you do now?

Pre-Date Plans

Making the Plans

Call your date prior to the rendezvous, preferably the day before; by this time, you should have already formulated tentative plans on where to go (see Where To Go, below). Discuss these suggested plans with your date. If she seems unenthusiastic about your choices and does not offer any alternatives, then ask her for some suggestions. If your date proposes someplace different from your original idea, go with it (unless she wants to go clogging or something, in which case cancel the date). Don’t make the destination a surprise. If for some reason you absolutely must, then give the woman an idea of what to wear. Stiletto heels and a miniskirt are not fun at a picnic.

What to Bring

Here’s a tip; I never met a woman that hated receiving flowers. Bringing flowers shows that you are thoughtful, generous, and have a sense of aesthetics, all good traits in a man. Daisies, tulips, and a half-dozen white or yellow roses are all good picks for a first date bouquet. Don’t bring carnations; as my friend Niru says, "They look cheap." Also, a dozen red roses are too presumptuous for a first date. A woman wants a potential boyfriend, not a potential stalker.

Other good gifts include: a tasteful box of candy (French mints are a good pick, but buy the more expensive brand); a small, interesting plant; a favorite food of hers. Don’t be afraid to get creative. You want to leave a lasting impression—giving lingerie is not a good idea, unless you want to leave the impression of your cheek on her hand.

How To Act

Manners

Chivalry is not dead. Forget all the PC garbage; women love all the old-time gestures of courtesy. The majority of women will want you to open their doors, pull out their chairs, offer your coat, and let them go first. By far, women want a gentleman—these types of behaviors will display that you have class, good breeding, respect, and that you were raised right by your mother.

Money Matters

I cannot stress this enough; you must pay for all the evening’s activities. I know that this may make women seem petty and selfish, but secretly every woman expects the man to pay on the first date. Unfair though it may seem this is tradition; don’t be a rebel. The woman will most likely attempt to pay for a check. Gently refute this by jokingly saying, "You can get it next time." If you really like this woman, chances are you will have a second, third, and fourth date. Very soon she will return the favor.

Where To Go

Dinner

The purpose of the first date is for the man and woman to get to know each other. To do this, you must talk. So, you can’t go wrong with dinner. Take her to a semi-fancy restaurant; McDonald’s won’t cut it. Conversely, don’t take her to a very expensive restaurant; she will feel uncomfortable if you pay for a $100+ check. Show your originality by taking her to a little-known local restaurant with a diverse menu. Discuss the type of restaurant fare before you plan; you don’t want to take her out for seafood only to discover that shrimp makes her swell up like a balloon. If an upscale local restaurant is out (or your budget can’t handle it), take her to a mid-range chain like T.G.I. Fridays or Chili’s. They have tasty food and fun atmosphere.

What next?

Dinner was great, but what should you two potential lovebirds do next? Dinner and a movie is now a dating cliché, so I wouldn’t recommend it. There is no chance for talking, too much chance for arguing ("You actually like Steven Segal?"). There is also too much opportunity for worrying and committing a faux pas (Where should I put my hand? Can she tell I’m staring at her out of the corner of my eye?). If you and she like dancing, go dancing. However, if you look like a drunk monkey when you dance, maybe you should wait until you are more comfortable with each other before displaying your boogie-down inadequacies. Instead, take her out to a cool coffee bar or an intimate nightclub; make sure (subtly) that she drinks alcohol before placing her in a potentially uncomfortable situation. Don’t drink too much, though, or the only thing you’ll be kissing that night is the porcelain goddess.

After the Date

Saying Goodnight

To kiss or not to kiss? Isn’t that really the question? Unfortunately, I don’t have a definitive answer for that one. Rely on your gut feeling—if the woman seems open to being kissed (stands close to you, seems a bit nervous, touches your arm or shoulder), then go for it. However, if you are not sure, don’t try to press the issue. If the woman is into you, there is always the next date. After the kiss (or lack thereof), make sure you tell your date how much fun you had and hint at a future date. You don’t want to leave her wondering whether you will ask her out again.

The Phone Call

Yes, I’ve seen the movie Swingers. And no you should not wait a whole week to call your date. If you really like this woman, call her the next day. As much as women like to play games, we don’t like to be on the receiving end of them. You will make the woman a nervous wreck waiting for your call. You will also seem too casual if you wait a long period of time to ring her up. Call for a quick chat, deep conversation, or heck, ask her out again. Thus, a woman will not have to analyze your feelings; they will be apparent. Please, though, don’t expect your date to call you; we are not programmed that way.

There you have it, the perfect first date. Now the rest is up to you. All these hints won’t amount to much if you are not your charming self. So be loose, have a good time, and let your personality show through. A second date can’t be far behind.

Dressing for Dummies
Face it. Looks are the first thing that attracts a woman. So, what do you wear on your first date so she’ll be clamoring for a second?
Casual
The date: picnic, outdoor concert.

Though I recommend these as second date activities, the more adventurous may want to take their date to a casual event. Jeans (not dirty or ripped) and polo shirt.

Semi-Casual/Formal
The date: dinner, movie.

These plans are the best for a first date . Khakis and a white-button down are my top pick. Alternate choices: wool sweater, corduroys/ black pants, fitted shirt (cool weather); khaki shorts and short-sleeved polo (warm weather).

Formal
The date: formal dinner, posh nightclub.

This type of date is probably too expensive for a new couple. Trendy suit; tie and blazer.

Don’t Forget:
polished shoes, cologne, mouthwash, styled hair, clean shave.

Never, Ever Wear:
cowboy boots (or hat), vest with no shirt underneath, overabundance of jewelry, T-shirt, tank top, old sneakers, too much cologne, sweatshirt, baseball cap, dirty clothes.

Remember; Dress according to your destination, and you’ll never be inappropriately attired. Call ahead for dress-code if you are uncertain.

Oh my you straight men have it tough.

[GMichael]

Oh my you straight men have it tough.

Oh yes, women are strange creatures. But Spanky is no bargin either. Toss up I guess.

[dean_martin]

No, I did not mean anything personal towards you or attornteys in general. I was thinking of some people I knew who were always watching for someone to sue as a get rich quick scheme if they were not able to win the lottery. You may not know this but I worked in healthcare for 15 years both in patient care and management. Someone was always threatening to sue us. Then when I was in management and you fired someone they would always tell you their lawyer would be calling. They never did of course but I was always glad we had first class representation if there ever was a suit. So believe me the legal team we had made us feel more confident in what we were doing and kept us informed so we did not do anything wrong.

Yep - good screening turns away a lot of got-no-case-big-talkers. Speaking of healthcare, we've also met with many people who believed their or their loved ones' doctors committed malpractice, but after speaking with them for a while we realized that the doctor simply had a poor bedside manner.

[Oneeyesnake]

Only a smart person can create this topic. A genius perhaps, or one of moderate intelligence, is qualified to create a thread that is a tongue in cheek insult to the so called "stupid people".

If they're so stupid, how will they know it's about them? And how will those who are NOT stupid realize it is someone else who is the focal point of this crap?

YOU need to think things through, completely!! Otherwise, you'll appear stupid.

[L.J.]

Only a smart person can create this topic. A genius perhaps, or one of moderate intelligence, is qualified to create a thread that is a tongue in cheek insult to the so called "stupid people".

If they're so stupid, how will they know it's about them? And how will those who are NOT stupid realize it is someone else who is the focal point of this crap?

YOU need to think things through, completely!! Otherwise, you'll appear stupid.


:confused:

[GMichael]

Only a smart person can create this topic. A genius perhaps, or one of moderate intelligence, is qualified to create a thread that is a tongue in cheek insult to the so called "stupid people".

If they're so stupid, how will they know it's about them? And how will those who are NOT stupid realize it is someone else who is the focal point of this crap?

YOU need to think things through, completely!! Otherwise, you'll appear stupid.

Dude, don't you know a joke when you read one? Sorry if I hurt your feelings.

YOU need to think things through, completely!! Otherwise, you'll appear stupid

[shokhead]

We had Santa Ana's a few weeks ago,dust everywhere. Middle of the day i get a call to go look at a teachers car so i figure somebody hit it. Go and check and i cant see anything wrong and the teacher is standing next to me saying,see!. Ah,no what? Look,somebody threw dirt on it. I look at her and say,its Santa Ana's,look at everybody eles's cars. Nope,there's isnt as dirty,somebody threw dirt on it. Its so fine of silt that i blow on it and it comes right off. I said so what do we do. She tells me to take pictures of it and then to wash it. What? I dont wash somebody's car. Well you need to at least wash off the dirt with the hose. No i dont. By then the VP comes out and takes a picture and tells me to wash it off. Nope,i dopnt do cars. Now i'm called into the Prin office,why didnt you wash off the car? After a lot of back and forth,the next time they tell me to do anything,i should just do it. I work with pretty much all stupid people. There are everywhere.

[GMichael]

Maybe you should have washed every car in the parking lot. How about every car that passed by while you're at it? Then when they ask why you didn't get anything else done, you could throw water on them and start scrubbing.

[JohnMichael]

Is one eye snake any relation to daddy3legs? I just do not understand the need for penile references. You would almost think I would.

[GMichael]

Is one eye snake any relation to daddy3legs? I just do not understand the need for penile references. You would almost think I would.

You noticed the similarities too huh? He even started a thread about the Giants the way D3L used to. Makes me ashamed to be a Giant's fan.

[L.J.]

You noticed the similarities too huh?

I was thinking that also.

[Oneeyesnake]

You noticed the similarities too huh? He even started a thread about the Giants the way D3L used to. Makes me ashamed to be a Giant's fan.


Dude, unfortunately, we're not related, though the name is just as catchy.

And Yes, I like the NY Giants. The playoff bound NY Giants, that is!!!!!!

[GMichael]

Dude, unfortunately, we're not related, though the name is just as catchy.

And Yes, I like the NY Giants. The playoff bound NY Giants, that is!!!!!!

I hope they start playing up to their potential soon. Then they might even win a few playoff games if they do. Their games are very hard to watch with all the mistakes they make. And what kind of idiot refuses a penalty that would push their opponent out of field gold range when you're only 3 points up? The same idiot that accepts a holding penalty after a 10 yard sack. That's it, give them a free down. I'm gonna pull all my hair out!

[GMichael]

Dude, unfortunately, we're not related, though the name is just as catchy.

And Yes, I like the NY Giants. The playoff bound NY Giants, that is!!!!!!

By the way, how was your trip to Giants Stadium last week?

[Oneeyesnake]

By the way, how was your trip to Giants Stadium last week?

Haven't been to a game in years. The Giants are tough on D and have a better offense than one might think.

[GMichael]

Haven't been to a game in years. The Giants are tough on D and have a better offense than one might think.

I think they could have a great offense once they get thear act together. Plenty of tallent in every possition. Eli needs to settle down. I think he's trying too hard. What's he, 22? He'll learn. And the line needs to not move before the ball is snapped. Then make smarter calls. Really, why did they accept a holding penalty after a 10 yard sack? They don't gain anything, and it gave the Eagles an extra down. Why did they not accept the other holding penalty that would have pushed the birds back out of field gold range to tie the game? Where is this guy's head? Every week he does something that makes me question reality. Is it the head coach? Is it the offensive coordinator? One of them needs to wake the f.k up.

[Oneeyesnake]

Penalties are the problem.....easilyt would be in command of every game if they would be less "penal" in the refs judgement.

Eli is learning, growing, and will be better in two years. Now, he's going to lead the team to the Super Bowl. Hey, he's the QB we have.

Actually Barber is the leader, but on the field Manning will prove himself a great leader.

[GMichael]

Penalties are the problem.....easilyt would be in command of every game if they would be less "penal" in the refs judgement.

Eli is learning, growing, and will be better in two years. Now, he's going to lead the team to the Super Bowl. Hey, he's the QB we have.

Actually Barber is the leader, but on the field Manning will prove himself a great leader.

I believe in Eli. He'll keep growing and he has lot's of potential. He could snap out of his funk at any moment and catch on fire.

Still some stupid calls by whoever is making them. I can feel my hair turning grey as I watch.

[GMichael]

Another blast from the past.